Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I knew basic arithmetic,
The hour Punky Brewster aired,
And how to write a complete sentence
when he was born.
But he reminds me of Atticus.
And Anna could be Scout
And Matty could be Jem.
And he could be my Atticus.
There is danger in the pursuit of fiction.
But Atticus . . .
Atticus embodies truth.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Today I stayed home from school because Matthias threw up at about midnight and then again at about 6 this morning. But after that, nothing. I could have gone. Oh well.
Seems like there was some other excellent news, but I can't remember. Hmm. Well today Matthias said, "Chicken turns you yellow."
Sunday, January 25, 2009
NO!!!! Anna, please don't think about boys thinking you're pretty. You're five.
"Mom, you have hairy arms. You must stop drinking Pepsi."
Anna: I will be hot in this shirt.
Me: If you get hot you can roll your sleeves up.
Anna: No, that's not what I mean. Hot means fabulous. I will be, very, very hot in this shirt!"
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Today, Matthias pooped and needed help wiping. Such are the joys of motherhood. Anyway, as he was flushing, he said, "that is some seriously green poop!"
WHAT? Firstly, it wasn't remotely green, let alone "seriously green." Second, WHAT? Oh it was so funny! Hearing those words come out of his three year old mouth in that order... Oh I love him.
Today, Anna said -- oh no, I forgot. NO! It was so dang funny! It just now slipped my mind, I'm willing its return.... not working.... Oh man. Dangit. Seriously should write these things down as they happen.
Friday, January 23, 2009
His family is amazing. His parents were so wonderful and helpful when Randy left. I LOVE his parents!
He's funny, very smart, very faithful in the LDS church, very gentle and kind. He asks me questions like he cares about the answers. AND I can't stop thinking about him. And it's so annoying. And he said for me to call him if I ever need a babysitter. Just out of the blue offered, like he knows what it's like to be a single mom! He's not so egocentric like a lot of guys are.
The first day I met him, I looked in his eyes and had to immediately look away because of some weird power that I felt. This was a good five years ago. I was married, happily, and he was very young. So I put that strange experience in the back of my mind. And now we're in a class together. What does it mean? Probably nothing. But possibly, hopefully, something.
If he was 30, I would totally tell him how I feel! But, as it is, he's not 30, and there's thousands of younger women who deserve him. It feels like it wouldn't be fair for him to date me. I don't think I'm that bad, but he's that good. On the other hand, I really want to be with someone better than I am because I know I would be inspired to match his goodness in such an arrangement.
Even though he's quite young, he exhibits remarkable maturity, so maybe he's looking for someone a little older? But who looks for a mom, you know? UGH!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
He's saying, "look Mommy, that's what we have at church!" or something like that.
Fast forward to yesterday, 1.16. Jennifer (mi prima, who lives in Rexburg, thank goodness I have family here) had her third baby. I watched her kids while she went to deliver a child. Here she is, just about to head out the door. Why can't we all look this good 8 hours before bearing a child?
The kids were being really good playing in the bedroom. I could hear them play, which is a good sign (parents know that too-quiet is dangerous). I decided to see what they were doing. I found the four of them in Jaden and Jenna's closet:
This is just cute. Jenna:
Jaden and Jenna were twirling with the belts:
Today, I took the kids to the hospital to see their new second cousin.
Oh, man, he's beautiful, no? The sweetest little thing. I didn't wanna return him to his mother.
Momma and babe.
There's a fish tank in one corrider of the hospital. Matthias cannot resist stopping at any fish tank. Don't you love his face? I love his face.
Here he is through the tank.
And Anna, who, with her coat and hat, looks like a scuba diver. :)
The few places I've visited are not hiring. The school is even on a hiring freeze. Melaleuca isn't even hiring. But, all is well.
So, I have to tell you a few things Anna has said the past few days that have cracked me up. Yesterday I was babysitting for Jennifer while she gave birth to Jonah Josiah Davis (oh, he is beautiful). Anna and Jennifer's son Jaden were pretending to be bees. Anna said I was a bee too. I said okay. She then tried to attach a popsicle stick to my back. I said ow. She said "I'm giving you your stinger." I said "I don't want a stinger." She said, "Okay, you can be a different species."
What? I swear, my five year old is smarter than I am.
Today, Anna and I were singing and dancing to a song. When the kids were at Randy's for Christmas Break, and I was going NUTS missing them, I learned the song "So Lonely" from the kid movie Seventh Brother. I have the sheet music for it and I realized it totally fit what I was feeling when my kids were gone. So I learned it on the piano and I sang it like a hundred times a day, which only magnified my self pity. :) Anyway, Anna loves it, and sometimes if I start to sing it, Anna will ask me to stop because "it makes the tears come out." My little sensitive darling. So, ANYWAY. Today I was singing it, Anna and I were dancing together, and when I got to the line that says "Someone somwhere hear my pleas . . ." Anna said "Jesus will always hear you. He hears everything." I affirmed her statement. She said, "Yeah, 'cause Jesus gots God ears." God ears? Wha-- Like, how does she come up with this stuff? She's amazing.
Whenever I brag about Anna I feel like I have to brag about Matthias too. Well let's see. Today he's been singing along with Veggietales' Silly Songs with Larry. I love how he loves to sing. He says I Love to See the Temple is his favorite song, and whenever we drive by the Rexburg temple, he gets so so so excited and says, "That's the Rexburg temple!" and sometimes, "I'm going to get married there someday." And my heart swells up with pride. That's right, son. Temple marriage.
Which reminds me about Anna. She's having a hard time at daycare. She doesn't know whom to marry. One day she's going to marry Bowen. The next, it's Tyson. Tyson, Bowen, Tyson, Bowen. Today she said she'll marry Bowen, and then she can marry someone else after. And I told her no, she only gets to marry one person, she can't just change her mind after she's married. I also told her she has plenty of time to choose a husband. It sucks that her mom and dad are horrible examples of marrying only one person. Well, her dad anyway (and he's actually had 3 weddings). I have still only been married to one person. But I do intend to remarry, which sends the loud and clear message that it's okay to get married, then divorced, then married again, even though I tell her once is all she gets. Such are the consequences of a failed marriage wherein children were born.
All because I made a poor choice. Anyone who is dating right now -- CHOOSE WELL! Don't ignore red flags! If he spends four hours with another woman, pays for her dinner and hangs out in her apartment while she cries on his shoulder -- that's a sign. Don't sweep it under the rug. If he's unemployed -- for crying out loud, at least wait till he gets a job. Unless it's 2009 and he got laid off and is trying very hard to find a job. :) If his mother warns you -- RED FLAG! Holy beans. Listen, if something just doesn't seem right, think about your future children. That was another error on my part. I never once thought about my future. I only thought about now. Anyway, I'm full of preachy advice about relationships and I have a lot of hindsight. I'm like a love doctor. Come to me, dear ones, with your relationship troubles, and I will guide you through. :D
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
"A lot of people don't," she murmured.
Suzanne approaches me and her eyes are squinty. Suzanne's my supervisor. I haven't even sat yet. I know what she's going to tell me. "Derek wants to see you in HR," she says, patting my shoulder.
Thanks to Suzelle, I knew what for. I had some time as I was descending the staircase to try to steel my heart. I walked in to see Derek. "Are you Stephanie?" he asks. I nod. "Stephanie Montano?" I nod. "Have a seat." he shuts the door of his office.
Garth is there, the company president. I doubt that he's ever noticed me before.
Derek proceeds: "As you may be aware, the company has been facing economic challenges. This morning we got the [murmur] to reduce our workforce. Blah blah, mumble mumble, sorry, blah, murmer, lalalalalalalalalalalala meeting tomorrow, burble burble, severence package, lalalalalalalalalalalala, one of 45 employees, sunsa sunsa, blahblahblah, paid for the rest of today. Any questions?"
My interpretation: You Suck. You and 45 other employees have been weighed, measured, and found wanting. We don't need you like we need the other 150 employees. To soften the blow, we'll go ahead and pay you for the rest of your scheduled shift.
Then I went to cry in the bathroom. For a long time. When I thought I was done, I went upstairs to get my coat and keys (I'm allowed to come back tomorrow for the rest of my belongings) and then my darn friends (who still have jobs!) thought it would be nice to say they're sorry and give me hugs. UGH! I wanted to scream at them to leave me alone because I JUST got done crying about it. Don't even talk to me. Talk to me tomorrow when I've had chance to reassure myself. Tomorrow I'll remember that it's all in God's hands; I'll be fine, I always am. Right now, I'm a little scared, so don't touch me. But, women will be women. And really I appreciate it, and really I'd be bummed if no one talked to me about it, but at the time, I just didn't want anyone to talk to me. So I cried some more (I can count on one hand - maybe two - the times I've cried in front of non-family). Suzanne approached me at patted my shoulder and said it wasn't about me. I wanted to replay for her what Derek told me ("You Suck," etc.). She said it was the economy. There's a new one. "It's not you, it's the economy."
I don't mean to be disrespectful to Suzanne; she's a wonderful woman and a really great supervisor. I really like her a lot and certainly don't blame her. I don't blame anyone. It's the economy, right?
Then I walked to my car with my head down and drove away. I didn't know where I was going to go. Do I pick up my kids? I didn't. Do I gather applications? I didn't. I came home to blog. I will also presently print a thousand resumes. The small town of Rexburg is right now a very competitive area for job hunting. 45 people are now looking for jobs, and they've all had since this morning. I came in later due to school. I wonder if there was a mass layoff. Probably. They probably gathered the chosen ones in the meeting room and layed them all off at once.
Guess I'll change my clothes and plaster on a smile and begin my second round in five months of job hunting in Rexburg.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I emphatically hate that my kids have to live this part of their life in a single parent home. It is not ideal. It is not fair to them. They did nothing to deserve it. They get to be raised by daycares who can't offer them the full attention they need and deserve, by kind and qualified providers who can never love my children like I do. Now that I have school, the kids are in daycare for 10 hours two days a week. The other days are about 8 hours. I just keep telling myself that in a few years, it will all be worth it, when I have enough knowledge to make enough money to support my family in minimal hours. But for now, it's really hard. My kids are such such troopers. They never complain about their lot. Sadly, the don't know any different.
And then, in her prayer last night, she said "Please bless I'll get a new daddy in Rexburg."
I say the same prayer every night, with somewhat different wording. :)
Poor girl. She misses having both a mommy and a daddy, at the same time. Breaks my heart that it bugs her so bad. Breaks my heart that I can do nothing about it. Can't go back in time and change things, you know.
What do I say to her to comfort her? I did tell her that I think I'll find a husband who will take care of all of us. She said it's taking too long. Tell me about it. I told her that sometimes Heavenly Father wants us to wait a long time so we can be sure to get the best thing. Maybe it's taking so long because God is making sure He's picking the best possible man for us, I told her.
Well, it's a nice thought. :)
At the end of the semester, I will have:
- Received a 4.0 in all 6 classes
- Completed each assignment
- Experienced true learning, not just test learning
- Never done homework on the Sabbath
- Effectively balanced family, studies, and employment
- More specifically decided what I want to do with the rest of my life, as far as employment
A goal unwritten is merely a wish. Wow, I love school. I love all my classes. I love all my instructors. I haven't been a student since 2002 -- that's seven years! So I'm a little rusty, but I'm quickly getting back into the swing of things.
Thanks for reading!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Oh my funniness.
So I had class at 7, during which time I dropped the kids off at Jennifer's. This class was only an hour. I picked the kids up, took 'em home for a quick snack, and drove them to daycare. Then I went back to campus and had 2 more classes. Then I went to work till five. Now I'm home and exhausted and want nothing more than sleep but I have tons of homework including a quiz I have to take online and I still have to feed my kids, wash my dishes, and do some laundry. Is it even possible? Is this life I've chosen even possible?
Yeah. 'Cause I'm going to get a 4.0, while maintaining a healthy home and retaining employment.
Why am I wasting precious time on this blog??? Hasta.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
We were late. But they took us in anyway.
Matthias was so sweet and cooperative at first, but he quickly got bored with all the testing. And then he threw a fit or two. And then he refused to cooperate. We were thus there forever. The testing lady told me she often sees behavior like his from daycare kids, and that's why it's important to have a parent at home. Good thing I agree; otherwise that would have been insulting. I explained that I want more than anything to be a stay at home mom but his father left us a year and a half ago and so I have no choice, and I try my best at home to compensate for my kids' loss, to be both mommy and daddy, and that Matthias particularly had a very hard time with his dad's leaving. She became sympathetic and told me I was probably doing a better job than I realize. That was nice to hear.
The testing consisted of questions and directions, some of which Matthias answered and few of which Matthias followed. I think they determined that he simply lacks the ability to stand still for any period of time. I could have told them that. He was very sweet, and the testing lady said he's really cute. I could have told her that too. But sometimes he was defiant and a little rude, which is embarrassing. He'd say "NO!" when the tester asked a question sometimes. Then he'd pause a little and say, more quietly, "no thank you." So cute!
The questions were things like "point to this picture," "point to that body part," "tell me what that story was about," "where is the big blue bunny," "where is the little sad bunny," and such. For four hours.
He really liked the doctor. So did I. We met with her for a little while and she had Matthias run down the hall, which was his favorite part of the day.
The drive home was safer, and all slideoffs had been taken care of.
Then I picked Anna up, who was very very scared because she had her first ever bloody nose without me. Jennifer said it didn't bleed long at all, but she was still shaken about it when I got there. Silly girl. I held her and told her I used to get nosebleeds all the time when I was a little girl.
Then I took the kids to school. Oh my goodness. I needed to buy books. Yesterday, I tried to buy books, and I wanted to know how to buy them with my financial aid money, so I asked the gal at the info desk. She told me I had to go to the cashier's office and ask for my money. Cashiers were closed. She said come back tomorrow. I came back, stood in a forever line for the cahsiers with my kids, the lady looked at me unsmiling and told me I had to have an ICard. A what? She told me where to go.
So we went to the next building, it was windy and cold but the kids were such troopers. I went upstairs to the I-Card (which is a student ID/student cash card) and the big sign said "Must have I Number." Dangit! So now I had to find a computer so I could get my I Number. No computers in the Manwaring Center. So I called Jennifer to see if she'd look it up for me on her computer. Didn't answer. So I called Melanie. Didn't answer. So I called Chris. Answered, but was in a car. So I called home and finally Casey helped me! Yay! I also had him read me the books I needed. He's so great.
So, I-Number in hand, I went to get me an ICard. The girls there were the first poeple behind a counter at the college who didn't look at me funny for bringin two kids with me. That's what I felt like anyway. In fact, they played with the kids while I filled everything out and got my picture taken. BTW, it's a pretty great photo for an ID. :D The girls told me I could buy my books just by using my card and I wouldn't have to go back to the supercilious cashier. Yay!
Bookstore. NIGHTMARE. I'm not the only one who waited till the last minute to get my books. All the used books were out, so I had to get everything new. Still, my total was less than $200 for all my books. Astounding, if you ask me. I was happy, I gave the cashier my brand new ICard, told her to "put it on my account" (how special am I), got my books and finally left. I still had to go to the print shop to buy a syllabus. I'm serious. I had to purchase a syllabus for my religion class. What?
Finally we were done with errands and I took the kids to McDonalds because Anna had a free kids meal from her daycare and she really wanted to use it. And they were so great to just follow me around school from building to building without throwing huge fits about being tired or bored. Then we came home. And I'm ready for bed. :)
And there's my End of Day report.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I went to get them Saturday after our longest separation ever. I knew I missed them. I worried about them and prayed for them daily. I missed them powerfully. But, when I saw them . . . . My joy at our reunion was greater than my sorrow at our separation! Randy and I met at the old Movie Gallery and I could scarcely contain myself when I saw the face of first my son and then my daughter. And then when I held them each again, I couldn't hold in my tears.
This was during the first snow fall. Took a shot out my windshield at a stoplight. I thought the roads were bad. I had no idea that this was only a mild warning of what's to come:
On Anna's birthday, we went to see Santa. Matthias asked for Handy Manny, and Santa said "what?" Matthias repeated himself, and Santa seemed confused. Clearly, he's going senile. Surely his elves have made thousands of Handy Mannys. I said, "come on, Santa.... You know, that fix it guy on Nickelodeon?" And then he remembered. I was embarrassed for him.
Oh, Matty's holding a pez dispenser because he and Anna both insisted on bringing a toy to show Santa.
Here's Anna, and she wanted to show him her new Barbie. She asked him for a Diamond Castle, which he failed to deliver, much to Anna's disappointment. Darn that Santa.
Melanie and Aaron:
Jaybo and his girlfriend Shelly. Met her for the first time during Christmas. I dig her:
Mom opening the present I got her and Dad - a collage frame filled with pictures of my family. I think she liked it:
Christmas Eve dinner, the best of all meals. Can't figure out why everyone looks so upset though; the food was fabulous:
Oh Christmas tree, before half the presents were added:
One of my favorite Martin Family staples of Christmas morning, a fire:
Morgan. I don't believe I snapped this shot. With a pen mustache:
Aaron got Melanie the favorite of all gifts. It's called Last Night on Earth: the Zombie Game. Or something like that. Most addictive board game I've ever encountered by a long shot. We all loved it.
Monday, January 5, 2009
I'm at once psyched, thrilled, terrified, worried, hopeful and inconfident. But mostly I'm excited. However, on Wednesday, the day I have most my classes, I will be unable to attend. Matthias has an exceedingly important appointment in Idaho Falls that day. It's a four hour appointment to start at 8:30. My classes that day begin at 7:45 (at which time I'll be leaving) and end at 11:15. I'm kinda bummed that I'll be missing three first classes. Oh well. I have six total classes. I shall bore you with the details.
Well I'm majoring in Communications, going into Public Relations. Most my desired classes were taken, so I'm taking a lot of required generals. My classes:
Introduction to Communication Major
Science Foundations (UGH. I really wish I'd fulfilled my science requirement at Snow)
Foundations Professional Communication
World Ideologies in Conflict: Middle East
A Farewell to Art?: Persuasion and Propoganda in the 20th Century
Somehow, all these six difficult sounding classes only equal 12 credits. Um, at Snow College, if I had 6 classes, I had 18 credits. Bleh.
I used to be against Church schools. Not in general, but for me. I just didn't want to be around so many Mormons. I don't easily make friends with Mormons, oddly. And I didn't want to do the trendy thing, of being LDS and attending and LDS school. I've since changed my mind. As I've already been given some assignments for some of my classes, and in completing them, I've realized how excited I am for this Church school! I love that things secular and spiritual are combined, which assuredly will bring more advanced light and truth than any other conceivable combination of ideas, or of learning methods. I'm very excited. I love to learn; I love to know, and I think I'll learn more here at Brigham Young University Idaho than I have at any other institution. Part of that will be because it is now crucial that I learn, so that I can support my family with some degree of stability.
So tomorrow I'll be buying my books. Oh, and my financial aid came through! My tuition and books will be covered! YAY!
Rent, however.... who KNOWS where that will come from! God will figure it out. He always does; hasn't let me down yet. I've never been without a place to live (except that one time in Washington, but it was summer, and I didn't have kids (though I was pregnant), so sleeping in a commercial garage wasn't so bad), and I count that as an enormous blessing, one that never will be repaid. But I'll try. "How can I see another's lack and I not share my glowing fire, my loaf of bread, my roof's safe shelter overhead? That he, too, may be comforted." To try to repay is to share what we have.
Excuse the unintended tangent.
Anyway. God's gotten me this far. He's been with me through each journey; He's gotten me out of pits I dig for myself and jump into. Ooo, another tangent. I hang my work badge on my door because it's the ONLY way I'm sure to remember it. Anna was one day jumping, trying to reach my badge. I told her she better not knock it down because I need it for work. She knocked it down. I told her to put it back up. Now, she's five. She's not five feet. I knew she couldn't reach it; but it's part of life. What we remove, we must replace. She picked up my badge and soon realized she would not be able to put it back up on the slidy lock thing. She said, "I can't do it, Mommy." I said, "well, you knocked it down. It's now your responsibility to put it back up." I then approached her and told her I know she can't reach it, and if she will give me the badge, I'll put it back up for her. She did so, I did so, and she said "Thank you Mommy!" So cute! And as I replaced my badge, I thought, that's what God does for me. I mess up, and I can't fix it by myself. So, if I just give Him what I can't do, after I've done everything I can, he does the rest. Only thanks to the Atonement of Christ. I love when normal, mundane moments in life remind you of principles eternal. So, anyway, I'm sure He won't leave me alone now. What good father would abandon His daughter? I'm excited for the future. I'm really thinking about the future for the first time in my life and I'm excited for it. The future lies waiting to be molded, and I get to choose, to some degree, the shape it takes, the past it makes.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
I had on a super cute outfit but it's hard to take a picture of your outfit by yourself. I had called my sister for advice on what to wear to these things and she told me jeans. I was happy not to have to dress up.
Oh dear. I text my sister in panic. She replies saying if that's the competition for the guys closer to 30, I'll be pretty popular. Alright. I take a breath and step outside, briefly inspect the passenger door of my car, find no damage in the dark, and walk to the door everyone else is going in because I would be very embarrassed to use the door closest to my car if that's not the thing to do.
Can you see the trepidation in my eyes? I brave my way into the dance area. I see the crazy old lady who caught my door dancing like it's 1999. She was dancing with or near another similarly aged man. Here's who else was there:
I can't think of a time I felt more out of place. I did one more walk around, just in case there was any group of people less likely to die of old age any hour, but no such luck. It quickly became hard to breathe in so foreign a surrounding. I made a hasty getaway and sat in my car for a minute thinking about the wasted trip I'd made.