Mrs. Finch

Mrs. Finch

I knew basic arithmetic,
The hour Punky Brewster aired,
And how to write a complete sentence
when he was born.

But he reminds me of Atticus.
And Anna could be Scout
And Matty could be Jem.
And he could be my Atticus.

There is danger in the pursuit of fiction.
But Atticus . . .

Atticus embodies truth.

1.28.09

Tax Returns!

I'm all filed! Woo hoo! I'll be getting my return in about 2 weeks, and it's going to be enough to live off of for four months (if I continue my current living lifestyle, which is poverty, which I will). I'd wanted to get a Wii but since I'm unemployed, I think I better not do that. I'm bummed. But. If I get a job soon, I'm still gettin me a Wii!

Today I stayed home from school because Matthias threw up at about midnight and then again at about 6 this morning. But after that, nothing. I could have gone. Oh well.

Seems like there was some other excellent news, but I can't remember. Hmm. Well today Matthias said, "Chicken turns you yellow."

Anna said

"The boys will think I'm pretty in this dress."

NO!!!! Anna, please don't think about boys thinking you're pretty. You're five.

"Mom, you have hairy arms. You must stop drinking Pepsi."

Anna: I will be hot in this shirt.
Me: If you get hot you can roll your sleeves up.
Anna: No, that's not what I mean. Hot means fabulous. I will be, very, very hot in this shirt!"

My 100th Post! (I think)

And I'll make it about my kids:

Today, Matthias pooped and needed help wiping. Such are the joys of motherhood. Anyway, as he was flushing, he said, "that is some seriously green poop!"

WHAT? Firstly, it wasn't remotely green, let alone "seriously green." Second, WHAT? Oh it was so funny! Hearing those words come out of his three year old mouth in that order... Oh I love him.

Today, Anna said -- oh no, I forgot. NO! It was so dang funny! It just now slipped my mind, I'm willing its return.... not working.... Oh man. Dangit. Seriously should write these things down as they happen.

Some pictures:

Totally Infatuated

UGH! So there's this guy. I think he's totally perfect and I think I could never ever ever come close to deserving him, but I want to be with him anyway. I've known him for a few years. He's from Nampa, and is now attending BYU-I. He's in one of my classes, and we talk before and after each class period. And that's the extent of our relationship. But I wish it was more. I'm so attracted to his soul that his good looks don't distract me.

His family is amazing. His parents were so wonderful and helpful when Randy left. I LOVE his parents!

He's funny, very smart, very faithful in the LDS church, very gentle and kind. He asks me questions like he cares about the answers. AND I can't stop thinking about him. And it's so annoying. And he said for me to call him if I ever need a babysitter. Just out of the blue offered, like he knows what it's like to be a single mom! He's not so egocentric like a lot of guys are.

The first day I met him, I looked in his eyes and had to immediately look away because of some weird power that I felt. This was a good five years ago. I was married, happily, and he was very young. So I put that strange experience in the back of my mind. And now we're in a class together. What does it mean? Probably nothing. But possibly, hopefully, something.

If he was 30, I would totally tell him how I feel! But, as it is, he's not 30, and there's thousands of younger women who deserve him. It feels like it wouldn't be fair for him to date me. I don't think I'm that bad, but he's that good. On the other hand, I really want to be with someone better than I am because I know I would be inspired to match his goodness in such an arrangement.

Even though he's quite young, he exhibits remarkable maturity, so maybe he's looking for someone a little older? But who looks for a mom, you know? UGH!

VOTE TODAY!

The finalists are up! Man, there are some good ones, and make sure you go to TAMN's site and vote for Melanie!!

VOTE for Melanie!

My sister is Melanie and I have nominated her for a contest on seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com. She's a finalist!!!!!!! Tomorrow is the day to vote, 1.23.2009, so get on it friends! Vote for my sister! Check out the blog and you'll see what the prizes are on one of her earlier posts. Vote vote vote!

FHE, Newborns, Fish

For Family Home Evening on Monday, we made Jesus books. I remember when I was a kid, Mom got us a little photo album and we put pictures of Jesus in it so we could have something to look at during the Sacrament service at church, rather than being bored and disruptive. My kids get bored and disruptive at church (and I'm relatively certain mine are the only ones who are sometimes inappropriately loud) so I thought we'd attempt the same thing. We got old church magazines and found pictures of Jesus and cut them out and glued them on the little paper books we made. Anna thought it was pretty fun, but Matthias pretty much threw a fit the entire time. Until pictures. Here's a view of the final product:


He's saying, "look Mommy, that's what we have at church!" or something like that.


Fast forward to yesterday, 1.16. Jennifer (mi prima, who lives in Rexburg, thank goodness I have family here) had her third baby. I watched her kids while she went to deliver a child. Here she is, just about to head out the door. Why can't we all look this good 8 hours before bearing a child?
The kids were being really good playing in the bedroom. I could hear them play, which is a good sign (parents know that too-quiet is dangerous). I decided to see what they were doing. I found the four of them in Jaden and Jenna's closet:

This is just cute. Jenna:
Jaden and Jenna were twirling with the belts:
Today, I took the kids to the hospital to see their new second cousin.
Pizza face
Oh, man, he's beautiful, no? The sweetest little thing. I didn't wanna return him to his mother.
Momma and babe.
There's a fish tank in one corrider of the hospital. Matthias cannot resist stopping at any fish tank. Don't you love his face? I love his face.
Here he is through the tank.
And Anna, who, with her coat and hat, looks like a scuba diver. :)

The End.

The After

Laid off and okay! Scary that I have no income but bills don't stop. BUT, God always takes care of me and I know He won't let me down now. I totally trust that whatever happens now, He'll take care of us. He usually has a plan that I never even conceive of, so I'm excited to see what's coming up next. Of course, I'll be doing everything I can to support myself and my kids.

The few places I've visited are not hiring. The school is even on a hiring freeze. Melaleuca isn't even hiring. But, all is well.

So, I have to tell you a few things Anna has said the past few days that have cracked me up. Yesterday I was babysitting for Jennifer while she gave birth to Jonah Josiah Davis (oh, he is beautiful). Anna and Jennifer's son Jaden were pretending to be bees. Anna said I was a bee too. I said okay. She then tried to attach a popsicle stick to my back. I said ow. She said "I'm giving you your stinger." I said "I don't want a stinger." She said, "Okay, you can be a different species."

What? I swear, my five year old is smarter than I am.

Today, Anna and I were singing and dancing to a song. When the kids were at Randy's for Christmas Break, and I was going NUTS missing them, I learned the song "So Lonely" from the kid movie Seventh Brother. I have the sheet music for it and I realized it totally fit what I was feeling when my kids were gone. So I learned it on the piano and I sang it like a hundred times a day, which only magnified my self pity. :) Anyway, Anna loves it, and sometimes if I start to sing it, Anna will ask me to stop because "it makes the tears come out." My little sensitive darling. So, ANYWAY. Today I was singing it, Anna and I were dancing together, and when I got to the line that says "Someone somwhere hear my pleas . . ." Anna said "Jesus will always hear you. He hears everything." I affirmed her statement. She said, "Yeah, 'cause Jesus gots God ears." God ears? Wha-- Like, how does she come up with this stuff? She's amazing.

Whenever I brag about Anna I feel like I have to brag about Matthias too. Well let's see. Today he's been singing along with Veggietales' Silly Songs with Larry. I love how he loves to sing. He says I Love to See the Temple is his favorite song, and whenever we drive by the Rexburg temple, he gets so so so excited and says, "That's the Rexburg temple!" and sometimes, "I'm going to get married there someday." And my heart swells up with pride. That's right, son. Temple marriage.

Which reminds me about Anna. She's having a hard time at daycare. She doesn't know whom to marry. One day she's going to marry Bowen. The next, it's Tyson. Tyson, Bowen, Tyson, Bowen. Today she said she'll marry Bowen, and then she can marry someone else after. And I told her no, she only gets to marry one person, she can't just change her mind after she's married. I also told her she has plenty of time to choose a husband. It sucks that her mom and dad are horrible examples of marrying only one person. Well, her dad anyway (and he's actually had 3 weddings). I have still only been married to one person. But I do intend to remarry, which sends the loud and clear message that it's okay to get married, then divorced, then married again, even though I tell her once is all she gets. Such are the consequences of a failed marriage wherein children were born.

All because I made a poor choice. Anyone who is dating right now -- CHOOSE WELL! Don't ignore red flags! If he spends four hours with another woman, pays for her dinner and hangs out in her apartment while she cries on his shoulder -- that's a sign. Don't sweep it under the rug. If he's unemployed -- for crying out loud, at least wait till he gets a job. Unless it's 2009 and he got laid off and is trying very hard to find a job. :) If his mother warns you -- RED FLAG! Holy beans. Listen, if something just doesn't seem right, think about your future children. That was another error on my part. I never once thought about my future. I only thought about now. Anyway, I'm full of preachy advice about relationships and I have a lot of hindsight. I'm like a love doctor. Come to me, dear ones, with your relationship troubles, and I will guide you through. :D

The End

Had classes today. Three of them; long day. After my last class I trekked to my car and headed to work, as is my routine as of last Wednesday. I clock in and set my coat down, turn on my computer. Suzelle, who sits near me, says, "Daniella!" and I look and she holds up this paper whereupon she's written, "I'm proud of you, you still have a job." I look at her quizically. "Huh?"
"A lot of people don't," she murmured.
Suzanne approaches me and her eyes are squinty. Suzanne's my supervisor. I haven't even sat yet. I know what she's going to tell me. "Derek wants to see you in HR," she says, patting my shoulder.
Thanks to Suzelle, I knew what for. I had some time as I was descending the staircase to try to steel my heart. I walked in to see Derek. "Are you Stephanie?" he asks. I nod. "Stephanie Montano?" I nod. "Have a seat." he shuts the door of his office.
Garth is there, the company president. I doubt that he's ever noticed me before.
Derek proceeds: "As you may be aware, the company has been facing economic challenges. This morning we got the [murmur] to reduce our workforce. Blah blah, mumble mumble, sorry, blah, murmer, lalalalalalalalalalalala meeting tomorrow, burble burble, severence package, lalalalalalalalalalalala, one of 45 employees, sunsa sunsa, blahblahblah, paid for the rest of today. Any questions?"

My interpretation: You Suck. You and 45 other employees have been weighed, measured, and found wanting. We don't need you like we need the other 150 employees. To soften the blow, we'll go ahead and pay you for the rest of your scheduled shift.

Then I went to cry in the bathroom. For a long time. When I thought I was done, I went upstairs to get my coat and keys (I'm allowed to come back tomorrow for the rest of my belongings) and then my darn friends (who still have jobs!) thought it would be nice to say they're sorry and give me hugs. UGH! I wanted to scream at them to leave me alone because I JUST got done crying about it. Don't even talk to me. Talk to me tomorrow when I've had chance to reassure myself. Tomorrow I'll remember that it's all in God's hands; I'll be fine, I always am. Right now, I'm a little scared, so don't touch me. But, women will be women. And really I appreciate it, and really I'd be bummed if no one talked to me about it, but at the time, I just didn't want anyone to talk to me. So I cried some more (I can count on one hand - maybe two - the times I've cried in front of non-family). Suzanne approached me at patted my shoulder and said it wasn't about me. I wanted to replay for her what Derek told me ("You Suck," etc.). She said it was the economy. There's a new one. "It's not you, it's the economy."
I don't mean to be disrespectful to Suzanne; she's a wonderful woman and a really great supervisor. I really like her a lot and certainly don't blame her. I don't blame anyone. It's the economy, right?

Then I walked to my car with my head down and drove away. I didn't know where I was going to go. Do I pick up my kids? I didn't. Do I gather applications? I didn't. I came home to blog. I will also presently print a thousand resumes. The small town of Rexburg is right now a very competitive area for job hunting. 45 people are now looking for jobs, and they've all had since this morning. I came in later due to school. I wonder if there was a mass layoff. Probably. They probably gathered the chosen ones in the meeting room and layed them all off at once.

Guess I'll change my clothes and plaster on a smile and begin my second round in five months of job hunting in Rexburg.

The Prayer of a Child

Kids can sure break your heart. Yesterday Anna said, "I wish I had a daddy named Randy in Rexburg." She makes such comments from time to time.
I emphatically hate that my kids have to live this part of their life in a single parent home. It is not ideal. It is not fair to them. They did nothing to deserve it. They get to be raised by daycares who can't offer them the full attention they need and deserve, by kind and qualified providers who can never love my children like I do. Now that I have school, the kids are in daycare for 10 hours two days a week. The other days are about 8 hours. I just keep telling myself that in a few years, it will all be worth it, when I have enough knowledge to make enough money to support my family in minimal hours. But for now, it's really hard. My kids are such such troopers. They never complain about their lot. Sadly, the don't know any different.

And then, in her prayer last night, she said "Please bless I'll get a new daddy in Rexburg."

I say the same prayer every night, with somewhat different wording. :)

Poor girl. She misses having both a mommy and a daddy, at the same time. Breaks my heart that it bugs her so bad. Breaks my heart that I can do nothing about it. Can't go back in time and change things, you know.

What do I say to her to comfort her? I did tell her that I think I'll find a husband who will take care of all of us. She said it's taking too long. Tell me about it. I told her that sometimes Heavenly Father wants us to wait a long time so we can be sure to get the best thing. Maybe it's taking so long because God is making sure He's picking the best possible man for us, I told her.
Well, it's a nice thought. :)

My Academic Goals

At the end of the semester, I will have:

• Received a 4.0 in all 6 classes
• Completed each assignment
• Experienced true learning, not just test learning
• Never done homework on the Sabbath
• Effectively balanced family, studies, and employment
• More specifically decided what I want to do with the rest of my life, as far as employment

A goal unwritten is merely a wish. Wow, I love school. I love all my classes. I love all my instructors. I haven't been a student since 2002 -- that's seven years! So I'm a little rusty, but I'm quickly getting back into the swing of things.

Thanks for reading!

Anna

She was eating some of her Christmas candy. She had M&Ms and then a candy bracelet. She shared the M&Ms with me, then said, "you still have chocolate in your throat, now try my candy bracelet." I laughed at her "chocolate in your throat" and said she was so funny. She stated: "Yeah. And I'm right. Always."

Oh my funniness.

WoW

My first day of classes was so exciting! I was so late to my 2nd class because I couldn't find a bloody parkin spot, and then I got lost inside the building. So that was embarrassing. Otherwise, it was an awesome day and I'm going to love all my classes and I'm going to love my major and my fellow students even though I'm almost 28 and they're mostly almost 20. My Religion class professor, who teaches Family Foundations, was oddly thrilled to learn that I'm divorced (which discovery he made by eavesdropping). I think he might use me as a case or something. Lol. I'm pretty sure I'm the only divorced person in his class. I'm like a novelty.

So I had class at 7, during which time I dropped the kids off at Jennifer's. This class was only an hour. I picked the kids up, took 'em home for a quick snack, and drove them to daycare. Then I went back to campus and had 2 more classes. Then I went to work till five. Now I'm home and exhausted and want nothing more than sleep but I have tons of homework including a quiz I have to take online and I still have to feed my kids, wash my dishes, and do some laundry. Is it even possible? Is this life I've chosen even possible?

Yeah. 'Cause I'm going to get a 4.0, while maintaining a healthy home and retaining employment.

YAY!

Why am I wasting precious time on this blog??? Hasta.

Long Day!

Dropped Anna of at my cousin Jennifer's at 7:45, and set off with my son to his appointment. Got stuck in some very shallow snow. Still can't see why. Finally got out of that. Got lost in my hometown trying to find the highway. Finally got out of that. Then I was going slow because the roads were icy. I was going west, which is good, because eastbound had serious issues. Within about 15 miles, I saw 6 slideoffs, one of which had the car on its side, one of which had the car on its top. Super scary. I saw one guy lying in the snow against a car and I only hope he was conscious, though I can't see how he'd have been there by accident since the car itself had no visible damage. It was weird.

We were late. But they took us in anyway.

Matthias was so sweet and cooperative at first, but he quickly got bored with all the testing. And then he threw a fit or two. And then he refused to cooperate. We were thus there forever. The testing lady told me she often sees behavior like his from daycare kids, and that's why it's important to have a parent at home. Good thing I agree; otherwise that would have been insulting. I explained that I want more than anything to be a stay at home mom but his father left us a year and a half ago and so I have no choice, and I try my best at home to compensate for my kids' loss, to be both mommy and daddy, and that Matthias particularly had a very hard time with his dad's leaving. She became sympathetic and told me I was probably doing a better job than I realize. That was nice to hear.

The testing consisted of questions and directions, some of which Matthias answered and few of which Matthias followed. I think they determined that he simply lacks the ability to stand still for any period of time. I could have told them that. He was very sweet, and the testing lady said he's really cute. I could have told her that too. But sometimes he was defiant and a little rude, which is embarrassing. He'd say "NO!" when the tester asked a question sometimes. Then he'd pause a little and say, more quietly, "no thank you." So cute!

The questions were things like "point to this picture," "point to that body part," "tell me what that story was about," "where is the big blue bunny," "where is the little sad bunny," and such. For four hours.

He really liked the doctor. So did I. We met with her for a little while and she had Matthias run down the hall, which was his favorite part of the day.

The drive home was safer, and all slideoffs had been taken care of.

Then I picked Anna up, who was very very scared because she had her first ever bloody nose without me. Jennifer said it didn't bleed long at all, but she was still shaken about it when I got there. Silly girl. I held her and told her I used to get nosebleeds all the time when I was a little girl.

Then I took the kids to school. Oh my goodness. I needed to buy books. Yesterday, I tried to buy books, and I wanted to know how to buy them with my financial aid money, so I asked the gal at the info desk. She told me I had to go to the cashier's office and ask for my money. Cashiers were closed. She said come back tomorrow. I came back, stood in a forever line for the cahsiers with my kids, the lady looked at me unsmiling and told me I had to have an ICard. A what? She told me where to go.

So we went to the next building, it was windy and cold but the kids were such troopers. I went upstairs to the I-Card (which is a student ID/student cash card) and the big sign said "Must have I Number." Dangit! So now I had to find a computer so I could get my I Number. No computers in the Manwaring Center. So I called Jennifer to see if she'd look it up for me on her computer. Didn't answer. So I called Melanie. Didn't answer. So I called Chris. Answered, but was in a car. So I called home and finally Casey helped me! Yay! I also had him read me the books I needed. He's so great.

So, I-Number in hand, I went to get me an ICard. The girls there were the first poeple behind a counter at the college who didn't look at me funny for bringin two kids with me. That's what I felt like anyway. In fact, they played with the kids while I filled everything out and got my picture taken. BTW, it's a pretty great photo for an ID. :D The girls told me I could buy my books just by using my card and I wouldn't have to go back to the supercilious cashier. Yay!

Bookstore. NIGHTMARE. I'm not the only one who waited till the last minute to get my books. All the used books were out, so I had to get everything new. Still, my total was less than $200 for all my books. Astounding, if you ask me. I was happy, I gave the cashier my brand new ICard, told her to "put it on my account" (how special am I), got my books and finally left. I still had to go to the print shop to buy a syllabus. I'm serious. I had to purchase a syllabus for my religion class. What?

Finally we were done with errands and I took the kids to McDonalds because Anna had a free kids meal from her daycare and she really wanted to use it. And they were so great to just follow me around school from building to building without throwing huge fits about being tired or bored. Then we came home. And I'm ready for bed. :)

And there's my End of Day report.

What Joy

I swear, my kids are the brightest stars in the galaxy.

I went to get them Saturday after our longest separation ever. I knew I missed them. I worried about them and prayed for them daily. I missed them powerfully. But, when I saw them . . . . My joy at our reunion was greater than my sorrow at our separation! Randy and I met at the old Movie Gallery and I could scarcely contain myself when I saw the face of first my son and then my daughter. And then when I held them each again, I couldn't hold in my tears.

I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM I LOVE THEM! They were so excited to see me that they didn't shut up the entire trip, especially Matthias. It was so cute! I said, "I missed you so much that I never want to leave you that long again!" and Anna said, "Don't even do it, Mom." So cute!

These past few days with them have been wonderful. Usually there is an readjustment period when they get home from their Dad's. I expected this adjustment would be more difficult than in the past because of the length of time they were away. But, it really went flawlessly. No breakdowns, no fits of stubborn bed-going refusal, no screams of "BUT I WANT IT!" like normally happens. I think everyone was just really happy to be home together, and they went right back into the routine as if it'd never been broken. What wonderful children I have.

No love exceeds a mother's love. I'm so grateful to be a mother, and I'm so grateful to be a mother to Anna and Matthias, the most amazing children in all the world. I can't imagine a greater, more fuller joy than what they specifically bring me.

When I was about 16, I thought my mother was the greatest. In fact, since I loved no other mortal more powerfully, I was certain that I loved my mother more than she loved me. I couldn't conceive of a greater love than what I felt for her. I told her that a few times, that I loved her more than she loved me. I never meant it as an insult and I hope she never took it that way. And she would always just quietly shake her head like she knew I was wrong. I knew I was right. But now I know that I was so, so wrong. No love exceeds a mother's love. Except only God's love for each of us.

Mushy gushy blah blah. I'm just so happy to have my kids home.

Here's some random pictures, eh.

After about three consecutive days of miserable, conniving snow (my apartment): Good luck getting out, neighbor:
This was during the first snow fall. Took a shot out my windshield at a stoplight. I thought the roads were bad. I had no idea that this was only a mild warning of what's to come:

On Anna's birthday, we went to see Santa. Matthias asked for Handy Manny, and Santa said "what?" Matthias repeated himself, and Santa seemed confused. Clearly, he's going senile. Surely his elves have made thousands of Handy Mannys. I said, "come on, Santa.... You know, that fix it guy on Nickelodeon?" And then he remembered. I was embarrassed for him.

Oh, Matty's holding a pez dispenser because he and Anna both insisted on bringing a toy to show Santa.

Here's Anna, and she wanted to show him her new Barbie. She asked him for a Diamond Castle, which he failed to deliver, much to Anna's disappointment. Darn that Santa.

Chris, Christine, Kaien and Emmy:

Melanie and Aaron:

Jaybo and his girlfriend Shelly. Met her for the first time during Christmas. I dig her:

Mom opening the present I got her and Dad - a collage frame filled with pictures of my family. I think she liked it:

Christmas Eve dinner, the best of all meals. Can't figure out why everyone looks so upset though; the food was fabulous:

Oh Christmas tree, before half the presents were added:

One of my favorite Martin Family staples of Christmas morning, a fire:

Morgan. I don't believe I snapped this shot. With a pen mustache:

Aaron got Melanie the favorite of all gifts. It's called Last Night on Earth: the Zombie Game. Or something like that. Most addictive board game I've ever encountered by a long shot. We all loved it.

School starts Wednesday!

Holy beans. (Incidentally, if you've never tried holy beans, I highly recommend them.) It just sneaked up on me. Wednesday! And I don't even have notebooks. I haven't purchased my text books. I just thought it would never get here, and never leaves a lot of time. Well here it is.

I'm at once psyched, thrilled, terrified, worried, hopeful and inconfident. But mostly I'm excited. However, on Wednesday, the day I have most my classes, I will be unable to attend. Matthias has an exceedingly important appointment in Idaho Falls that day. It's a four hour appointment to start at 8:30. My classes that day begin at 7:45 (at which time I'll be leaving) and end at 11:15. I'm kinda bummed that I'll be missing three first classes. Oh well. I have six total classes. I shall bore you with the details.

Well I'm majoring in Communications, going into Public Relations. Most my desired classes were taken, so I'm taking a lot of required generals. My classes:
Introduction to Communication Major
Science Foundations (UGH. I really wish I'd fulfilled my science requirement at Snow)
Foundations Professional Communication
Family Foundations
World Ideologies in Conflict: Middle East
A Farewell to Art?: Persuasion and Propoganda in the 20th Century

Somehow, all these six difficult sounding classes only equal 12 credits. Um, at Snow College, if I had 6 classes, I had 18 credits. Bleh.

I used to be against Church schools. Not in general, but for me. I just didn't want to be around so many Mormons. I don't easily make friends with Mormons, oddly. And I didn't want to do the trendy thing, of being LDS and attending and LDS school. I've since changed my mind. As I've already been given some assignments for some of my classes, and in completing them, I've realized how excited I am for this Church school! I love that things secular and spiritual are combined, which assuredly will bring more advanced light and truth than any other conceivable combination of ideas, or of learning methods. I'm very excited. I love to learn; I love to know, and I think I'll learn more here at Brigham Young University Idaho than I have at any other institution. Part of that will be because it is now crucial that I learn, so that I can support my family with some degree of stability.

So tomorrow I'll be buying my books. Oh, and my financial aid came through! My tuition and books will be covered! YAY!

Rent, however.... who KNOWS where that will come from! God will figure it out. He always does; hasn't let me down yet. I've never been without a place to live (except that one time in Washington, but it was summer, and I didn't have kids (though I was pregnant), so sleeping in a commercial garage wasn't so bad), and I count that as an enormous blessing, one that never will be repaid. But I'll try. "How can I see another's lack and I not share my glowing fire, my loaf of bread, my roof's safe shelter overhead? That he, too, may be comforted." To try to repay is to share what we have.

Excuse the unintended tangent.

Anyway. God's gotten me this far. He's been with me through each journey; He's gotten me out of pits I dig for myself and jump into. Ooo, another tangent. I hang my work badge on my door because it's the ONLY way I'm sure to remember it. Anna was one day jumping, trying to reach my badge. I told her she better not knock it down because I need it for work. She knocked it down. I told her to put it back up. Now, she's five. She's not five feet. I knew she couldn't reach it; but it's part of life. What we remove, we must replace. She picked up my badge and soon realized she would not be able to put it back up on the slidy lock thing. She said, "I can't do it, Mommy." I said, "well, you knocked it down. It's now your responsibility to put it back up." I then approached her and told her I know she can't reach it, and if she will give me the badge, I'll put it back up for her. She did so, I did so, and she said "Thank you Mommy!" So cute! And as I replaced my badge, I thought, that's what God does for me. I mess up, and I can't fix it by myself. So, if I just give Him what I can't do, after I've done everything I can, he does the rest. Only thanks to the Atonement of Christ. I love when normal, mundane moments in life remind you of principles eternal. So, anyway, I'm sure He won't leave me alone now. What good father would abandon His daughter? I'm excited for the future. I'm really thinking about the future for the first time in my life and I'm excited for it. The future lies waiting to be molded, and I get to choose, to some degree, the shape it takes, the past it makes.

Yay! School!

my kids!

Yay yay yay! I get my kids back today! I haven't seen them since Christmas Eve, and it's been torture. I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

Anna and Matthias, I've missed you so much.

The Dance

One thing is true: I will never do that again.

First, I tried to find the YSA (Young Single Adults for the few of my readers who aren't familiar with LDS terminology) dance. I knew there was one, and I thought it might be in Rexburg, and even though the YSA group is for kids 18 to 30, I thought I'd rather stay in Rexburg than go to Idaho Falls for the SA group, which is for singles 30 and up. I'm kinda looking for a guy in his 30's so the SA dance was initially more appealing. I couldn't find any information for the YSA one. So I got ready. Not a lot to work with, but something like this is the finished product:

I had on a super cute outfit but it's hard to take a picture of your outfit by yourself. I had called my sister for advice on what to wear to these things and she told me jeans. I was happy not to have to dress up.

Alright, so I'm all ready. I drive to Idaho Falls. Find the place with ease. I pull in, and by the entrence I see these people:

I park and cry. I'm severely underdressed. I decided I would stay in my car until I saw someone dressed like me. Then I saw these gals:

Well if they can wear pajamas, I can wear jeans. Yay!

I'm talking myself into getting out of the car when another car parks right next to me to my right. And I mean RIGHT next to me. I think the woman parked ON the line. She then swings her door open and slams it into my car. I may have been a little upset, but this is her:

She shouts, in crazy-little-old-lady accent, "Shorry! Didn't mean to catch yer door!" and then shuffles toward the building.

My "are you serious?":

Oh dear. I text my sister in panic. She replies saying if that's the competition for the guys closer to 30, I'll be pretty popular. Alright. I take a breath and step outside, briefly inspect the passenger door of my car, find no damage in the dark, and walk to the door everyone else is going in because I would be very embarrassed to use the door closest to my car if that's not the thing to do.

First thing I see is this guy:

My mental reaction:
Can you see the trepidation in my eyes? I brave my way into the dance area. I see the crazy old lady who caught my door dancing like it's 1999. She was dancing with or near another similarly aged man. Here's who else was there:

He stared at me for a little while. Also present:

and:

Isn't it cute? They were all over. There were some younger people, too. Like this guy:

and this couple:

They're cute, but you really have to laugh, right? Here's me trying not to:

But, mostly, it was a LOT of these folks:

I can't think of a time I felt more out of place. I did one more walk around, just in case there was any group of people less likely to die of old age any hour, but no such luck. It quickly became hard to breathe in so foreign a surrounding. I made a hasty getaway and sat in my car for a minute thinking about the wasted trip I'd made.