UGH! So there's this guy. I think he's totally perfect and I think I could never ever ever come close to deserving him, but I want to be with him anyway. I've known him for a few years. He's from Nampa, and is now attending BYU-I. He's in one of my classes, and we talk before and after each class period. And that's the extent of our relationship. But I wish it was more. I'm so attracted to his soul that his good looks don't distract me.
His family is amazing. His parents were so wonderful and helpful when Randy left. I LOVE his parents!
He's funny, very smart, very faithful in the LDS church, very gentle and kind. He asks me questions like he cares about the answers. AND I can't stop thinking about him. And it's so annoying. And he said for me to call him if I ever need a babysitter. Just out of the blue offered, like he knows what it's like to be a single mom! He's not so egocentric like a lot of guys are.
The first day I met him, I looked in his eyes and had to immediately look away because of some weird power that I felt. This was a good five years ago. I was married, happily, and he was very young. So I put that strange experience in the back of my mind. And now we're in a class together. What does it mean? Probably nothing. But possibly, hopefully, something.
If he was 30, I would totally tell him how I feel! But, as it is, he's not 30, and there's thousands of younger women who deserve him. It feels like it wouldn't be fair for him to date me. I don't think I'm that bad, but he's that good. On the other hand, I really want to be with someone better than I am because I know I would be inspired to match his goodness in such an arrangement.
Even though he's quite young, he exhibits remarkable maturity, so maybe he's looking for someone a little older? But who looks for a mom, you know? UGH!
Friday, January 23, 2009
VOTE TODAY!
The finalists are up! Man, there are some good ones, and make sure you go to TAMN's site and vote for Melanie!!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
VOTE for Melanie!
My sister is Melanie and I have nominated her for a contest on seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com. She's a finalist!!!!!!! Tomorrow is the day to vote, 1.23.2009, so get on it friends! Vote for my sister! Check out the blog and you'll see what the prizes are on one of her earlier posts. Vote vote vote!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
FHE, Newborns, Fish
For Family Home Evening on Monday, we made Jesus books. I remember when I was a kid, Mom got us a little photo album and we put pictures of Jesus in it so we could have something to look at during the Sacrament service at church, rather than being bored and disruptive. My kids get bored and disruptive at church (and I'm relatively certain mine are the only ones who are sometimes inappropriately loud) so I thought we'd attempt the same thing. We got old church magazines and found pictures of Jesus and cut them out and glued them on the little paper books we made. Anna thought it was pretty fun, but Matthias pretty much threw a fit the entire time. Until pictures. Here's a view of the final product:
He's saying, "look Mommy, that's what we have at church!" or something like that.
Fast forward to yesterday, 1.16. Jennifer (mi prima, who lives in Rexburg, thank goodness I have family here) had her third baby. I watched her kids while she went to deliver a child. Here she is, just about to head out the door. Why can't we all look this good 8 hours before bearing a child?
The kids were being really good playing in the bedroom. I could hear them play, which is a good sign (parents know that too-quiet is dangerous). I decided to see what they were doing. I found the four of them in Jaden and Jenna's closet:
This is just cute. Jenna:
Jaden and Jenna were twirling with the belts:
Today, I took the kids to the hospital to see their new second cousin.
Pizza face
Oh, man, he's beautiful, no? The sweetest little thing. I didn't wanna return him to his mother.
Momma and babe.
There's a fish tank in one corrider of the hospital. Matthias cannot resist stopping at any fish tank. Don't you love his face? I love his face.
Here he is through the tank.
And Anna, who, with her coat and hat, looks like a scuba diver. :)
The End.
He's saying, "look Mommy, that's what we have at church!" or something like that.
Fast forward to yesterday, 1.16. Jennifer (mi prima, who lives in Rexburg, thank goodness I have family here) had her third baby. I watched her kids while she went to deliver a child. Here she is, just about to head out the door. Why can't we all look this good 8 hours before bearing a child?
The kids were being really good playing in the bedroom. I could hear them play, which is a good sign (parents know that too-quiet is dangerous). I decided to see what they were doing. I found the four of them in Jaden and Jenna's closet:
This is just cute. Jenna:
Jaden and Jenna were twirling with the belts:
Today, I took the kids to the hospital to see their new second cousin.
Pizza face
Oh, man, he's beautiful, no? The sweetest little thing. I didn't wanna return him to his mother.
Momma and babe.
There's a fish tank in one corrider of the hospital. Matthias cannot resist stopping at any fish tank. Don't you love his face? I love his face.
Here he is through the tank.
And Anna, who, with her coat and hat, looks like a scuba diver. :)
The End.
The After
Laid off and okay! Scary that I have no income but bills don't stop. BUT, God always takes care of me and I know He won't let me down now. I totally trust that whatever happens now, He'll take care of us. He usually has a plan that I never even conceive of, so I'm excited to see what's coming up next. Of course, I'll be doing everything I can to support myself and my kids.
The few places I've visited are not hiring. The school is even on a hiring freeze. Melaleuca isn't even hiring. But, all is well.
So, I have to tell you a few things Anna has said the past few days that have cracked me up. Yesterday I was babysitting for Jennifer while she gave birth to Jonah Josiah Davis (oh, he is beautiful). Anna and Jennifer's son Jaden were pretending to be bees. Anna said I was a bee too. I said okay. She then tried to attach a popsicle stick to my back. I said ow. She said "I'm giving you your stinger." I said "I don't want a stinger." She said, "Okay, you can be a different species."
What? I swear, my five year old is smarter than I am.
Today, Anna and I were singing and dancing to a song. When the kids were at Randy's for Christmas Break, and I was going NUTS missing them, I learned the song "So Lonely" from the kid movie Seventh Brother. I have the sheet music for it and I realized it totally fit what I was feeling when my kids were gone. So I learned it on the piano and I sang it like a hundred times a day, which only magnified my self pity. :) Anyway, Anna loves it, and sometimes if I start to sing it, Anna will ask me to stop because "it makes the tears come out." My little sensitive darling. So, ANYWAY. Today I was singing it, Anna and I were dancing together, and when I got to the line that says "Someone somwhere hear my pleas . . ." Anna said "Jesus will always hear you. He hears everything." I affirmed her statement. She said, "Yeah, 'cause Jesus gots God ears." God ears? Wha-- Like, how does she come up with this stuff? She's amazing.
Whenever I brag about Anna I feel like I have to brag about Matthias too. Well let's see. Today he's been singing along with Veggietales' Silly Songs with Larry. I love how he loves to sing. He says I Love to See the Temple is his favorite song, and whenever we drive by the Rexburg temple, he gets so so so excited and says, "That's the Rexburg temple!" and sometimes, "I'm going to get married there someday." And my heart swells up with pride. That's right, son. Temple marriage.
Which reminds me about Anna. She's having a hard time at daycare. She doesn't know whom to marry. One day she's going to marry Bowen. The next, it's Tyson. Tyson, Bowen, Tyson, Bowen. Today she said she'll marry Bowen, and then she can marry someone else after. And I told her no, she only gets to marry one person, she can't just change her mind after she's married. I also told her she has plenty of time to choose a husband. It sucks that her mom and dad are horrible examples of marrying only one person. Well, her dad anyway (and he's actually had 3 weddings). I have still only been married to one person. But I do intend to remarry, which sends the loud and clear message that it's okay to get married, then divorced, then married again, even though I tell her once is all she gets. Such are the consequences of a failed marriage wherein children were born.
All because I made a poor choice. Anyone who is dating right now -- CHOOSE WELL! Don't ignore red flags! If he spends four hours with another woman, pays for her dinner and hangs out in her apartment while she cries on his shoulder -- that's a sign. Don't sweep it under the rug. If he's unemployed -- for crying out loud, at least wait till he gets a job. Unless it's 2009 and he got laid off and is trying very hard to find a job. :) If his mother warns you -- RED FLAG! Holy beans. Listen, if something just doesn't seem right, think about your future children. That was another error on my part. I never once thought about my future. I only thought about now. Anyway, I'm full of preachy advice about relationships and I have a lot of hindsight. I'm like a love doctor. Come to me, dear ones, with your relationship troubles, and I will guide you through. :D
The few places I've visited are not hiring. The school is even on a hiring freeze. Melaleuca isn't even hiring. But, all is well.
So, I have to tell you a few things Anna has said the past few days that have cracked me up. Yesterday I was babysitting for Jennifer while she gave birth to Jonah Josiah Davis (oh, he is beautiful). Anna and Jennifer's son Jaden were pretending to be bees. Anna said I was a bee too. I said okay. She then tried to attach a popsicle stick to my back. I said ow. She said "I'm giving you your stinger." I said "I don't want a stinger." She said, "Okay, you can be a different species."
What? I swear, my five year old is smarter than I am.
Today, Anna and I were singing and dancing to a song. When the kids were at Randy's for Christmas Break, and I was going NUTS missing them, I learned the song "So Lonely" from the kid movie Seventh Brother. I have the sheet music for it and I realized it totally fit what I was feeling when my kids were gone. So I learned it on the piano and I sang it like a hundred times a day, which only magnified my self pity. :) Anyway, Anna loves it, and sometimes if I start to sing it, Anna will ask me to stop because "it makes the tears come out." My little sensitive darling. So, ANYWAY. Today I was singing it, Anna and I were dancing together, and when I got to the line that says "Someone somwhere hear my pleas . . ." Anna said "Jesus will always hear you. He hears everything." I affirmed her statement. She said, "Yeah, 'cause Jesus gots God ears." God ears? Wha-- Like, how does she come up with this stuff? She's amazing.
Whenever I brag about Anna I feel like I have to brag about Matthias too. Well let's see. Today he's been singing along with Veggietales' Silly Songs with Larry. I love how he loves to sing. He says I Love to See the Temple is his favorite song, and whenever we drive by the Rexburg temple, he gets so so so excited and says, "That's the Rexburg temple!" and sometimes, "I'm going to get married there someday." And my heart swells up with pride. That's right, son. Temple marriage.
Which reminds me about Anna. She's having a hard time at daycare. She doesn't know whom to marry. One day she's going to marry Bowen. The next, it's Tyson. Tyson, Bowen, Tyson, Bowen. Today she said she'll marry Bowen, and then she can marry someone else after. And I told her no, she only gets to marry one person, she can't just change her mind after she's married. I also told her she has plenty of time to choose a husband. It sucks that her mom and dad are horrible examples of marrying only one person. Well, her dad anyway (and he's actually had 3 weddings). I have still only been married to one person. But I do intend to remarry, which sends the loud and clear message that it's okay to get married, then divorced, then married again, even though I tell her once is all she gets. Such are the consequences of a failed marriage wherein children were born.
All because I made a poor choice. Anyone who is dating right now -- CHOOSE WELL! Don't ignore red flags! If he spends four hours with another woman, pays for her dinner and hangs out in her apartment while she cries on his shoulder -- that's a sign. Don't sweep it under the rug. If he's unemployed -- for crying out loud, at least wait till he gets a job. Unless it's 2009 and he got laid off and is trying very hard to find a job. :) If his mother warns you -- RED FLAG! Holy beans. Listen, if something just doesn't seem right, think about your future children. That was another error on my part. I never once thought about my future. I only thought about now. Anyway, I'm full of preachy advice about relationships and I have a lot of hindsight. I'm like a love doctor. Come to me, dear ones, with your relationship troubles, and I will guide you through. :D
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The End
Had classes today. Three of them; long day. After my last class I trekked to my car and headed to work, as is my routine as of last Wednesday. I clock in and set my coat down, turn on my computer. Suzelle, who sits near me, says, "Daniella!" and I look and she holds up this paper whereupon she's written, "I'm proud of you, you still have a job." I look at her quizically. "Huh?"
"A lot of people don't," she murmured.
Suzanne approaches me and her eyes are squinty. Suzanne's my supervisor. I haven't even sat yet. I know what she's going to tell me. "Derek wants to see you in HR," she says, patting my shoulder.
Thanks to Suzelle, I knew what for. I had some time as I was descending the staircase to try to steel my heart. I walked in to see Derek. "Are you Stephanie?" he asks. I nod. "Stephanie Montano?" I nod. "Have a seat." he shuts the door of his office.
Garth is there, the company president. I doubt that he's ever noticed me before.
Derek proceeds: "As you may be aware, the company has been facing economic challenges. This morning we got the [murmur] to reduce our workforce. Blah blah, mumble mumble, sorry, blah, murmer, lalalalalalalalalalalala meeting tomorrow, burble burble, severence package, lalalalalalalalalalalala, one of 45 employees, sunsa sunsa, blahblahblah, paid for the rest of today. Any questions?"
My interpretation: You Suck. You and 45 other employees have been weighed, measured, and found wanting. We don't need you like we need the other 150 employees. To soften the blow, we'll go ahead and pay you for the rest of your scheduled shift.
Then I went to cry in the bathroom. For a long time. When I thought I was done, I went upstairs to get my coat and keys (I'm allowed to come back tomorrow for the rest of my belongings) and then my darn friends (who still have jobs!) thought it would be nice to say they're sorry and give me hugs. UGH! I wanted to scream at them to leave me alone because I JUST got done crying about it. Don't even talk to me. Talk to me tomorrow when I've had chance to reassure myself. Tomorrow I'll remember that it's all in God's hands; I'll be fine, I always am. Right now, I'm a little scared, so don't touch me. But, women will be women. And really I appreciate it, and really I'd be bummed if no one talked to me about it, but at the time, I just didn't want anyone to talk to me. So I cried some more (I can count on one hand - maybe two - the times I've cried in front of non-family). Suzanne approached me at patted my shoulder and said it wasn't about me. I wanted to replay for her what Derek told me ("You Suck," etc.). She said it was the economy. There's a new one. "It's not you, it's the economy."
I don't mean to be disrespectful to Suzanne; she's a wonderful woman and a really great supervisor. I really like her a lot and certainly don't blame her. I don't blame anyone. It's the economy, right?
Then I walked to my car with my head down and drove away. I didn't know where I was going to go. Do I pick up my kids? I didn't. Do I gather applications? I didn't. I came home to blog. I will also presently print a thousand resumes. The small town of Rexburg is right now a very competitive area for job hunting. 45 people are now looking for jobs, and they've all had since this morning. I came in later due to school. I wonder if there was a mass layoff. Probably. They probably gathered the chosen ones in the meeting room and layed them all off at once.
Guess I'll change my clothes and plaster on a smile and begin my second round in five months of job hunting in Rexburg.
"A lot of people don't," she murmured.
Suzanne approaches me and her eyes are squinty. Suzanne's my supervisor. I haven't even sat yet. I know what she's going to tell me. "Derek wants to see you in HR," she says, patting my shoulder.
Thanks to Suzelle, I knew what for. I had some time as I was descending the staircase to try to steel my heart. I walked in to see Derek. "Are you Stephanie?" he asks. I nod. "Stephanie Montano?" I nod. "Have a seat." he shuts the door of his office.
Garth is there, the company president. I doubt that he's ever noticed me before.
Derek proceeds: "As you may be aware, the company has been facing economic challenges. This morning we got the [murmur] to reduce our workforce. Blah blah, mumble mumble, sorry, blah, murmer, lalalalalalalalalalalala meeting tomorrow, burble burble, severence package, lalalalalalalalalalalala, one of 45 employees, sunsa sunsa, blahblahblah, paid for the rest of today. Any questions?"
My interpretation: You Suck. You and 45 other employees have been weighed, measured, and found wanting. We don't need you like we need the other 150 employees. To soften the blow, we'll go ahead and pay you for the rest of your scheduled shift.
Then I went to cry in the bathroom. For a long time. When I thought I was done, I went upstairs to get my coat and keys (I'm allowed to come back tomorrow for the rest of my belongings) and then my darn friends (who still have jobs!) thought it would be nice to say they're sorry and give me hugs. UGH! I wanted to scream at them to leave me alone because I JUST got done crying about it. Don't even talk to me. Talk to me tomorrow when I've had chance to reassure myself. Tomorrow I'll remember that it's all in God's hands; I'll be fine, I always am. Right now, I'm a little scared, so don't touch me. But, women will be women. And really I appreciate it, and really I'd be bummed if no one talked to me about it, but at the time, I just didn't want anyone to talk to me. So I cried some more (I can count on one hand - maybe two - the times I've cried in front of non-family). Suzanne approached me at patted my shoulder and said it wasn't about me. I wanted to replay for her what Derek told me ("You Suck," etc.). She said it was the economy. There's a new one. "It's not you, it's the economy."
I don't mean to be disrespectful to Suzanne; she's a wonderful woman and a really great supervisor. I really like her a lot and certainly don't blame her. I don't blame anyone. It's the economy, right?
Then I walked to my car with my head down and drove away. I didn't know where I was going to go. Do I pick up my kids? I didn't. Do I gather applications? I didn't. I came home to blog. I will also presently print a thousand resumes. The small town of Rexburg is right now a very competitive area for job hunting. 45 people are now looking for jobs, and they've all had since this morning. I came in later due to school. I wonder if there was a mass layoff. Probably. They probably gathered the chosen ones in the meeting room and layed them all off at once.
Guess I'll change my clothes and plaster on a smile and begin my second round in five months of job hunting in Rexburg.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
The Prayer of a Child
Kids can sure break your heart. Yesterday Anna said, "I wish I had a daddy named Randy in Rexburg." She makes such comments from time to time.
I emphatically hate that my kids have to live this part of their life in a single parent home. It is not ideal. It is not fair to them. They did nothing to deserve it. They get to be raised by daycares who can't offer them the full attention they need and deserve, by kind and qualified providers who can never love my children like I do. Now that I have school, the kids are in daycare for 10 hours two days a week. The other days are about 8 hours. I just keep telling myself that in a few years, it will all be worth it, when I have enough knowledge to make enough money to support my family in minimal hours. But for now, it's really hard. My kids are such such troopers. They never complain about their lot. Sadly, the don't know any different.
And then, in her prayer last night, she said "Please bless I'll get a new daddy in Rexburg."
I say the same prayer every night, with somewhat different wording. :)
Poor girl. She misses having both a mommy and a daddy, at the same time. Breaks my heart that it bugs her so bad. Breaks my heart that I can do nothing about it. Can't go back in time and change things, you know.
What do I say to her to comfort her? I did tell her that I think I'll find a husband who will take care of all of us. She said it's taking too long. Tell me about it. I told her that sometimes Heavenly Father wants us to wait a long time so we can be sure to get the best thing. Maybe it's taking so long because God is making sure He's picking the best possible man for us, I told her.
Well, it's a nice thought. :)
I emphatically hate that my kids have to live this part of their life in a single parent home. It is not ideal. It is not fair to them. They did nothing to deserve it. They get to be raised by daycares who can't offer them the full attention they need and deserve, by kind and qualified providers who can never love my children like I do. Now that I have school, the kids are in daycare for 10 hours two days a week. The other days are about 8 hours. I just keep telling myself that in a few years, it will all be worth it, when I have enough knowledge to make enough money to support my family in minimal hours. But for now, it's really hard. My kids are such such troopers. They never complain about their lot. Sadly, the don't know any different.
And then, in her prayer last night, she said "Please bless I'll get a new daddy in Rexburg."
I say the same prayer every night, with somewhat different wording. :)
Poor girl. She misses having both a mommy and a daddy, at the same time. Breaks my heart that it bugs her so bad. Breaks my heart that I can do nothing about it. Can't go back in time and change things, you know.
What do I say to her to comfort her? I did tell her that I think I'll find a husband who will take care of all of us. She said it's taking too long. Tell me about it. I told her that sometimes Heavenly Father wants us to wait a long time so we can be sure to get the best thing. Maybe it's taking so long because God is making sure He's picking the best possible man for us, I told her.
Well, it's a nice thought. :)
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