Thursday, January 20, 2011

Post Script

Lately, friends, I have felt like I'm on top of the world. There are many reasons for this. I feel like everything is going my way. I feel like there is finally some order in my life. I feel loved and important for the first time that I can remember. I didn't even realize I felt unimportant until last year or so. But God thinks I'm important. Important enough to save. So. I am.

Things are going better with my family. I'm lighter. Remember how depressed I used to be? I was so depressed! I was so down! I was on anti-depressants for crying out loud! By the way, I will never again question the usefulness of such medication. For the short time I was on citalopram, I was able to focus on stuff that wasn't super dark. I won't even tell you how dark. The meds got me to a point where I realized I'd rather be happy than sad. And so I was able to make better choices.

Anyway. I look back and I can scarcely believe that girl and me are the same person. The difference between now and then is stark to say the least! It wasn't even that long ago. I was still taking the drugs when I moved back to Nampa.

I've been trying very hard to saturate myself with the Spirit of God. It has been a long and difficult process. Difficult because change is difficult. But, my goodness, FOR WHAT WAS I WAITING? I feel so great. There are still so many things dragging me down, so many opportunities for me to hide beneath a mask of constant despair. And sometimes, I'm tempted to go there again. I can't identify why that is. Sometimes, I visit that place briefly. But I hate it there now and I never stay long. I feel like I'm still just outside, though, like my journey of happiness has just begun, and there is so much more ahead of me.

I was talking to my sister about my change of attitude. It was strange, I told her. I didn't understand why I felt this way, why do I feel so good? I have wondered if maybe I'm bipolar, because it seems like a cycle, like I was so very very down for so very very long, and it feels like I've been slowly cycling out of that period. Kinda like: down, down, down, down, UP, down, down, down, UP, down, down UP, UP, down, UP, UP, UP, down, UP! get it? So I thought maybe I was coming out of a depressive state and moving to a manic one. I was telling Melanie how odd it is that I feel so great, but if I was manic, then wouldn't I be more impulsive? Wouldn't I have a hard time sleeping? So while I'm trying to diagnose my strange good feelings, Melanie says, "or maybe you're just happy."


You think? Yeah! Yeah, that's it! I'm not sick, I'm just happy! I LOVE BEING HAPPY!


Laura Amador said...

Just stumbled upon your blog this morning. Keep up the great attitude! I love your son's name btw! God Bless!

Anonymous said...

I love that you are in a happier state. Keep it up. I think you are happier because you are feeling the spirit more often.