Sunday, March 13, 2011

How do you know?

Have I really not posted since before I moved? Crazy!
Well I have my own house now. I love it. Except that I haven't unpacked yet, and my house is a mess all the time.

Which is most important:
Adding to my meager food storage
Teaching my kids how to work
(learning how to work)
Putting away money for the future
Cleaning my house
Getting my oil changed
Spending more time with the kids and less on the computer
Stopping destructive habits
Serving my neighbor
Learning to control my impulses
Keeping my job by not staying home with my sick kids
Keeping my house clean if/when it ever gets there
Paying my bills
Doing visiting teaching
Having family scripture study
Teaching my kids about Jesus
Being a missionary
Quitting Pepsi
Putting together a 72 hour kit for my kids and me
Deeper study of the scriptures
More meaningful prayer
Eating healthy foods
forgiving those who've wronged me
Going to the Temple?

I keep having things to add but I'm going to make myself stop there because it's already making me hyperventilate. All those things are important to me, very important to me, and I wish they were a part of who I am but I fail at every one of those things. And I need to do every one of those things. And I need to do them all right now because now is the time to prepare to meet God and if the world is ending and Japan happens in Idaho, I'm going to die and so will my kids because I dont' have a food storage and I don't have a savings and I don't know how to work and my kids don't either and we're all freaking lazy and it's all because of me and we don't know how to be spiritually guarded because we don't have FHE or family scriptures and my car, if it survives, won't be much good because it needs an oil change, and no one can stay at my house if it stands because it's too messy and I don't have enough food to feed them and I'll still want to impulsively do all the things I impulsively do and I won't be able to so i'll be miserable and my kids will be too because they haven't been taught what's really important. And the people I am supposed to visit teach won't trust me and maybe they'll die because of me and I'm going to starve not only because I own't have anything stored but because I am so used to eating whatever I want whenever I want and that's why my blood pressure's a little high and my back hurts and I can't walk or run very far and anyways if I do die I haven't done any of the commandments and I can't do all that list today.

Even though I'm not doing any of the things on that list, it just feels like I'm doing the very best I can. But what am I doing? I don't even know. Nothing, probably.

That is all.