Actually, my body is covered in fat. I carry several unwanted, unneeded, unhealthy pounds on my frame. I could lose a LOT of weight, to be sure. And I want to. And, I will. I do have to buy XL clothing, sometimes bigger. Due to my size, I'm limited by certain activities. It's awkward and embarrassing sometimes being my size. But, I'm not fat.
I'm a woman; I'm not fat.
I'm creative; I'm not fat.
I'm a hard worker. Not fat.
I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Not fat.
I'm a soul. Not fat.
I'm a Christian. Not fat.
Do you get it? I'm NOT fat.
I'm a mother; I'm not fat
I'm a daughter, a sister, a neighbor; I'm not fat.
I'm a friend,
I'm a learner
I'm a daughter of God.
I'm not fat.
But I AM human
I AM imperfect
I AM respectful, respectable, worthy of love.
I AM intelligent
I AM compassionate
I AM important
I AM special, valuable, meaningful.
Don't you see?
I'm not fat.
I AM NOT fat.
Fat is not who I am. Fat does not define me. Fat doesn't matter. I matter. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm me!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Matthias' Kindergarten graduation!
On May 24, 2011, Matthias graduated from Kindergarten! He was soooo cute. I remembered to bring my camera, but forgot to put the battery in it after it had charged, so I had to use my iPhone and got some really lousy shots. But they're better than nothing! Here he is before we went inside, standing outside the school and looking cute and goofy:
Matthias's dad said he'd be there, but he says that a lot and doesn't show up. So I was trying to, as politely as possible, tell Matthias that his Dad might get busy and don't be too upset if he doesn't show. Well his dad DID come! I was floored! How wonderful! I was so happy for Matthias. I got this shot of Matthias as he was walking in with his class. This is him saying "Daddy really DID come, Mom!"
The program was super cute. The Kindergarten Graduates sang patriotic songs and did a great job. Matthias really loves to sing. But when his class was waiting for the other classes to get their certificates, he was restless and noisy. I LOVE this shot of him talking intently to the suuuper cute girl who was sitting next to him. Of course, you can barely see him, but it's still adorable.
Matthias' class was actually the first class to "walk." Here he is (horrible shot!!!! Dang camera! Plus my iPhone camera skillz are lousy) receiving his certificate from his teacher, Mrs. Glasco:
And posing for photos afterward. Kicking myself for leaving my camera battery home. Grrr.
After the ceremony, parents were invited into Mrs. Glassco's classroom to gather their kids' belongings and get pictures. Here's Matthias sitting for the last time at his table:
And with his awesome teacher, Mrs. Glassco:
Proof that his daddy really DID come!
Also present were: my mother (she left before I could get a picture with her), Matthias's grandpa EJ and Matthias's stepsister, Shelbi. After the graduation, I took Matthias out for icecream. But first, we came home and I got some shots of him in our backyard with a real camera. For your viewing pleasure, the many faces of Matthias:
Doesn't his cuteness make you love him? I LOVE HIM!
Matthias's dad said he'd be there, but he says that a lot and doesn't show up. So I was trying to, as politely as possible, tell Matthias that his Dad might get busy and don't be too upset if he doesn't show. Well his dad DID come! I was floored! How wonderful! I was so happy for Matthias. I got this shot of Matthias as he was walking in with his class. This is him saying "Daddy really DID come, Mom!"
The program was super cute. The Kindergarten Graduates sang patriotic songs and did a great job. Matthias really loves to sing. But when his class was waiting for the other classes to get their certificates, he was restless and noisy. I LOVE this shot of him talking intently to the suuuper cute girl who was sitting next to him. Of course, you can barely see him, but it's still adorable.
Matthias' class was actually the first class to "walk." Here he is (horrible shot!!!! Dang camera! Plus my iPhone camera skillz are lousy) receiving his certificate from his teacher, Mrs. Glasco:
And posing for photos afterward. Kicking myself for leaving my camera battery home. Grrr.
After the ceremony, parents were invited into Mrs. Glassco's classroom to gather their kids' belongings and get pictures. Here's Matthias sitting for the last time at his table:
And with his awesome teacher, Mrs. Glassco:
Proof that his daddy really DID come!
Also present were: my mother (she left before I could get a picture with her), Matthias's grandpa EJ and Matthias's stepsister, Shelbi. After the graduation, I took Matthias out for icecream. But first, we came home and I got some shots of him in our backyard with a real camera. For your viewing pleasure, the many faces of Matthias:
Doesn't his cuteness make you love him? I LOVE HIM!
More pictures
Atticus Finch and Anna at bedtime. Anna loves when he sleeps with her. He usually starts out there but always comes to bed with me when I go to bed. Awww.
At the park on, like, the first and one of the few warm days this Spring! Anna making friends, as usual, with everyone.
I can't stand how cute he is.
Little poser. And I only mean that in the literal sense.
Ahh! He's soooo cute!
At the park on, like, the first and one of the few warm days this Spring! Anna making friends, as usual, with everyone.
I can't stand how cute he is.
Little poser. And I only mean that in the literal sense.
Ahh! He's soooo cute!
pictures
because it's been so long since I posted pictures. Thanks, Mel, for the great Christmas present! (a camera)
Here's cute Anna on March 2nd (pajama day at school). Matthias and I went to eat lunch with her at school
March 2nd also, which is Matthias' birthday. I love Anna laughing here. I should crop this photo so she's a cute close-up. Yep, that's my couch. It's so ugly but sooo comfy. I try to hide the ugliness with a sheet. :)
Happy birthday, boychild! He's 6 now. :(
This cracks me up! I told him to show off his missing tooth and this was his face!
Our new dog, Atticus Finch.
Here's cute Anna on March 2nd (pajama day at school). Matthias and I went to eat lunch with her at school
March 2nd also, which is Matthias' birthday. I love Anna laughing here. I should crop this photo so she's a cute close-up. Yep, that's my couch. It's so ugly but sooo comfy. I try to hide the ugliness with a sheet. :)
Happy birthday, boychild! He's 6 now. :(
This cracks me up! I told him to show off his missing tooth and this was his face!
Our new dog, Atticus Finch.
Monday, May 9, 2011
The Truth about Rexburg
I've been meaning to write this post since this whine fest. You remember, the one where I whined about my friend unfriending me from Facebook. Haha. I laugh at myself now, but it was pretty real to me then.
Mostly, I wish to undo this lie, and I quote myself: "Thank goodness for my dearest friend Eileen. If not for her, I'm pretty sure Rexburg would be the biggest waste of my life to date."
I love Eileen. She recently graduated. I was so proud of her! I went Rexburg to visit her and see her graduate.
It's true. Eileen was a very bright spot of my life in Rexburg. She is a woman of unconditional love. She rescued me many a time when I needed transportation for my kids, or food, or a soundboard. She was wonderful. I count her among my dearest friends. She still IS wonderful, by the way. We talk on the phone and on Facebook and she never stops loving me when I fail to call her for several weeks in a row. Without her, my life in Rexburg would have been even darker. True.
However.
While my 2 years in Rexburg was a series of trials, it was NOT a waste of my life. Quite the contrary. While my 2 years in Rexburg felt like 2 years in Hell, it was actually more like a training camp, without which I couldn't have become the person I will become. While it was easy to focus on my constant lack of money, on my loneliness, on my legal problems with my ex, on the stress of full time studenthood, full time motherhood, and full time (sometimes part time) employment, I can now look back on those years with humility and gratitude that my wise and loving Father in Heaven gave me a trial so custom-made to fit my exact needs, that would bring me closer to salvation. In Rexburg, I experienced my first (and I pray it was my last) lay-off. In Rexburg, I couldn't ask Dad to come over and fix my computer or my garbage disposal. In Rexburg, I had to ask near strangers for help and that was humiliating! In Rexburg, I suffered poverty so severe that by all calculations, I should have been living on the streets. I should have starved. I should have lost my phone, my internet, my car, my electricity, my very home. I'm going to tell you, I made $8000 in 2009. $8000!! In a WHOLE YEAR! That's a little embarrassing, so I hesitate to admit it, but it wasn't for lack of trying, I promise you that. $8000 income. YES, that's an enormous trial!
Wait. Back up. I made $8000 in 2009 and I KEPT my apartment? And I didn't starve? And my kids didn't even know that we were exceedingly poor? And we weren't dressed in rags? And I dared call that a burden? I'll tell you what that was- that was a blessing of enormous proportions!
I didn't fail a single class. In fact, I got mostly A's and B's while I was there. What?
Let me tell you about Jennifer.
Mi prima bonita! Jennifer saved my life pretty much every single day while I lived in Rexburg. She is my cousin. Her husband was a student at BYU-I as well and even though she was a very busy SAHM of three young kids, she never turned down a request to babysit so I could just get this paper done, or that assignment ready, or anything. She is so filled with love and compassion that it spills over onto everyone she meets. Especially me, at that time. She had trials of her own, very challenging trials, but even though I was blind to hers, she was not blind to mine. Largely because of her generosity, her desire to help and serve, her limitless compassion, I got through Rexburg. Without her, there's a good chance I would have destroyed myself. I may have buried myself and never exposed myself to the world again. She saved me, every day. Until the devastating day she moved to Alaska. I cried for long time. I only hope someone can be to her now what she was to me then. Dear Jennifer, I love you so much, and I often think of how you saved me and my sweet kids. Never will I be able to repay you. I thank you, I thank you, I thank you. (I'm crying right now, thinking about your godliness!)
Aside from two very wonderful women who taught me love, I also was blessed with a very wonderful bishop who taught me love. My children taught me love and forgiveness. I was grouchy, I was depressed, I was sometimes mean to those sweet little angels. They never held it against me. I had home teachers who taught me love, and visiting teachers who taught me love, and classmates, strangers, professors, and grocery cashiers who taught me love. I had my kids' daycare providers who taught me love.
I interrupt this program to bring you a very important message.
Apple Tree Learning Center in Rexburg, Idaho, is THE BEST daycare center in all of Rexburg, easily. Probably the best in all of Idaho. I tried every daycare center in Rexburg and one home daycare, and Apple Tree is about 100% better than the 2nd best daycare in Rexburg. I love them. My kids loved them.
Okay, back to your regularly scheduled program.
So, anyway. I was surrounded by love. I was never alone. There was even a time when my pad was the happenin' place to be. I had movie night every Tuesday with several friends at my place! What about that is me-ish? 8 or 9 people would show up every week and we'd either watch a flick or play games or nearly burn down my apartment (that's another post). Even now, that seems totally weird. I'd never done that before and there's a good chance I'll never do it again. But, the point is, I was growing.
In fact, that's one of the points of Rexburg. Enormous personal growth. The other point is love. I learned so much about love, and people, and relationships, and connection, and love in those two years. I learned that it is important and maybe vital to be connected to other humans. Well, connection is unavoidable. We ARE connected. To participate in that connection is to live. I still have a ways to go on that lesson, but I couldn't have learned it if I'd stayed in Nampa. I was stuck here. God took me out of this place and planted me somewhere freezing and foreign, and made me start new, and nothing was better for me. I was broken in Rexburg, diminished, humiliated, and crushed, and that's exactly what I needed. Because I am still rebuilding my heart, but this time I'm doing it with God. I'm nearly certain He sent me to Rexburg to destroy me. I was so proud. But as I step back now and see what is rising from the ashes of the rubble and debris created by my time in Rexburg, I can see God's point. I can see how He loves me. It was all for my benefit. He destroyed the prideful, stone-hearted me in order to create something much, much better.
And after He cut me down, He gave me countless lessons about love. Love is what builds us up. Love is how we share God. Love is an investment that is exponentially returned. Maybe not always with a specific person. We all have times when we give someone more love than they give us. And vice versa. But the more love we give, in general, the more love comes to us. Love is God. When I feel the Love of God, I know that everything will be okay. There is nothing better in all the worlds than God's love. As I share love with God's children, He gives His love to me.
And that's the truth about Rexburg.
Mostly, I wish to undo this lie, and I quote myself: "Thank goodness for my dearest friend Eileen. If not for her, I'm pretty sure Rexburg would be the biggest waste of my life to date."
I love Eileen. She recently graduated. I was so proud of her! I went Rexburg to visit her and see her graduate.
It's true. Eileen was a very bright spot of my life in Rexburg. She is a woman of unconditional love. She rescued me many a time when I needed transportation for my kids, or food, or a soundboard. She was wonderful. I count her among my dearest friends. She still IS wonderful, by the way. We talk on the phone and on Facebook and she never stops loving me when I fail to call her for several weeks in a row. Without her, my life in Rexburg would have been even darker. True.However.
While my 2 years in Rexburg was a series of trials, it was NOT a waste of my life. Quite the contrary. While my 2 years in Rexburg felt like 2 years in Hell, it was actually more like a training camp, without which I couldn't have become the person I will become. While it was easy to focus on my constant lack of money, on my loneliness, on my legal problems with my ex, on the stress of full time studenthood, full time motherhood, and full time (sometimes part time) employment, I can now look back on those years with humility and gratitude that my wise and loving Father in Heaven gave me a trial so custom-made to fit my exact needs, that would bring me closer to salvation. In Rexburg, I experienced my first (and I pray it was my last) lay-off. In Rexburg, I couldn't ask Dad to come over and fix my computer or my garbage disposal. In Rexburg, I had to ask near strangers for help and that was humiliating! In Rexburg, I suffered poverty so severe that by all calculations, I should have been living on the streets. I should have starved. I should have lost my phone, my internet, my car, my electricity, my very home. I'm going to tell you, I made $8000 in 2009. $8000!! In a WHOLE YEAR! That's a little embarrassing, so I hesitate to admit it, but it wasn't for lack of trying, I promise you that. $8000 income. YES, that's an enormous trial!
Wait. Back up. I made $8000 in 2009 and I KEPT my apartment? And I didn't starve? And my kids didn't even know that we were exceedingly poor? And we weren't dressed in rags? And I dared call that a burden? I'll tell you what that was- that was a blessing of enormous proportions!
I didn't fail a single class. In fact, I got mostly A's and B's while I was there. What?
Let me tell you about Jennifer.
Mi prima bonita! Jennifer saved my life pretty much every single day while I lived in Rexburg. She is my cousin. Her husband was a student at BYU-I as well and even though she was a very busy SAHM of three young kids, she never turned down a request to babysit so I could just get this paper done, or that assignment ready, or anything. She is so filled with love and compassion that it spills over onto everyone she meets. Especially me, at that time. She had trials of her own, very challenging trials, but even though I was blind to hers, she was not blind to mine. Largely because of her generosity, her desire to help and serve, her limitless compassion, I got through Rexburg. Without her, there's a good chance I would have destroyed myself. I may have buried myself and never exposed myself to the world again. She saved me, every day. Until the devastating day she moved to Alaska. I cried for long time. I only hope someone can be to her now what she was to me then. Dear Jennifer, I love you so much, and I often think of how you saved me and my sweet kids. Never will I be able to repay you. I thank you, I thank you, I thank you. (I'm crying right now, thinking about your godliness!)
Aside from two very wonderful women who taught me love, I also was blessed with a very wonderful bishop who taught me love. My children taught me love and forgiveness. I was grouchy, I was depressed, I was sometimes mean to those sweet little angels. They never held it against me. I had home teachers who taught me love, and visiting teachers who taught me love, and classmates, strangers, professors, and grocery cashiers who taught me love. I had my kids' daycare providers who taught me love.
I interrupt this program to bring you a very important message.
Apple Tree Learning Center in Rexburg, Idaho, is THE BEST daycare center in all of Rexburg, easily. Probably the best in all of Idaho. I tried every daycare center in Rexburg and one home daycare, and Apple Tree is about 100% better than the 2nd best daycare in Rexburg. I love them. My kids loved them.
Okay, back to your regularly scheduled program.
So, anyway. I was surrounded by love. I was never alone. There was even a time when my pad was the happenin' place to be. I had movie night every Tuesday with several friends at my place! What about that is me-ish? 8 or 9 people would show up every week and we'd either watch a flick or play games or nearly burn down my apartment (that's another post). Even now, that seems totally weird. I'd never done that before and there's a good chance I'll never do it again. But, the point is, I was growing.
In fact, that's one of the points of Rexburg. Enormous personal growth. The other point is love. I learned so much about love, and people, and relationships, and connection, and love in those two years. I learned that it is important and maybe vital to be connected to other humans. Well, connection is unavoidable. We ARE connected. To participate in that connection is to live. I still have a ways to go on that lesson, but I couldn't have learned it if I'd stayed in Nampa. I was stuck here. God took me out of this place and planted me somewhere freezing and foreign, and made me start new, and nothing was better for me. I was broken in Rexburg, diminished, humiliated, and crushed, and that's exactly what I needed. Because I am still rebuilding my heart, but this time I'm doing it with God. I'm nearly certain He sent me to Rexburg to destroy me. I was so proud. But as I step back now and see what is rising from the ashes of the rubble and debris created by my time in Rexburg, I can see God's point. I can see how He loves me. It was all for my benefit. He destroyed the prideful, stone-hearted me in order to create something much, much better.
And after He cut me down, He gave me countless lessons about love. Love is what builds us up. Love is how we share God. Love is an investment that is exponentially returned. Maybe not always with a specific person. We all have times when we give someone more love than they give us. And vice versa. But the more love we give, in general, the more love comes to us. Love is God. When I feel the Love of God, I know that everything will be okay. There is nothing better in all the worlds than God's love. As I share love with God's children, He gives His love to me.
And that's the truth about Rexburg.
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