Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Unintentionally, this post relates to the one former. I've done some thinking. I think I should think more often. It's very satisfying. And anyway, I've come to some conclusions. Nothing about my thoughts are new, but to me, they are realizations, and are, therefore, enlightening. Which is always fun.

So, I'm single, and have been for 3.5 years. Being a single mom when you're not married is much easier than being a single mom in marriage. I don't pity my single motherhood, for I've done it pretty much since my daughter was born. I enjoy it a lot more now than I did during marriage. I'm better off financially than I was when I was married!!

Excuse my tangent.

Here's the thing: Just because I'm single, doesn't mean I am supposed to do things alone, by myself.

I feel anxiety when I think that someone else has to do something for me. I get all wadded up inside when I need help with my car or with my kids, or, especially, with money. Thankfully, I've not needed the latter much since I moved from Rexburg.

But anyway, today I realized that no one is meant to do this life alone. If that was the case, we'd all be provided with our own planets, or other large geographical space, and be expected to navigate it on our own, and equipped with everything we'd need to do so. However, that is not the case. In the garden of life, to some of us is given a ho, shovel, and rake. To others it is given seeds. And to others, it is given a watering can. Not one of us has every tool necessary to make it through this journey. We must rely on others. We must help others. Together, we can create a beautiful, satisfying, highly successful garden. Alone we can do nothing, and will die.

And so, next time I'm camping with my family and they help me set up my tent, I'll happily allow the help, rather than silently bemoan my lack of tent-setting-up skills; rather than mightily hoping they won't be secretly upset with me for requiring assistance. Eventually, with this attitude, I think I'll be able to release the anxiety that accompanies me when others help me.

And if you're not willing to help me set up my tent, or help me plant my garden, that's fine. I'll find someone else who is. Because, not only am I literally unable to do it myself, I'm also not supposed to do it myself. I'll share my garden tools with you, will you share your water with me?

Now, sometimes, we can offer more help to someone than he or she can to us. Conversely, sometimes, someone else will be able to give us more than we can return. I've learned that this is okay. This equals out in the grand scheme of things. For example, take my friend Lee from my previous post. Lee has a beautiful garden. It's not complete. Well, I didn't have many carrots or potatoes. But Lee had plenty. And he gave them to me so I could use them in my garden. I have shovels and little rakes and even gloves. But Lee had those already. He didn't need anything of mine. Someone else has what he needs. While that's all going on, someone else I know perhaps is lacking tools, so I can give him or her what I have, and perhaps that person has lots of corn and beans, but so do I. And so, from that person, I simply don't need what s/he can offer. And that happens sometimes, and that's ok. I can only take so many of Lee's carrots and potatoes before he needs to stop sharing them with me, and before I have enough.

And SOMETIMES, we have enough of something; we just don't know what to do with it, or we just use it incorrectly, and so we think we need more, when really we only need to cultivate it wisely.

And, so, I forgive Lee. He helped me so much, but there was little I could do for him. And that's really really okay. There's not much more he can do for me, nothing that he's done already, and I don't need him anymore. And so it's okay for us to take the natural courses of our lives, which simply do not logically, or otherwise, include each other.

That was a fun little garden analogy. Needs some work, but it was fun. :)

Thursday, November 18, 2010

shameless, childish VENT

When I moved to Rexburg in June of 2008, life was great for the first few months while I lived off my tax returns and hung out with my kids all day every day. Then I started looking for a job. Then, life sucked, from that moment on, till the day I moved home in April of 2010.

One bright spot in my Rexburg life was Lee. I started working at Deseret Industries in April of 2009, three months after I'd been laid off from my first horrid Rexburg job. All jobs in Rexburg are horrid. The first employee I met there was Lee. He was the "Developmental Specialist." Lee is married and has beautiful kids and there was never anything sexual or romantic or otherwise improper, not even remotely, in our relationship. But, there was something special, I believed. D.I. is kinda a place for kids who need help in some form or another. I thought I was one of the few normal folks who worked there, but as it happened, I needed help. I was an emotional, psychological mess. Lee was just the person for such a mess as he has an education in psychology, and a naturally compassionate disposition.

Some months when I lived in Rexburg were so very, very dark, that I really think Lee may have saved my life, in a way or two. He listened like no one else EVER had. I believed him when he told me I was important, and lovable, and that he cared.

And, you know, the act of "unfriending" on Facebook shouldn't mean a thing, except that it does, when it's by someone you believed when he said he cared.

maybe caring was just part of his job description.

As stupid as it is, it leaves me to wonder what the heck my purpose in Rexburg was. I spent 2 miserable years there. And now, one of the only reasons I look back on Rexburg with any degree of fondness disappears from my life? I did nothing for Rexburg and it did almost nothing for me.

Thank goodness for my dearest friend Eileen. If not for her, I'm pretty sure Rexburg would be the biggest waste of my life to date.

I wonder why Lee unfriended me. But I don't want to know.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Fall 2010 Update

I don't blog as often because I don't have pictures to post. That's because my camera doesn't work very well. Sad.

Well right now I'm looking to buy a house. Here's how I feel about that: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so excited. I wish I could have a house right now. But, no, there's loans and processes and blah blah blah. My goal/desire/wish-upon-a-star is to have my own place by Christmas.

Speaking of wishing on a star, do you remember when you believed that wishing on a star worked? And no matter how many times you didn't get your wish, you wished again anyway? Anna is in that stage now. She wishes on a star all the time. She whispers her wish (because, of course, if you say it out loud, it won't come true), and usually I can't hear it. And I won't think to ask her to break the rules and tell me what her wish is, though I usually really do want to know. But the other night, I heard her wish. She wished for powers.

Haha! She's so cute. Her favorite power is one that she made up, and that is the power to change her dolls, stuffed animals, ponies and any other toy (including Legos) into living things, and the power to change animals into people. And then the power to change them back whenever she wants. Once I asked her if she could have any power what would it be. Her response: "Actually, endless powers."

Anna's birthday is in about 6 weeks and I can't wait. I love her birthday.

Well, my sister is getting a divorce. I'm sad and I worry about her because she's better than I am and doesn't deserve the hell of divorce. I didn't deserve it either but Melanie is just -- well I don't know really but it just seems like more of an injustice with her than me. Plus, I know what it's like and I wouldn't wish the raw pain that I went through on anyone. Especially not someone I love.

So I don't know what to do to help her but I wish I could just make it all go away.

I'm still single! So very, very single. There was this guy that I had a little hope in for a while. I found him on eHarmony. (BTW, eHarmony is WAY better than LDSsingles). We never actually met in person since he lives in Colorado, but after a month of talking online and on the phone (this was September), he was planning a visit so we could meet. He seemed so perfect. He was LDS, smart, funny, had a career (you know, a real job that could actually support a family), he seemed so respectful and sweet. He was intelligent. And we had some really great conversations. But things got a little weird. He started making comments that were, to me, inappropriate for our stage in the (non-) relationship. I simply told him I felt that way and he got defensive. Then I realized he was a human and not a demigod and shoot, I can find humans all over the place; I don't need one outta Colorado. Then I realized I don't know him at all and he doesn't know me at all and to be very honest, I had a crazy episode which involved realizing that if he's human, he can break my heart. Not that there was much of an investment, but he was the closest thing to a relationship I've had in over three years. Well, come to find out, I'm not ready for a heart break. I thought I was. But I'm not. And, so, I'm not ready to risk a heart break. And so, I'm not ready for a relationship. At all.

He wasn't a bad guy. Maybe. I guess I don't really know. Luckily for me, he also decided he wasn't ready to come out and meet me, and he told me that, sparing me the job.

It was kinda a blow. Really? I'm not ready for love? It's been almost FOUR YEARS since my ex husband left. How can I not be ready? How can I not be healed? What is the matter with me? So.

Live and learn!! If there's a next time, he'll be local.

There's no one right now. I don't even have a crush. I don't know of anyone around here that I'd be interested in dating. That's depressing because I know a LOT of single ladies, most of whom feel the same way: not really any single guys around here worth dating. Well... there is this guy in my ward I'm curious about. I don't even know his name, but I'm 98% sure he's single. He shines, so that's why I'm curious about him. I want to know howcome he's shiny. He seems shy and sweet and always has on a nice suit. But mostly, he shines.

Moving on. I have been homeschooling my kids. But my schooling leaves a lot to be desired. My kids are very smart. Both of them are reading at a level higher than their own grade. Both know addition and subtraction pretty dang well. They can even tell you what waning crescent and waxing gibbous means, and they can define Soprano, Alto, Tenor and Bass. Okay, so that's not really relevant for the 1st grade, but come on: that's impressive. The reason I'm homeschooling them is because I work 1:30 Pm to 10:00 Pm. Meaning, if they went to school, I would NEVER see them. But, the mornings are when I do my errands, chores, all that stuff, why did I ever think I could educate my kids? It's just not working out so well. I need a day shift SO bad. I'm really working on it.

Um.... must-read books for you: DaVinci Code. Kite Runner. A Thousand Splendid Suns. But Hunger Games wasn't as good as it was cracked up to be. I only read the first and I've no desire to continue the series.

That is all.