Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Lonely Vent

I decided that admitting that I am lonely is not necessarily desperate.

So. I'm lonely.

Things have been happening lately, things that remind me of just how much it sucks to be single. Don't get me wrong; I'm not unhappy. Don't get me wrong; singleness certainly has its perks. But when you compare the best parts of being single to the best parts of being married-- well, the difference is vast.

My sister has been single for like a year and now she's already got this boyfriend and they're in love and they'll probably get married and have more kids and have someone to come home to every day, someone to be with every day, someone to love every day. I'm happy for her. I know she loves him. I'm so happy she has someone to love.

One of my old crushes just got married. He's a great guy and deserves to be happy and I'm happy for him, but I'm so bummed that he's out of the picture for me now.

Another of my old crushes is getting married. I'm so happy for him. He has been single for many years and now he's finally getting the happiness he deserves.

I had dinner with a friend and his wife and they've been married for over 5 years and they love each other, they were acting like newlyweds almost, like they weren't even almost sick of each other. They are so happy together.

My kids keep talking about getting a new daddy. They want me to be a stay at home mom! They want to have a daddy in the house. And they talk about it. They even pray for it.

I met this guy, and I really liked him. And there was a moment that I thought maybe something better, something great could come out of this. But we're not meant to be right now, and that's fine, but you know when you have a crush and your crush has a crush on you and it just feels so good? And it's so much fun and you can't help but hope that maybe this is it. I knew it wasn't but I hoped it was. I don't hope that anymore because reality came along, and I'm okay with reality, I'm okay with not having a relationship with this awesome guy, really I am. In fact, I have so many issues right now that I can't fathom being ready for a relationship at all. Yet.

BUT. All these experiences have brought to my immediate awareness that I miss being in love. I long to be in a mutually loving and respectful relationship. I want, so deeply, to be cherished. By a man, a wonderful man.

I've been single nearly five years. If someone would have told me during my divorce that I'd be single five years, I would have been devastated. I wouldn't have been able to hope as I did then. I wouldn't have been able to see as I did then. It would have seemed far too long for me to handle. But I've done it, with God's grace, I've done it. And I can make it another five years. Because no matter how much it sucks to be single, it's never as bad as being in a lousy marriage. I won't do that again. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than be married to someone like Randy for a day.

In some ways, I feel so ready for marriage. I really want my kids to have a positive male roll model in their lives. I am so much more mature in most ways than I was when I was married. I know that I'd be a better wife now than I ever was before. But in other ways.... I just have too much to work on. I have too much that I don't want to take into a marriage with me. I am too fat! I can't even imagine dating while I've got all this weight on me. I'm constantly aware of my weight. I'm always thinking that all the guys must think I'm undateable because of it. It hasn't bothered me as much as it does now. I don't like how much it's on my mind lately. I'm trying to lose weight but nothing's really happening despite my efforts. And I can't help but think, "Who wants to marry a fat girl?" I'll never have a relationship again with that attitude.

I'm really quite sick of this. I'm sick of being the good girl, just sitting and waiting for some great guy to rescue her. I'm sick of parenting by myself. I'm sick of making decisions by myself. I'm sick of doing this life without a partner to share it with. 


Melanie said...

Yeah, I'm sick of it for you too! I hope it doesn't seem like I flaunt my relationship...

Stephanie said...

no, it doesn't seem like that at all. Not even a little bit. :)

Linnea said...

For the record, my 2nd husband married the fat girl. And we're so ridiculously happy together that it makes me wonder why I ever worried about my weight. The right guy won't care, and the ones that care aren't the right guy. You are more than your pants size. <3