Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Rad Vaycay - Crowder State Park

We arrived and I was immediately greeted by my wonderful uncle Curtis. He's neat. His wife and kids were unable to come so that was sad but it was great seeing him again. He helped us out the car and we walked to the main gathering area where many family members were hanging. Hugs and hellos galore. My best aunt Lori shrieked, "Stephanie!!" when she saw me and we hug-a-lugged. She is the best ever. I lived with her and her best ever husband and her best ever kids for a year from 1999 to 2000. Then she moved to Kentucky (what the?) and it's been many years since I saw her. I didn't even recognize her daughter Brittany, of which I am deeply ashamed. But last I saw her she could barely say my name, and now she's like 12 or something. And she's very beautiful.

I was kinda tuned out during the reunion. I don't know why and I regret it. Mostly I feel bad because I think my kids suffered because of it. I was pretty short with them and let the littlest things annoy me. I'm not sure what inspired this selfishness; I think the stress of the month was just getting to me. But that's no excuse. I think if I'd been more connected, they would have enjoyed the reunion even more. They had a ton of fun though, getting acquainted with second cousins and Anna really loved her great Grandpa and Grandma. They mostly enjoyed playing by the water fountains.

There was a talent show. Each of the 14 families (Grandma & Grandpa and their 13 kids) were alloted 5 minutes to perform a family talent. Our family did a fun one and I was in charge of the song and it really sucked but oh well.

The meals were prepared and served and cleaned up by one or two families. Our family had Sunday lunch. We made taco salad. I cut my finger while slicing fruit. Yeah.

Sunday most of us went to the grandparents' church. We possibly doubled the size of the ward. Maybe not quite doubled. It was fun though, even though Matthias spit on Uncle Ray's face. Sorry, Ray.

Kaien got really sick and it was sad. He wasn't eating well or breathing well. Poor little dude. That's my nephew by the way.

We had cabins. My little family shared a cabin with my big family. It was Mom and Dad and their three kids who have kids, and said kids. Jason, Cameron and Casey bunked with the unmarried young boys. It was fun having a cabin with my fam.

The first night, there was a thunder storm. Don't take that lightly. The thunder woke most of us up and it was relentless and wearying. The thunder didn't blasted stop. I told myself, it can't go on forever. But it did. I think the earth rumbled loudly for about an hour, which is eternal when you're supposed to be dreaming. Matthias woke up and said, "Mommy, is it dark and stormy?" Hehe.

There were fun games and teams and I got to know some of my cousins and stuff. Man, I tell you what- some of my cousins, who were boys last time I saw them but are now men, are . . . dare I say it . . . HOT. Yeah, they're like 18, and yeah, they're my family. But, yeah, they're good looking. Is that wrong, to recognize the beauty of my family? :) My grandparents sire a very attractive group. Not an ugly duckling among us.

There were frogs and caterpillars in abundance, much to Mattie's delight. He couldn't get enough of frogs and caterpillars. He had a pet caterpillar for quite a while and he was hanging out with me and some of us were making a human pyramid. The pyramid began to collapse and my uncle Ray grabbed my son to save him from falling bodies. The caterpillar was lost in the chaos. Matthias, never realizing the danger he was in and not understanding that his life had been saved, was heartbroken. Oh how he cried. It was so sad and sweet, so I found him a frog and he was appeased.

On our drive to church, Anna asked the following question:
"Mommy, what are dogs made of?"

In my brain I was laughing and while I was trying to come up with a response (what are dogs made of?), Matthias answered.

"Poop," he said.

My kids are the greatest.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Rad Vaycay -To Crowder State Park, MO

The coolest feature in my car was that I could control some radio settings from the steering wheel. So way awesome.

Oh, I stepped out of the airport (forgot to say earlier) and I could feel the air. As if I wasn't carrying enough stuff, now I had to carry the air around, too. It was heavy and it was sticky and it was wet and I felt like I was losing weight as I walked. I was sweating after, like, one minute of being outside. My lungs felt oppressed. I'd never experienced humidity like that before. It was something else.

Missouri is calm and serene and green and beautiful. I guess I can't speak for the whole state. But freeway travel was much more enjoyable than it is here in the desert because it was so green. Miles and miles of trees and greenness. Oh, and the freeway roads are FAR superior to the freeway here. It was a smooth ride the whole time I was on it. The speed limit is 70 which I thought was weird. Weirder still was that drivers stuck to it. I am accustomed to traveling five or ten miles faster than what the speed limit sign dictates, and that's just what you do around here. But that's not what you do in Missouri. I did anyway. Habits die hard. It was a new experience to pass, like, everyone, and to be passed very rarely.

Just before entering a construction zone, posted was a sign with a message that eased my stress because it caused me to laugh aloud. I laughed and laughed and pictured possible scenarios and wished I could have stopped to snap a photo. But I looked it up and found it, and here's exactly what it looked like except it was out of doors. On the freeway.

Isn't that funny? Well, shoot, there goes my day plans.

I exited the freeway and continued the rest of the journey on highways. The highways in MO are worse than the freeways here.

I saw a roadkilled possum.

I'm really tired and today was the kids' first day at daycare and my first full day at work and my first day on the phone at work and it was a long but good day and now I will go to bed.

From BOI to DEN to KCI continued

I got to Hertz and told the gal at the counter my name and stuff and she told me that since I had a debit card (as opposed to a credit card, which I don't posses), they would have to run a credit check. My tear ducts reacted but my tear damn remained steadfast as I told her my credit sucks (thank you, divorce) and I thought all I had to do was have $200 in my account. She said no. I just gave her a look of desperation and I was trying to come up with alternative forms of transportation to the reunion which was 2 hours from the airport. I simply could not afford anything else. I thought I'd have to beg my dad for more help when he arrived to the same airport in six or seven hours. The woman then informed me that some of the other car rental places didn't do credit checks. I mumbled something like "yeah, but. . ." and my thought continued while my tongue failed, "this is already paid for [I'd gotten a heck of a combo deal for 3 roundtrips + car rental). I can't afford an extra car rental."

Something changed in the air and the woman looked at her screen and said, "Priceline doesn't do credit checks, so you're good." I really did detect a shift in the atmosphere and therefore I think she bestowed mercy on me and somehow bypassed the credit check part, and the "priceline doesn't do credit checks" was a line of crap, but lovely merciful crap.

So I got my car (a silver cobalt for those who care -- I don't) and loaded my kids and gear and they were SO cranky and SO tired and hungry and I was tired and hungry and stressed and we were all miserable and we headed back to the airport to retrieve the carseats. I was happy to see that parking was free for 30 minutes or less. I had to wake up my kids, who had conked during the seven minutes of travel, and they were not happy to have to walk back to the airport. Poor Anna was so tired of walking. After a long and miserable experience of carseat retrieval, we finally got back to the car. Kids were crying again, still exhausted and still hungry. I got to the gate and smugly gave the woman my parking ticket, knowing it would be free. "That'll be two dollars," she said.

Two dollars really isn't anything to choke about, but I really did almost choke on my spit. "I was gone more than thirty minutes?" She checked her screen and informed me that I had been parked for 31 minutes. WHATEVER! FINE, here's your $2 you stingy wicked witch of the midwest! Yeah, that's what I told her.

Just kidding.

I was a little mean (I sighed angrily and set my jaw as I handed her the cash while refusing to make eye contact) and I feel bad about that. It wasn't her fault that she had to charge me for one minute. Probably not, anyway.

I told the kids how awesome they were being and encouraged them to sleep and they did.

Rad VayCay -- From BOI to DEN to KCI

Family reunion in Missouri was pretty cool. I have tons of pictures that I'm not in the mood to upload. Probably later today I'll be willing to do so.

Thursday after work drove to Nampa to stay the night at Mom's to make our 7:15 flight the following morning. Woke up at 4:45 after deciding to forfeit a shower (otherwise I'd have had to rise at like 4 -- sickening). Got a late start anyway and headed to Jeff Day's before the sun even thought about lighting my way. Jeff lives by the airport and had previously agreed to store my car at his place so I wouldn't have to pay for long term parking. And he kindly drove me to the airport and helped me with my luggage. So, yeah, that was totally rad. Then he drove my car back to his place.

Security was a freaking pain. You have to take off your shoes!!! That's gotta be a constitutional violation of privacy. But, I guess with all the recent national news top stories about people smuggling drugs and explosives between their toes, it's a necessary precaution. By this time, my kids were already starting to be cranky from having been robbed of precious rapid eye movement. I understood.

Well we finally got through security (no issues -- CTU wasn't contacted) and I wheeled the stroller and our carry-on items and was about to sit to wait when "now boarding for flight blah blah" (our flight) sounded over the loud speakers. Talk about in the nick of time. So we boarded, which was no easy task (single parenthood of two small children while traveling is a difficult recipe). I was carrying a ton of stuff PLUS pushing a stroller with a squirming and screaming preschooler boy child and keeping track of a walking preschooler girl child. Matthias was very, very nervous. I'd tried to talk up the experience. "We're going to fly on a jet and it will be so fun! It will be just like a rocket ship!" He was excited and even said the night before, "Mommy, guess what? I'm going on a rocket ship today!" Super cute. But he decided terror was more appropriate than excitement at some point after security. Anyway, so I had to figure out how to remove screaming preschooler from stroller at the gate and I don't remember how I managed, but I did. Matthias quickly escaped my grasp and ran the opposite direction. I was feeling anxiety for the people waiting behind us as I chased my son with my arms and back loaded with gear. I grabbed him and had to drag him down the hallway of doom and his screams escalated. I was surprised at how scared he was. We boarded. He escaped several more times as I tried to deposit gear onto chairs and in bins. He was throwing a veritable, kicking-and-screaming fit. Finally we were all seated and Matthias insisted on sitting on my lap. I told him he could for now but soon he'd have to get in his own seatbelt. He screamed at full throttle for a few more seconds then stopped instantly for no apparent reason and was okay the remainder of the flight, even when he had to sit in his own seat. Not another tear. He's moodier than PMSing woman with a mood disorder. I love that boy.

Due to retarded seat assignments, Anna had to sit across the aisle from Matthias and me. I was hoping the person who had the window seat on our row would see our predicament and off his seat, but he did no such thing, and I had to send Anna across the aisle with promises that I would still hold her hand. She offered a meager complaint at first but then discarded all negativity and obeyed. Cheerfully. And was fine the remainder of the flight. I love that girl.

We got to Denver and I found the next gate and saw one of my cousin's (I only have 60 first cousins on Mom's side), Treasa. She had arrived from SLC with her husband Devon (whom I met then for the first time) and they would be on the same flight to Kansas City as us. Yay! The kids didn't sleep on that flight which was totally annoying. But it was short; only an hour. Matthias had to pee like three times. I swear he plans stuff like that. Who has to pee three times in an hour? On an airplane? They don't really build those aisles with human beings in mind; they're like ten inches wide. Well we made it through and Treasa and Devan were gracious to offer to help me with my 2 children, one suitcase, one bag, two backpacks, three pillows and one stroller to the rental car area. I was very grateful. I had wondered how on earth was I going to transport all that stuff to the rental car.

BUT. On the shuttle from the airport to the rentals, I realized I'd left two very important items at the airport. The kids' carseats. I almost started to cry. I decided I would rent the car and pack all my stuff then drive it back to the airport and get the carseats.

To Be Continued.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

this weekend

We're going to Missouri. I'm relatively certain that I've never been farther east than Yellowstone Park. So, this will be new. We will be attending a grand family reunion. It will consist of my maternal grandparents, their children, their children's children, and their children's children's children. If you think that sounds like a lot of people, you have no idea. My grandparents have 13 kids and I'm thinking all 13 will be there with the exception of maybe one. Those kids have 66 kids amongst themselves. Or 64. I don't remember. And then there are something like 12 or 15 great grandkids. There will be about 100 people there, and again, that's just Grandma and Grandpa and down. No great aunts or uncles, no second cousins (except among the youngest ones). We've reserved an entire campground.


I'm pretty sure I've met all 60 of my cousins at some point, but I haven't seen most of them in several years.

I had to borrow some (a LOT) money from family in order to be able to go. We're flying! I can't even wait to see the kids' reactions on a plane for the first time. My first time on a plane was when I was 15 and I thought it was pretty awesome. I don't know how my kids will react. I don't know if they'll be screaming in terror or jumping for joy. Either way it'll be awesome and I will be adequately armed with camera and motion meds, just in case.

I have a lot to do because we're leaving tomorrow after work to Boise so as to be near the airport in time for our exceedingly early flight on Friday. I don't anticipate getting much sleep, so I don't know how quickly I'll be posting our awesome adventures in Missouri!

Okay. Bye.

Monday, August 18, 2008


Like, so totally weird. I have felt like I've been completely over my ex husband for quite a few months now but this wedding of his forced yucky memories and lovely memories- which are as unpleasant as the yucky ones- into my immediate consciousness. I had a rough week before the wedding, remembering the pain of that day he told me he doesn't love me anymore and on through the next months of hell to remembering the day he moved her into our apartment (which I wasn't living in at the time). I haven't thought about that stuff for a long time so the reminder wasn't fun. But now that they're married, it's over and I'm cool again. :)

So I took my kids to Nampa for their daddy's wedding. Anna was a flower girl. Kim, the best friend ever ever, picked up Anna for me from the wedding so I wouldn't have to go see the bliss that once was mine. What, I'm human, alright? I can't believe he expected me to pick my kids up from his wedding! Anyway, I'm really glad he's married because he's been living with her for over a year and now he's a better example to the kids. So Kim picked up Anna and Kadin and brought Anna to me and she looked so darn cute in her dress. She was being grumpy and wouldn't pose nicely for pictures but I did my best. Here's the two of them in their wedding clothes:

I love this one of Kadin because I think Matthias looks a lot like this! And he looks like the younger Kadin and not the growing-way-too-fast Kadin. Wow I miss this boy:And here's the cutest one of Anna that she allowed. She wouldn't even let me get on of just her. I like this one of the two of 'em.So the bride and groom didn't want Matthias there at the wedding because he had an eye infection (Which Matthias calls "Eye cafection"). I had to pick him up on Friday night and his eyes did look pretty bad. The next day I did some research on home remedies for conjunctivitis and bought some eyedrops and a health store and the infection cleared up in less than 24 hours! He's had it before and he was prescribed something and it still took a few days to clear. I swear, sometimes you don't need a doctor, man. The eye drops cost me $12 which I thought was a little high but I didn't have to take him to quick care or the ER so I saved a lot of $ there, and I think the prescription would have cost more too. Well I really wanted Matthias to at least be in the pictures so he won't look back in the family photo album and ask me one day, "Mommy, why wasn't I at daddy's wedding?" At which time, of course, I'll refer him to his father. I do understand that a wedding is very stressful and no one wants to think to remember to give eye meds to a preschooler when they're worrying about making sure the rings are where they should be and the wedding party is ready and all that stuff. By the afternoon of the wedding, he was lookin a bit like this:Poor little dude. But it's totally clear now. And he was such a good sport; he never whined about it one time to me, and he even let me put the eye drops in. We went shopping with Kim (I didn't buy anything of course) and we had a great time with him; he was being so sweet all day. And we spent like 9 hours with Kim and that's so not like me, to be with someone that's not my family for so long. But I could have even stayed longer. She bought Matt and me lunch, AND she gave me money for gas!!! I didn't want to take it but she insisted and I will be making it up to her at some point.

There y'are then. The man I committed forever to is now married to the woman he fell in love with while I was in love with him. Kinda sad, huh. But not really. It's just weird -- weird that I'm divorced, weird that he's married, weird that "the other woman" (as Randy himself calls her) has the same last name as me, weird that my kids have a step mom and several step siblings, weird that I'm a single mom, weird that I live in Rexburg which is full of single LDS men who are 22 years old. LOL.

I do hope he treats her better than he treated me, I hope she treats him better than I treated him, I hope they treat the kids well and are sensitive to their changing world, and I do hope they find bliss in marriage and that they hang on for the long haul.

Happy marriage Randy and Dawn.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

To Explain the Poll

So day 2 of training was fun. I like the guys, Scott and Ben. Ben is so polite and I love it. He respects women. Scott, who was hot yesterday, is pretty today. And he's an invader of personal space. And Ben knows Spanish. But, Ben wants to be an English professor, which is exactly what I want to be! So that's weird. Who to marry, Ben or Scott?

Man, wouldn't I just DIE if for whatever reason either one of them decided to read this blog. Of course I have no marital intentions concerning either of them. Lol. But it's fun training with guys; guys are so much fun.

Anyway so there are two Stephanie's. Our supervisor is Stephanie. And we identify ourselves on the phone by our first name so when callers ask for "Stephanie" there will be confusion. So, I have to change my name. I thought they were joking when they told me this at first. But, it's a fact. I asked if I could go by Queen and was told no. What? So not fair, they're smothering my personality. Hehe.

So, Scott decided I should go by Jade. Jade is a very cool name; kinda mysterious and sexy. I'm not so sure it fits my personality. I thought of Anna, since that is my daughter's name and I wouldn't likely forget it. Her middle name is Danielle, and I really love that name too. I put Rachel on the poll because people call me Rachel when they forget my name. It happens quite frequently, actually. It's pretty weird. I'm not a big fan of the name, but it's okay. So, anyway, please participate in the poll!



Okay, folks. I'm not as money hungry as I may come off. I jest, sometimes. The truth is, money is very important to me. Five or six years ago, money meant literally nothing to me. I didn't care about money at all and I looked down on some very rich people and I looked down on people who love money. Indeed, the scriptures tell us that "the love of money is the root of all evil." Sometimes I worry that I have crossed over into that spectrum, a lover of money. But then I realized that I don't put money first. In fact, whenever I think about money, I'm thinking about the welfare of my family.

I married someone who, like me, didn't care about money. We had that, among many other things, in common. Over the years, my opinion changed. When I was pregnant, we were homeless for a few months. Why? Because we couldn't gather up enough MONEY for an apartment deposit and rent. After two months of homelessness, I began looking at money differently. During my marriage, our power was shut off several times. Why? Because we couldn't gather up enough MONEY to pay important bills. Our phone was likewise shut off frequently. We depended on tax payers to feed us. I was so ashamed every time I swiped that foodstamps card, showing the cashier and everyone behind me in line that I didn't have enough MONEY to pay for my own food. We had to borrow money from our parents for rent on several occasions, and even went to the church a few times. My then-husband and I both had part time jobs. I hated to work because I believed that my place was in the home. But his job was scarcely covering rent, so circumstances forced me to work. Bills started getting paid then, but it was still a CONSTANT struggle to make ends meet. And we still couldn't feed our own kids. Thank you tax payers of Idaho.

I would never ever divorce over money, or the lack thereof, and I do want to make it clear that the constant financial battle was not the cause of divorce. The battle wasn't against eachother. It was just usually an unspoken mutual stress against circumstance. When the marriage ended, I had a very different outlook on money than when it began. I now saw that money is very, very important because paying your own bills, on time even, is very, very important. I got a job and soon for the first time in years, I was able to feed my own children, with my own money. I paid all my bills, every month, usually on time (but sometimes I would forget and pay a few days late). I never worried about where rent was going to come from. AND, I could take the kids out to dinner and to the movies and bowling and STILL be able to pay my bills. Eventually, I was able to buy a new-to-me-car. I wasn't the American standard of rich, not at all. You see, I don't need to be rich. But, I do have a different view of rich now, also. So what if a dentist makes a lot more money than a . . . I don't know . . . public transportation person. The dentist worked a lot harder for that career! There's nothing wrong with being rich, there's nothing wrong with wanting a career that pays very well.

And there's nothing wrong with a single mom wanting to marry a man who cares about money.

But allow me to break it down for you. Here's what I want, and expect:

I want to be a stay at home mom. My church teaches that mothers should stay home and do the very important work of raising children and keeping a home, while fathers should bring enough money home to allow that. I believe that very strongly. I see that children benefit from a stay at home parent and I want the best for my children. I want a man who believes in the value of work, who would get a full time job before seeing his wife work outside the home, or, even, who would get a full time PLUS a part time job before seeing his wife work outside the home. My brother is like that. Men like that exist, men who agree with the teachings of God (as our church believes), and there is no shame to be had in expecting that from a husband. I want to be able to stay home and still be able to cover all the bills, still be able to add each month to a savings account, still be able to go on dates and family outings, still be able to be charitable.

All I really want is to stay at home with my kids and not be burdened with the extreme anxiety of wondering where rent is going to come from. I don't need a big house or a fancy car. I just don't want to have to worry about money. I know and understand that it's a lot to expect a man to support another man's children, but it is what I look for. And I believe he's out there, someone who will love me and my children enough to support us while I do the equally important work in the home.

What's so wrong about wanting to be a stay at home mom while still not using other people's money to feed my family?

Monday, August 11, 2008

New Job

First day of training was today. I'm training with two cute single LDS men. But they're not potential husbands because I know how much money they make and it's not enough! One of them is REALLY good looking and the other is very polite. Both are attending school so they do have a potential for higher pay but I don't want to wait around for that, so I denied both their marriage proposals today.

It'll be a fun job I think. Kinda depressing, but fun. Depressing because my job is about weddings. And I want to get married! So I'll be forced to think about weddings all day every day. I'll be taking orders for wedding invitations, wedding accessories (like wine glasses, cake knives, cake toppers, etc.) and I'll be keying in the words for the invitations (so if I spell a name wrong, I could get fired, lol) and I'll be taking customer complaints from bridezillas who wanted their name spelled just so but we got it wrong.... LOL.

Anyway. It really will be fun and I'll love working right across the street from my kids' daycare. I'm waiting for ICCP to kick in before I take them to daycare though so today I had a teenager gal from church watch them and the kids were in one piece and happy when I got home. So everything is okay. And it was only four hours today. And that hot guy is named Scott and he went to South Africa for his mission! WOW!

Saturday, August 9, 2008


Turns out, I have absolutely loved all this time off work, spending all the time with my kids, almost as if I was a stay at home mom (my dream job). This weekend so far has been a sad one, knowing I start my job on Monday and these are the last full days with my kids. My savings are almost gone completely, and I am relying on the Lord to carry me through to my first paycheck. Of course I'll be alright, but I don't know how, at this point. Anyway, that was a silly side note. What I'm trying to whine about is letting my kids go!

I've looked into a few options. I've been torn between hiring a daycare facility and a Stay At Home Mom (hereafter to be called SAHM). I believe my kids could get the best possible care in a home of a mother. But, they could also get the worst possible care. At a daycare facility, where rules are strict and enforced by the state, my kids are less likely to be in danger of harm. But, conversely, at a home of a mom, my kids are less likely to be ignored or counted as a number; more likely to be genuinely loved. Either way, I hate the idea of paying someone to care for my kids. I hate the idea that my kids have to become someone's job. But, I can't avoid that at this point.

I decided on a daycare. I can't afford child care, whether by professional facility or SAHM. At a daycare, I can ask the state for help. I hate doing that, but at this point, my options are severely limited. I found the daycare, and I'm so impressed with them. They are located directly across from where I'll be working, so I can go see the kids at my lunch break! I went to the facility to ask questions and ended up being so impressed that I signed my kids up. All of my questions were answered exactly the way I hoped. I only met three of the workers (there are several, whom I will make a point to meet later), and they all expressed genuine interest in my kids, even though two of them didn't know I was planning on having the kids go there. Anna and Matthias didn't even want to leave, and we were there for 45 minutes. Anna keeps asking when she can go back.

I wish I could do a background check on all the kids' parents. I want to know who these kids are that my kids will be associating with. I want to know who their parents are and what happens in their homes, you know?

Well after I checked out the daycare, I went to apply for the Idaho Child Care Program. It takes like ten days before I get the help so I'll have to find something else until then, or I have to pay. It's only $72 a week per child, which isn't bad at all compared to facilities in Nampa I remember looking at. But I don't have $145 to spare. I will still have to pay a percentage of the daycare costs because the program never pays for it fully. But, it will be a percentage I'm sure I can handle. And Randy's supposed to pay half of what's charged. That would be nice.
I once heard a story of a flying pig....

Anyway. Well my kids are in bed, sleeping. And tomorrow is the last full day I have with them. And it breaks my heart. I've been a little bit freaking out all weekend. I'll look at their gorgeous faces and stare and shake my head in wonder. How is it possible that I helped produce something so amazing? I could never have earned the joy they bring me. And now I have to go to work and leave them with strange kids and adults and I don't get to pick what they do every moment anymore, and I don't get to be with them when they do it! You'd think I've never had a full time job before! I did it for a year already. These two months have really spoiled me. It feels like I'm leaving them. And yet, it's for them that I leave.

I know of mothers who leave their kids at daycares on their days off. I can't grasp that.

The kids know I'm going to start working again, of course. Anna yesterday, while eating her lunch, asked me, "Mommy, do you love me?"

I stopped my business and looked at her, wondering what I'd done to make her question my love. But of course she knew the answer, and of course I was happy to oblige the question. I approached her, cradled her chin in my hand, looked her in the eyes and almost started crying (I'm going to to miss her SO much!) and told her that I love her so much. She continued: "Are you gonna leave us?"

Well, whatever tears I'd managed to hold in had no chance now. I told her "Baby, I will never leave you. When I have to go to work and drop you off somewhere, I will always come back for you. Every day." She seemed satisfied and went back to eating.

I don't wanna leave her. Not for 40 hours a week, not ever.

Today I was even more anxious about my immediate future and I told Anna that I'll miss her and Matty so much when I start work. She put a hand on my shoulder and said, matter-of-factly, "It's okay, Mommy. You'll always come back. You can be so excited for your new job!"

Well. I'm not excited. I'd rather not have to contribute to society in order to keep my family and myself alive.

I've gotten through worse, and I'll get through this, but for tonight, I'm very sad.

Thanks for reading!

Friday, August 8, 2008

So Much to Report!

Well I finally got a job. It's a huge printing company and the pay is LAME but it seems like the only thing I could get. It'll be a fun job I think and I can wear jeans. And I love the hours: 7:00 to 3:30. That gives me the whole afternoon with my kids! And it will force me to wake up early which I love/hate. So, there ya have it. My new job.

I have a ton of pics so you're just going to have to deal with it.

Here's some pictures at Smith Park, one of the several thousand great parks here in Rexburg:

Matthias at first was afraid to go down the really big slide. He would climb all the way up, look down, freak out a bit, and climb back down. But he finally got brave. Anna, however, had no fear.
Below are pics of the really cool kid town there was at the park. There was a jail and some stores and it was really cool. Three days after I took these pictures, we went back to the park and the kid town was gone! I was really glad I'd gotten pics before that happened.

Okay and then we went to a family reunion in Pocatello. It was for my Dad's Mom's side of the family. I didn't know anyone except one aunt and two uncles and one cousin (Michelle!) and her daughters. Anyway It was Randy's weekend and I told Randy about the reunion and at first he said he'd rather see the kids so I planned on taking them to Nampa but then he emailed me saying he didn't want the kids to miss out on the reunion! I was glad because the trip to Pokie is a lot shorter than the trip to Nampa! And the kids got to see their 2nd cousins, Sasha and Valerie, whom they haven't seen since April. They had SO much fun.

Matthias and Anna often pick me dandelions. It's so sweet. Anna picked me one that day and suggested I put it in my ear. I told her I didn't want to but Matthias thought it sounded like a great idea to put a weed in his ear. Not exactly what Anna and I had in mind:

I don't usually spend much time on Anna's hair (lazy), so I thought it necessary to take a picture of my efforts. She's also wearing the smile that she wears when someone tells her to smile. Funny.
When we first arrived, the sprinklers were on. While everyone else was getting reacquainted (or acquainted), Matthias was running through the sprinklers. I managed to get this really great shot of him getting purposely sprayed in the face:
Pure cuteness after soaking:Michelle's daughter Sasha is a few months older than Anna, and Valerie is a few months older than Matthias. Here's the four of them running in the sprinklers. They had so so so much fun together, especially Anna and Sasha.Sasha fell and hurt her knee so Anna helped her up. This wasn't actually Anna's idea, but she was happy to assist as soon as Sasha suggested it. :) They were so funny together.
Here's the four cousins: Val (3), Anna, Sasha (5) and Matthias. Note the body language. Those middle girls just love eachother, eh?Oh my gosh, this is SO sweet!
This was so funny. Some other relative kid did something that was unjust (maybe made fun of Sasha and/or Anna? Don't remember...) so they were comforting eachother. Sasha was saying, "oh, Anna!" in a super cute pouty voice.They found a potato bug/pill bug/roly poly and were exceedingly fascinated. Their curiosity eventually killed the poor subject.Here is the mother of the lovely girls, my lovely cousin Michelle, holding her daughter. I happen to think this is a super cute picture of her (which she didn't even know I was taking at the moment!):
And here is my awesome Aunt Anita, Michelle's Mom, holding Val. I pretty much think the world of this woman, whose heart is gold.And here's my parents, looking at eachother and smiling. You'd think they're in love or something? I love this pic.
Going home.Take a deep breath, I'm almost through.

Melanie came over on Wednesday!! She went back home today. :( I asked her to help me with the kids so I didn't have to call some careless teenager to babysit if/when I got interviews (had an unpleasant experience w that earlier). It really helped because I got a job finally. I was intending to pay for her gas for the trip but she didn't let me and I know she's not rich so I'll pay her sometime. It was super nice of her and it was really great having her and Morgan here. Here they are:
Cousins in the morning.
A few weeks ago I was faxing something at the UPS store and Anna saw some cool toys on a high shelf and asked me what they were for. The worker answered, saying they were prizes for a coloring contest and she gave Anna a color page. She colored it and we took it back the next day and Anna thought she would get a prize right then. She was very disappointed when we left empty-handed. I explained to her the rules and that if she won (which I actually doubted, since I know three year olds who stay in the lines better! But I love my daughter the best), I would be contacted in a few weeks. She was sad until she forgot about it. Well I got a phone call and they said she won! Anna was so so so excited and we picked up her prize today. She got to pick from a goldmine of choices and she chose a Lightning McQueen puzzle.

The UPS lady was very gracious:

Well that's about all I have for now. I know it's really short; sorry about that. ;)

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Interview outcome

Well it was enjoyable. I really like the people who interviewed me. I'll know if I've graduated to the second interview either today or tomorrow. The thank you note I'm mailing today will hopefully convince them to call me back, if they're wavering. I would really like to work there, I think. It's a native-to-Idaho store, and while I'm not an Idaho native, I consider Idaho my home state, and ever will. I love Idaho. Anyway, so I think it would be really cool to work for a company that was founded in Idaho, and the people there seem really amazing and I think I would fit in well and the sad thing is, the position is part time. But it could turn into full time and they said there's usually more than 20 hours and also they said that if you work hard, the part time hours could be full time pay. So that would really rock.

Well right now 'm supposed to be at Artco for an employment test but I couldn't find a babysitter. Everyone's gone. And by everyone I mean the two or three people I know. For my interview yesterday I employed a teenager for the first time since I've been here. She came highly recommended from the RS pres (the mother). I wasn't impressed. I think I'll stick with grownups if at all possible.

Well I'm expecting a miracle soon so I'll let you know when that happens.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Job Interview

Well I finally have an interview after an interview famine! It's Monday at noon at another jewelry store, and I'm going to get it this time! Because there is no alternative.

Well, I guess you could consider working fast food/depending on tax payers to feed and house me an option, but I don't.

When I finally start getting paychecks, I'll be able to pay the application fee for BYU-I and get that rolling, then hopefully get accepted for the Winter Semester. Then I'll get my bachelors, then I'll move somewhere else to get my PhD, then I'll be a professor when I grow up, then I'll be rich, then I'll be able to buy a husband!

So in like eight years (since I won't be able to go to school full time because I'll have to work), I'll be set. Lol.

Oh and today we went to a family reunion and I thought it would be dumb but it was pretty cool and I'm going to put up some pics later.

Bye. Oh, wish me luck for the interview!

Friday, August 1, 2008

How to Sweat.

So Pilates gave me a stiff neck. I know why; I was turning my head to see the TV when I was supposed to be looking forward or down. Anyway, I had a stiff neck for like 3 days, it's finally going away now. So not fun. But I decided a while ago that I was going to add something aerobic to my pilates and I bought a Tae-Bo VHS set of four tapes off ebay (for $6, including shipping). I got it yesterday and yesterday I did the instructional tape.

Today I tried the 8 minute workout.


First of all, I'm positive that it's much longer than 8 minutes. Secondly, within 8 minutes, I was sweating out of every last gland, and I never sweat! So gross! Man, what a workout! I better have burned, like, 4000 calories because I am beat. In fact, I couldn't even finish the "8 minutes" (it has to be 20) because my lungs were contracting! Oh, here we go... the case says it 16 minutes. No way, that's it?

Anyway, I must be a wimp. But it was fun and I've been gaining weight and inches and I'm really upset about that (it also makes NO sense) so hopefully this will help. I should be able to handle 16 minutes of exercise a day, really. I'll still do the pilates too every so often for good measure.

I'm going to take a cold shower now.