Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Gracious

The thing is, I want to be smarter than everyone else. B's aren't smarter than everyone else.

Well this morning I skipped my Public Speaking final! It was awful. I lost my car key. I turned my house upsidedown searching for that key, for an hour. Nothing. So. I didn't take my final. I'll still pass the class. But the grade won't be pretty. :(

My cousin gave us rides. Took the kids to daycare and myself to campus. In about five minutes, I'll be off to take another test. I'll rejoice if I even get a B.

I want to be married. I want a traditional home where Daddy works and Mommy stays home. I want plenty of money to survive on and to share. I want to be the cute little wifey who cleans and cooks and even dusts. I want to bake bread, can, and have a garden and fruit trees. I want a husband who mows the lawn and changes lightbulbs and fixes the dryer and changes the oil and locks the door at night. I want a husband who is the head of the household, the leader, THE MAN, for whom I'll have dinner waiting. And he'll thank me for dinner. I don't want to work. I hate working. I hate leaving my kids with someone else. It feels so wrong and backward. And yet, it is my destiny.

I don't necessarily regret my current state. If I was married, I wouldn't be a fulltime student. I love being a student. I want to be "educated" and I'm grateful for this opportunity. I'm experiencing what it's like to be wholly responsible for a family. So, when (IF) I do remarry, I will appreciate my husband's role as provider that much more. I know what it's like to come home after a long day. I know the joy of kids running to see you when you walk in the door, and how wonderful it would be to be likewise greeted by a spouse. I know how great it would be to have dinner ready for me then, and a foot or back rub to ease the stress of the day. I want a man to give that to. Maybe he's somewhere learning what it's like to be a mother, and he'll appreciate me all the more for it, andhe'll give me a back or foot rub after dinner to ease the stress of a long day.

Dreams.

History test, here I come.

1 comment:

HappyClimate said...

Hey, I am sorry that you are in this situation but like you said there is always a positive to counteract the negative. I hope that you find that amazing man who makes you so happy! Sorry about the final, I can definitely relate to loosing keys!