Education Story

And on this day, May 12, 2012, I am a College of Western Idaho graduate. A graduate! Me! I graduated!! I have a Professional Technical Certificate in Medical Administrative Support. And I graduated.

I began my higher education at Snow College in Ephraim, Utah in 2000. For the first time in over four years, I went to classes in classrooms. I had been home-taught during grades 10-12. Before that, I attended private schools, and before that, I was homeschooled following kindergarten and 1st Grade, when I attended Bennion Elementary School in Bennion, UT.

Snow College was, at first, a terrifying and greatly exciting time for me. The terror quickly faded and I loved my time in the classroom. I loved everything about school. I loved the freedom, the homework, the learning, the tests, the finals, even. I loved the professors and the students. I loved my roommates. I loved that I made the Dean's List every semester I was there. I loved the smell of campus and the taste of A's. I loved Ephraim. I loved the Spirit of Snow College.

I naturally chose English as my major. I love words, and since Kindergarten, I've dreamed of being a writer. So, English major it was. I intended to get my associates at Snow and then continue onto a Master's degree from USU. In addition to wanting to be a writer, I also wanted to be a professor.

But, things don't usually happen as planned, and due to circumstances I need not discuss here, I dropped out after a year of school. It was a very difficult and sorrowful decision, but I still know it was the best one. I moved back home to Nampa with my parents and started working at Blockbuster Video. The following Fall, I started school again at Boise State. I did poorly that semester, because I met and fell in love with my ex husband, Randy. All I could think about was him. He asked me to marry him in November, and I said yes of course, so I didn't return to school the next semester, but got married in March of 2003.

Then happened the whole marriage fiasco.... Oh, and two fantastic kids. :)  When the divorce began in 2007, I knew I'd need something better for my kids. I moved to Rexburg in 2008 and started school in January 2009 at BYU-Idaho. I knew that I needed to change my major because I didn't want to be in school for the next 6 years trying to get a master's degree in English, and I knew that a bachelor's in English was about as good as a GED. I changed my major to Communications with Public Relations focus, because that way I'd still get to write.

It was so great to be back in the classroom again, but it was so different as a mom. I had to work out daycare and work and homework and housework and I had to fit feeding my kids somewhere in my schedule. They were 5 and 4, still so young. I was driving back to Nampa every other weekend for my ex's visitation. Every month was a huge financial struggle because I wasn't using student loans. And I was going through an insane custody battle with my ex. I was in Rexburg 2 years, 2 very dark and trying years, the most trying of my life. And so in the middle of my 3rd semester, April of 2010, I'd had enough. I was burned out, deflated, depressed. I couldn't take another day of school. I interviewed for a job in Meridian and I got it, and I moved home about one second after my two weeks' notice with my employers was complete. I never wanted to see another text book again.

That didn't last long. The very next year, I applied at CWI, and was accepted. I didn't attend that year because I focused, instead, on buying my house. The following Fall, last year, I began again my education. But I knew I wasn't going to finish a degree. The very idea was too daunting to undertake. I singed up for the Medical Administrative Support program, wanting to get a better job than the one I had, and return to school several years later when the kids are older.

And now.... I'm a graduate! This education train ride has paused for a time. I'm done with school for a while with both thrills and saddens me. To me, this graduation of a professional program means so much more than one year of school. To me, it represent the blood, sweat, and tears of education that began 12 years ago. To me, it's a testimony that I can do anything I want to do. To me, it's an example to my children, and of what I want for them. It's a representation of my love and dedication to them, my sweet, sweet angels. To me, it's a reminder that God is always with me. Look where He's taken me now!

Today is a very, very special day for me. Yes, I'm proud of myself. I'm so grateful to God for this beautiful opportunity, and for helping me through school. Today, I FINISHED something that I started. Today is the best day of my life, and today is the first day of the rest of my life! (I totally just now made up that phrase. Never been used before, nope.)

Tomorrow I will write about the graduation itself, because, my goodness, do I ever have some stories. :)

Lonely Vent

I decided that admitting that I am lonely is not necessarily desperate.

So. I'm lonely.

Things have been happening lately, things that remind me of just how much it sucks to be single. Don't get me wrong; I'm not unhappy. Don't get me wrong; singleness certainly has its perks. But when you compare the best parts of being single to the best parts of being married-- well, the difference is vast.

My sister has been single for like a year and now she's already got this boyfriend and they're in love and they'll probably get married and have more kids and have someone to come home to every day, someone to be with every day, someone to love every day. I'm happy for her. I know she loves him. I'm so happy she has someone to love.

One of my old crushes just got married. He's a great guy and deserves to be happy and I'm happy for him, but I'm so bummed that he's out of the picture for me now.

Another of my old crushes is getting married. I'm so happy for him. He has been single for many years and now he's finally getting the happiness he deserves.

I had dinner with a friend and his wife and they've been married for over 5 years and they love each other, they were acting like newlyweds almost, like they weren't even almost sick of each other. They are so happy together.

My kids keep talking about getting a new daddy. They want me to be a stay at home mom! They want to have a daddy in the house. And they talk about it. They even pray for it.

I met this guy, and I really liked him. And there was a moment that I thought maybe something better, something great could come out of this. But we're not meant to be right now, and that's fine, but you know when you have a crush and your crush has a crush on you and it just feels so good? And it's so much fun and you can't help but hope that maybe this is it. I knew it wasn't but I hoped it was. I don't hope that anymore because reality came along, and I'm okay with reality, I'm okay with not having a relationship with this awesome guy, really I am. In fact, I have so many issues right now that I can't fathom being ready for a relationship at all. Yet.

BUT. All these experiences have brought to my immediate awareness that I miss being in love. I long to be in a mutually loving and respectful relationship. I want, so deeply, to be cherished. By a man, a wonderful man.

I've been single nearly five years. If someone would have told me during my divorce that I'd be single five years, I would have been devastated. I wouldn't have been able to hope as I did then. I wouldn't have been able to see as I did then. It would have seemed far too long for me to handle. But I've done it, with God's grace, I've done it. And I can make it another five years. Because no matter how much it sucks to be single, it's never as bad as being in a lousy marriage. I won't do that again. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than be married to someone like Randy for a day.

In some ways, I feel so ready for marriage. I really want my kids to have a positive male roll model in their lives. I am so much more mature in most ways than I was when I was married. I know that I'd be a better wife now than I ever was before. But in other ways.... I just have too much to work on. I have too much that I don't want to take into a marriage with me. I am too fat! I can't even imagine dating while I've got all this weight on me. I'm constantly aware of my weight. I'm always thinking that all the guys must think I'm undateable because of it. It hasn't bothered me as much as it does now. I don't like how much it's on my mind lately. I'm trying to lose weight but nothing's really happening despite my efforts. And I can't help but think, "Who wants to marry a fat girl?" I'll never have a relationship again with that attitude.

I'm really quite sick of this. I'm sick of being the good girl, just sitting and waiting for some great guy to rescue her. I'm sick of parenting by myself. I'm sick of making decisions by myself. I'm sick of doing this life without a partner to share it with. 

Anna's Baptism

Yesterday, January 7th, 2012, my little girl was baptized.

The baptism was at 10:00 a.m. so we woke and started getting ready right away. Anna made sure to eat breakfast before changing into her white dress. Matthias was very good and didn't even throw a fit about getting dressed like he usually does. Everyone was excited. We were supposed to be 15 to 30 minutes early so I decided we'd leave the house at 9:30. The church is very close.

I did Anna's hair and curled her bangs and cleaned the house because we were having people over afterword for a lunch. At 9:25, I told the kids it was about time to go and they came to me and Anna had red Halloween makeup smeared in several places on her beautiful, expensive-ish white dress! I freaked out a bit. I didn't yell but I just said "Anna! Your dress! What were you thinking?!" and she still maintains that she has no idea how it got all over her dress. The day before, our new little puppy Scout

had gotten into the Halloween makeup, just the stick of red, and had chewed it up all over the carpet in front of the bathroom. It was also all over the bathroom floor. I think that somehow, the dress met the floor and that's how the disaster happened. I was so upset about the dress. I tried cleaning it with cold water but it wasn't working too well and we were already later than I'd wanted to be. So I wanted the kids to get together for a quick picture and they did and that's when I saw that Matthias had wet his pants. Are you kidding me? So I had to find him a clean pair of pants and calm him down because he always gets upset when he gets caught and oh my goodness. Then they got together for a picture.

all cute as if everything was perfect. The red is at the bottom of her skirt so you can't see it. And here's one of just the princess:

if you look very close, you can see the makeup. There's more on the other side that the picture doesn't show. But. Isn't she radiant?

So then we left to the church. The roads were covered in a light dusting of snow. That was kinda special because we haven't really had any snow this year. Yesterday's snowfall doesn't really count either, but it was special, I thought, that the roads were covered in white on Anna's baptism day.

We arrived and someone from the Stake immediately helped us figure out what to do and where to go. We went to the dressing room and found a jumper thing that would fit Anna and she changed into it.

There were five or six kids getting baptized that day. The children and their fathers met in a classroom just to go over the order of the baptisms, and all the dads practiced the baptism with the kids. I was the only woman in there! I think I was invited because Anna wasn't getting baptized by her father, and so I was there to be her parent. My brother Chris was there too since he's the one who baptized Anna. I enjoyed watching Anna practice with Chris. We were all then dismissed back to the chapel. Before we got there, I snapped this wonderful photo:

I love them!

Then we went to the chapel and Mom was just arriving. The baptism service was to begin in 10 minutes, so I rushed Mom to the dressing room to show her Anna's dress. She brought her bleach pen at my request, and while she saved the day and went to work on Anna's dress, I ran out to the car to grab the bag with Anna's towel and change of underwear, etc, that we'd left in the car. I made it back to the chapel just as the Stake representative was welcoming everyone.

Anna was the first to be baptized! After some songs and some talks, we all went to the Relief Society room and the font divider was opened. Anna and Chris went into the font and all the little cousins gathered at the front of the room on the floor, close to the font, as is tradition, so they could see it happen up close. But then the kids' heads were in the way of my view, so I stood. And as my brother raised his arm to the square and said "Anna Danielle Montano," I got teary.

This was my baby! My little baby newborn, and now she has chosen to be baptized, and now she's old enough to be baptized! I was filled with such pride, such honor of having such a faith-filled daughter. Then Chris said "I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost." and into the water she went, immersed completely, and all her sins were washed away, and she was baptized. She emerged a clean soul. And now, because of that baptism, she can repent of her sins and be forgiven EVERY TIME she makes a mistake.

After that, I went into help her out of the font and we returned to the dressing room. She was cold. She was happy. She was cute. We got her dried off and dressed again. I wished I'd packed her detangler spray. When she was ready, we went to the primary room for her confirmation.

My Dad was the one to confirm her a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and bestow upon her the gift of the Holy Ghost. In the circle stood Dad, of course, Chris, Cameron, Casey and my friend Jeff. When the blessing was done, Anna hugged Jeff, and then started to leave! Chris pulled her back so she could hug everyone else. It was cute. It was only because she hadn't seen Jeff, yet. He and his family were late and missed the baptism, so she was basically just greeting him. But it was funny.

Anna's primary teacher from last year was there and gave her a gift, a journal, with a beautiful note the teacher had written. That was sure nice of Sister Hipwell.

In attendance were: Myself and Matthias, Mom, Dad, Cameron, Casey, Melanie and her kids Morgan and Lydia, Chris and Christine and their kids Kaien, Emmy, Ammon and baby Ezra, Kim and Kadin, Jeff and Astrid and their kids Samantha and Gabriel, Patty from the primary and her daughter Anne, who is Anna's age, Brother Ross who was the ward rep- he's a new bishopric member in our new ward, and Sis Hipwell. Oh and Brother Ross's son Brennan who was in my primary class last year, and whom I just adore. The ward members left right after the confirmation and the rest of us stuck around for pictures.
the first one is sans myself because I was taking the photo. The next one is sans Melanie for the same reason.

And here's Mom (me, duh) and the girl of the hour:

 Dad who confirmed her and Chris who baptized her. They are so weird about smiling.

 I told them they should work on smiling and this is what happened.

After the pictures, we all headed to my place for some lunch. Anna and Matthias wanted to ride with Kimmy so I drove home alone. And I reflected on the morning. And my heart was filled with joy and peace and love, and I felt like what happened that day was exactly what should have happened that day, and that God was aware of us and aware of my daughter's choice, and that He approved of it, and was pleased with it. And I remembered my own baptism on March 4, 1989 and how great it felt at the time, and how a cried a single tear during my confirmation.

It was truly a beautiful joy-filled morning.

The Lunch didn't go over quite so well. I didn't have enough beef for the taco salad, but there were plenty of beans, and I also forgot to get paper plates, and I didn't have enough plates for everyone!!! Some of us had to wait for someone else to finish before we could eat! I felt bad, but most everyone was very forgiving and understanding, and didn't hold it against me. I love my family, truly. In fact, most of my guests didn't complain at all. I'm so grateful for them.

After lunch, I presented to Anna her baptism gift from me. I wrote a book for her. It's not professionally printed yet, but it will be. I read it to her and my guests (poor things). Anna loved it, and so did my Dad! Everyone but Jeff & Astrid and Chris & Christine took off one second after I finished reading it so I began to beat myself up about it, thinking maybe I should have read it to just Anna after everyone left. But I kinda wanted to make it a big deal for my princess, I wanted there to be witnesses to what I felt was a very special gift to my daughter. I worked very hard on it. But it wasn't FOR anyone but Anna and I started to worry that my family and friends thought it was selfish and dumb of me to force them to hear it. And then I tried to remind myself that it doesn't really matter if other people approve of my choices as long as God does, and presenting a gift in the way I wanted to present it wasn't a choice that bore any eternal consequences. I was pretty much going crazy over it, worrying about how my family saw it and trying to console myself, when I got a text from my dad. He said it was a "wonderful story" and he thinks Anna will love it more and more through the years. And with that text, my anxiety over the issue was dispelled and everything was okay. I was very grateful for it!

I'm a little crazy but that's okay. The important thing is my baby girl was baptized. That night in her bedtime prayer she thanked our Father that she was able to be baptized and asked Him to help her not to make any mistakes for the rest of her life, and that if she did, to help her repent. It was very sweet and perfect for a prayer just after baptism. I love that little princess.

Halloween!

Okay, I think it's Chrome that's preventing me from moving the pictures around, so they're basically backward. Dangit.

Well, here's the end product. Anna got tired of the wig and traded it for Matthias' beanie to keep her freezing ears warm.

This was like the 9th house of no candy.
no candy here either even though they're all decked out.
love this one. This was before we started.
My Halloween angels!

Anna was a witch and Matthias was a race car driver. Anna made it clear she wanted to be a pretty witch and a nice witch. I thought the safety goggles would be cool for Matthias but they definitely weren't. We bagged them before we went trick or treating.

A most beautiful witch!

Precious
my boy!

No one was home in my neighborhood so we went to my friend Jeff's neighborhood. His family was there and that's where my kids got their first candy. Not very many others were home though. So we went to my best friend's neighborhood and hit the jackpot. We didn't even make it a block before the kids said they were done and wanted to go home. I don't get it. I had to be TOLD it was time to go home when I was a kid! I coulda begged for candy all night long! I didn't care if my ears were freezing off. I didn't care if my feet hurt. Candy was my overwhelming priority.

I guess I can't complain that my kids prefer rest to sugar.

Overall it was a fun night. Happy Halloween!

Before I Get Married

Recently, I read about a good idea. Make a list of stuff to do before you get married. Kinda like a bucket list. Not to liken marriage to death....

So. I decided I'm going to do that. Yeah!

Without further adieu, here are 10 things I will do before I re-marry.

1. Become a certified Medical Administrative Assistant.
2. Write a song
3. Write a book
4. Create and stick to a budget
5. Lose 60 pounds
6. Get my piano fixed
7. Learn to keep my house clean
8. Learn Near You Always by Jewel on the guitar
9. Teach my kids how to read music
10. Plant a tree in my yard

I figure ten is a good number. It's realistic. If I get married next Summer (highly unlikely), I'll still be able to do all this. So there ya go. :)

I just had to include this beautiful picture of a medieval bride, complete with castle in the background. I'm hoping I can find a groom who'll let me talk him into a medieval wedding. Look at that dress!! Image location here.

So, I'm in the process of being a certified administrative medical assistant. I should have that certificate next Spring. The next thing I want to do is write a book. I'm going to write a book for my daughter for her 8th birthday. That's December 13, this year. Hardly any time at all but I already have the story in my head. This will be a kid's book of course, we're not talking a novel. But it's going to be awesome and I can't wait to give it to her. I'm picturing myself giving it to her and it's a lovely picture. The cover is a deep red/maroon color and on it is a princess. Princess Anna of course. Gotta get crackin.

In other news, God has been so good to me and my family. We are extraordinarily blessed and what's not to love about this life?

Life as it is

I wish I was better at writing here, writing in my journal, writing all my great story ideas, etc.

Life is hectic!! I start school again Monday! I'm very excited. I'm going to be getting a certificate in Medical Administrative Support at the College of Western Idaho. It's a year long program. I can do that, you know? I can do a year. I can see an end to that! My degree is on hold indefinitely. When the kids are much older, I will pursue a BA or BS in something again.

My books for this semester were $600. I'm certain I've never had to pay so much for books before.

My wonderful babysitter and sister in law, Christine, moved with her family to Kuna. Sad day. I decided I would rather not drive to Kuna every day for childcare. So I looked around and decided the kids will be going to Salvation Army for childcare during school. They have a great after- and before-school program. They will provide transportation to and from school, provide breakfast, an after school snack, help with homework, and good activities, all for only $200 a month for both my kids. I was paying more than that to Chris and Christine! So I will be saving money on childcare, which is great, since I'll be in school and everything.

However, I absolutely can't afford the Salvation Army in the Summer. The rates are something like $37 a day per kid. Too much for me. WAY too much. So I hired a temporary sitter, the daughter of a friend of mine from work. She watched the kids for three weeks and my kids already miss her.

Now that I've updated myself, here's some pictures of our Summer. They're not the best quality because all of these pics are from my iPhone. For your viewing pleasure:

Grandma got Anna and Emmy matching outfits. CUTE! Anna got a haircut earlier this Summer (by Yours Truly)

Here's something we do frequently each Summer; visit the fountain by the police station.Anna got her ears pierced.The kids spent two 2-week periods at their dad's this Summer. It was excruciating for me. Actually, it was supposed to be 2 weeks both times, but the 2nd round, I got the kids back a week early. Woot! But they came home with these:

Anna's dog bite on her thighMatthias' dog bit on his footIf you think that looks bad, you're right. Matthias' was infected. I got them back Sunday night and found out the bites happened Wednesday. The kids' dad has a little tiny miniature dachshund that evidently was on a rampage that day. I took the kids to the ER and sure enough, Matthias' bite was infected. Got him some antibiotics and a topical ointment and the swelling and redness slowly dissipated. We won't talk about how upset I was that the bites were neither reported to me by their father nor treated by their father. What matters is that the kids are okay now, and don't seem too traumatized; they still like Atticus just fine.

Speaking of Atticus Finch. hehe.


Here the kids are at the pediatrician's for their ER follow up appointment. They were pretending. :)
In July, I decided to buy a swimming pool for the kids. That was a really bad idea because by July, all the good pools are sold out. This was the best I could find. Too small for my kids, and they only played in it a few times. Sad
I got a haircut! I love it
Anna was watching TV with her friends one day. SO CUTEObserve the trailer trash "curtains." My curtain rod broke and my blinds fell down because I couldn't screw the reinforcements into the area above the window. I'm too weak. So the blinds bent and fell and, well, we had to have SOMETHING covering the huge living room window, so we used a blanket. Just last week, a guy from my bishopric came over and put up my blinds. Yay!

We went to Settler's ParkMatthias is the brown kid on the far right. The random little dudes to his left are genuinely Hispanic, and not as dark as my white boy!

We washed the car
Haha, last week we headed to the fountain again and Anna discovered she has some room at the bottom of her swimsuit, and discovered she could make it filled with air, and decided that nothing was more hilarious. I don't blame her.
This last photo, I snapped today. Matthias fell asleep on my bed for a nap, and he fell asleep on my hand. So tender!It's been a great Summer and I'm so sad to say goodbye. We all three start school on Monday, and we're all three pretty excited about it.

Happiness to you and yours!

racism

I am ever surprised when I see racism. It seems to me that racism should be ancient, neanderthal, DEAD. Racism is juvenile at best, but then most racism I see is from fully grown men and women. In my city, we are blessed to mingle with very many people of Hispanic descent.

Racism, as defined by miriam-webster.com: : a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.

Now, I never hear anyone say "that person is inferior because of his or her race." But that message is loud in the undertones of what I do hear. Stereotyping remarks like "they all just come here and use my hard earned tax money for free food," or "If I went to their country to live, I would have the decency to learn their language." Or "Mexican men are terrible husbands. They have to have hot wives who will do everything for them,"- such statements drip with a racist core. They are condescending, and separating- separating the speaker, the white, superior, natural-born American, from the subject- the inferior, system-conning Hispanic person, especially Mexican.

There is a difference between unintentional racism and intentional racism. I even think there's such thing as cultural racism. Seems like everyone around you is doing it, it's a learned opinion, so it's easy to just "go with it." I really believe that if some of us could hear the way we sound, and realized that we're hurting other people, we would change our words immediately. But many of us wouldn't. But regardless of intention, our words are powerful.

I hear around me so many negative comments about "illegals." I'm not saying I think immigration laws should be eliminated; I'm not saying that AT ALL. I'm saying that the things I hear about these "illegals" are so cruel, so loveless, so hateful, speaking about them as if they are criminals and that's all they are. But I don't think I know anyone here who knows for sure of a Hispanic individual who is living here illegally. So why assume it? I'm going to finish this post addressed to those white folks of you who say and believe things like "All Hispanics are lazy scum, and probably illegal, and should leave my country."

Who do you think you are? This is America, the greatest country on this beautiful planet! Who says it's YOURS? Who says it's for white people? Your ancestors immigrated here, too, you know, and thank goodness they were probably treated a lot better than you treat our Southern brothers and sisters. Maybe even your ancestors migrated illegally. You speak as if there is no room here. You act like you get to choose who lives where. Well there's plenty of room here, and you don't get to choose or decide who's "legal" or not. These are humans, like you and me, intelligent human beings who seek love and acceptance. Just like you and me. Rather than labeling them as "illegal" without knowing, or as "lazy" without knowing, why not see them as human beings who happened to have been born, or happened to have had ancestors born, outside the USA's boundaries? Instead of "illegal," why not "human?" Why don't we open our arms rather than judging immediately? You know, the famous poem in the Statue of Liberty does not say "bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses unless they're Hispanic," or "unless they don't know English," or "unless they're not white."

Racism, prejudice, bigotry, sexism-- these should have all gone to their graves with the Dark Ages. They are attitudes belonging to close-minded, ignorant humans. It still surprises me that we haven't evolved beyond such cave-man traits. Let us love. Let us treat people as if they were people. Let us let racism die.