Sadness

Turns out, I have absolutely loved all this time off work, spending all the time with my kids, almost as if I was a stay at home mom (my dream job). This weekend so far has been a sad one, knowing I start my job on Monday and these are the last full days with my kids. My savings are almost gone completely, and I am relying on the Lord to carry me through to my first paycheck. Of course I'll be alright, but I don't know how, at this point. Anyway, that was a silly side note. What I'm trying to whine about is letting my kids go!

I've looked into a few options. I've been torn between hiring a daycare facility and a Stay At Home Mom (hereafter to be called SAHM). I believe my kids could get the best possible care in a home of a mother. But, they could also get the worst possible care. At a daycare facility, where rules are strict and enforced by the state, my kids are less likely to be in danger of harm. But, conversely, at a home of a mom, my kids are less likely to be ignored or counted as a number; more likely to be genuinely loved. Either way, I hate the idea of paying someone to care for my kids. I hate the idea that my kids have to become someone's job. But, I can't avoid that at this point.

I decided on a daycare. I can't afford child care, whether by professional facility or SAHM. At a daycare, I can ask the state for help. I hate doing that, but at this point, my options are severely limited. I found the daycare, and I'm so impressed with them. They are located directly across from where I'll be working, so I can go see the kids at my lunch break! I went to the facility to ask questions and ended up being so impressed that I signed my kids up. All of my questions were answered exactly the way I hoped. I only met three of the workers (there are several, whom I will make a point to meet later), and they all expressed genuine interest in my kids, even though two of them didn't know I was planning on having the kids go there. Anna and Matthias didn't even want to leave, and we were there for 45 minutes. Anna keeps asking when she can go back.

I wish I could do a background check on all the kids' parents. I want to know who these kids are that my kids will be associating with. I want to know who their parents are and what happens in their homes, you know?

Well after I checked out the daycare, I went to apply for the Idaho Child Care Program. It takes like ten days before I get the help so I'll have to find something else until then, or I have to pay. It's only $72 a week per child, which isn't bad at all compared to facilities in Nampa I remember looking at. But I don't have $145 to spare. I will still have to pay a percentage of the daycare costs because the program never pays for it fully. But, it will be a percentage I'm sure I can handle. And Randy's supposed to pay half of what's charged. That would be nice.
I once heard a story of a flying pig....

Anyway. Well my kids are in bed, sleeping. And tomorrow is the last full day I have with them. And it breaks my heart. I've been a little bit freaking out all weekend. I'll look at their gorgeous faces and stare and shake my head in wonder. How is it possible that I helped produce something so amazing? I could never have earned the joy they bring me. And now I have to go to work and leave them with strange kids and adults and I don't get to pick what they do every moment anymore, and I don't get to be with them when they do it! You'd think I've never had a full time job before! I did it for a year already. These two months have really spoiled me. It feels like I'm leaving them. And yet, it's for them that I leave.

I know of mothers who leave their kids at daycares on their days off. I can't grasp that.

The kids know I'm going to start working again, of course. Anna yesterday, while eating her lunch, asked me, "Mommy, do you love me?"

I stopped my business and looked at her, wondering what I'd done to make her question my love. But of course she knew the answer, and of course I was happy to oblige the question. I approached her, cradled her chin in my hand, looked her in the eyes and almost started crying (I'm going to to miss her SO much!) and told her that I love her so much. She continued: "Are you gonna leave us?"

Well, whatever tears I'd managed to hold in had no chance now. I told her "Baby, I will never leave you. When I have to go to work and drop you off somewhere, I will always come back for you. Every day." She seemed satisfied and went back to eating.

I don't wanna leave her. Not for 40 hours a week, not ever.

Today I was even more anxious about my immediate future and I told Anna that I'll miss her and Matty so much when I start work. She put a hand on my shoulder and said, matter-of-factly, "It's okay, Mommy. You'll always come back. You can be so excited for your new job!"

Well. I'm not excited. I'd rather not have to contribute to society in order to keep my family and myself alive.

I've gotten through worse, and I'll get through this, but for tonight, I'm very sad.

Thanks for reading!