The Truth about Rexburg

I've been meaning to write this post since this whine fest. You remember, the one where I whined about my friend unfriending me from Facebook. Haha. I laugh at myself now, but it was pretty real to me then.

Mostly, I wish to undo this lie, and I quote myself: "Thank goodness for my dearest friend Eileen. If not for her, I'm pretty sure Rexburg would be the biggest waste of my life to date."

I love Eileen. She recently graduated. I was so proud of her! I went Rexburg to visit her and see her graduate.

It's true. Eileen was a very bright spot of my life in Rexburg. She is a woman of unconditional love. She rescued me many a time when I needed transportation for my kids, or food, or a soundboard. She was wonderful. I count her among my dearest friends. She still IS wonderful, by the way. We talk on the phone and on Facebook and she never stops loving me when I fail to call her for several weeks in a row. Without her, my life in Rexburg would have been even darker. True.

However.

While my 2 years in Rexburg was a series of trials, it was NOT a waste of my life. Quite the contrary. While my 2 years in Rexburg felt like 2 years in Hell, it was actually more like a training camp, without which I couldn't have become the person I will become. While it was easy to focus on my constant lack of money, on my loneliness, on my legal problems with my ex, on the stress of full time studenthood, full time motherhood, and full time (sometimes part time) employment, I can now look back on those years with humility and gratitude that my wise and loving Father in Heaven gave me a trial so custom-made to fit my exact needs, that would bring me closer to salvation. In Rexburg, I experienced my first (and I pray it was my last) lay-off. In Rexburg, I couldn't ask Dad to come over and fix my computer or my garbage disposal. In Rexburg, I had to ask near strangers for help and that was humiliating! In Rexburg, I suffered poverty so severe that by all calculations, I should have been living on the streets. I should have starved. I should have lost my phone, my internet, my car, my electricity, my very home. I'm going to tell you, I made $8000 in 2009. $8000!! In a WHOLE YEAR! That's a little embarrassing, so I hesitate to admit it, but it wasn't for lack of trying, I promise you that. $8000 income. YES, that's an enormous trial!

Wait. Back up. I made $8000 in 2009 and I KEPT my apartment? And I didn't starve? And my kids didn't even know that we were exceedingly poor? And we weren't dressed in rags? And I dared call that a burden? I'll tell you what that was- that was a blessing of enormous proportions!

I didn't fail a single class. In fact, I got mostly A's and B's while I was there. What?

Let me tell you about Jennifer.

Mi prima bonita! Jennifer saved my life pretty much every single day while I lived in Rexburg. She is my cousin. Her husband was a student at BYU-I as well and even though she was a very busy SAHM of three young kids, she never turned down a request to babysit so I could just get this paper done, or that assignment ready, or anything. She is so filled with love and compassion that it spills over onto everyone she meets. Especially me, at that time. She had trials of her own, very challenging trials, but even though I was blind to hers, she was not blind to mine. Largely because of her generosity, her desire to help and serve, her limitless compassion, I got through Rexburg. Without her, there's a good chance I would have destroyed myself. I may have buried myself and never exposed myself to the world again. She saved me, every day. Until the devastating day she moved to Alaska. I cried for long time. I only hope someone can be to her now what she was to me then. Dear Jennifer, I love you so much, and I often think of how you saved me and my sweet kids. Never will I be able to repay you. I thank you, I thank you, I thank you. (I'm crying right now, thinking about your godliness!)

Aside from two very wonderful women who taught me love, I also was blessed with a very wonderful bishop who taught me love. My children taught me love and forgiveness. I was grouchy, I was depressed, I was sometimes mean to those sweet little angels. They never held it against me. I had home teachers who taught me love, and visiting teachers who taught me love, and classmates, strangers, professors, and grocery cashiers who taught me love. I had my kids' daycare providers who taught me love.

I interrupt this program to bring you a very important message.
Apple Tree Learning Center in Rexburg, Idaho, is THE BEST daycare center in all of Rexburg, easily. Probably the best in all of Idaho. I tried every daycare center in Rexburg and one home daycare, and Apple Tree is about 100% better than the 2nd best daycare in Rexburg. I love them. My kids loved them.

Okay, back to your regularly scheduled program.

So, anyway. I was surrounded by love. I was never alone. There was even a time when my pad was the happenin' place to be. I had movie night every Tuesday with several friends at my place! What about that is me-ish? 8 or 9 people would show up every week and we'd either watch a flick or play games or nearly burn down my apartment (that's another post). Even now, that seems totally weird. I'd never done that before and there's a good chance I'll never do it again. But, the point is, I was growing.

In fact, that's one of the points of Rexburg. Enormous personal growth. The other point is love. I learned so much about love, and people, and relationships, and connection, and love in those two years. I learned that it is important and maybe vital to be connected to other humans. Well, connection is unavoidable. We ARE connected. To participate in that connection is to live. I still have a ways to go on that lesson, but I couldn't have learned it if I'd stayed in Nampa. I was stuck here. God took me out of this place and planted me somewhere freezing and foreign, and made me start new, and nothing was better for me. I was broken in Rexburg, diminished, humiliated, and crushed, and that's exactly what I needed. Because I am still rebuilding my heart, but this time I'm doing it with God. I'm nearly certain He sent me to Rexburg to destroy me. I was so proud. But as I step back now and see what is rising from the ashes of the rubble and debris created by my time in Rexburg, I can see God's point. I can see how He loves me. It was all for my benefit. He destroyed the prideful, stone-hearted me in order to create something much, much better.

And after He cut me down, He gave me countless lessons about love. Love is what builds us up. Love is how we share God. Love is an investment that is exponentially returned. Maybe not always with a specific person. We all have times when we give someone more love than they give us. And vice versa. But the more love we give, in general, the more love comes to us. Love is God. When I feel the Love of God, I know that everything will be okay. There is nothing better in all the worlds than God's love. As I share love with God's children, He gives His love to me.

And that's the truth about Rexburg.

Day 7 - A picture of your most treasured item

Remember this? I'm going to finish it now! Haha. I stopped because I got stuck on this one. My most treasured item? This was very hard. I first think of my kids when I think of what I treasure. But I don't think they're items, so that didn't work. People were out. Then I thought maybe the scriptures? But then I remembered I can read those anywhere, online, on my phone, etc., and it's not the physical item itself that I treasure. I could take any old Book of Mormon or Bible and be happy with it. Then I thought maybe my piano. But then I asked myself what I would save in a fire. It wouldn't be my piano. It would be this:



That's an actual picture of my journal, which I just took today. That's another reason I didn't keep up with this; I didn't have a working computer to upload a photo, and I didn't have a working card reader to download a photo from my camera. This one I took with my iPhone anyway, which I just got a few weeks ago. I treasure this item. Inside, it's me. I guess I treasure me. Does that make me a narcissist? It's just that, if my journals were destroyed, I'd have no way to ever replace them. I think their irreplaceable status is what makes my journals my most treasured item.

Happy Easter

This is my 201st post!

The other day, a very close friend told me my Christian beliefs are "a bunch of crap." Now, since I always believed that she respected my beliefs, and since she is someone I love, it hurt me quite a bit. Jesus Christ and His teachings are such an integral part of me that it felt like she was calling me crap. I know that's not the case. I know she loves me. But it got me thinking.

I love my Savior. I have felt Him guide when I need Him most. I have felt Him guide me when I don't realize how much I need Him. He has come after me to rescue me more often than I should admit. No one else is more dedicated to my happiness! No one. And no one can be.

The Atonement of Christ was for me. I know that if I was the only human to face this test of life, I still would have needed a Savior, because I still would have fallen short of God's expectations. I still would have barred myself from His kingdom. And He still would have atoned for me. Just me. He would have taken upon Him my sins, and my sorrows, and my infirmities. Isaiah 53:3 says "Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows;" Not only did he take on Him the punishment for my transgressions, he also bore my griefs and carried my sorrows. I know this is true. I have seen it. He has taken the pain when I could bear it no more.

I digress momentarily to summarize a little story I wrote. There was a woman who lived in a cottage on a hill, where she ran a bed-and-breakfast. She had no one to take care of her, but she took care of herself quite nicely. She had employees, servants. Well, she was preparing for a big weekend, the biggest of the year, where she would be hosting several guests. Everything had to be perfect- the food, the rooms, the experience. This weekend would support her for the next several months.

One day, she returned from an outing to find that her kitchen had burned down. Everything in it was useless. Every appliance was destroyed, every dish demolished, and all the food wasted. She discovered it was one of her servants who had intentionally set the fire. Of course, she fired him. But that didn't solve any problems.
She was crippled with betrayal, anger, and now her very livelihood had been compromised, all because of someone else's cruelty. She was in her garden, overcome with emotion, when her most trusted servant approached her. "Madam," he said, "Why do you cry? I have restored your kitchen! Everything has been replaced." The woman was confused. That was impossible. The damage wasn't even a day old. She knew her servant must have had good intentions, but she also knew her kitchen was beyond repair. So she went to town and spent her every last dime on appliances and food. She carried it up the hill on her back, everything. The fridge, the stove, the food, the dishes. Finally, she collapsed beneath her burden; she literally could not carry it. While buried, her best servant found her and pulled her out. He said, "I told you I restored your kitchen. I carried everything up this hill already, and replaced all that was destroyed. I told you I did this. Why did you not believe?" and he took her to her kitchen, and she saw that, indeed, all was restored.

Why don't we believe Him, sometimes, when He tells us He's already carried our griefs and borne our sorrows? Why do we sometimes insist on carrying it ourselves? We don't have to. He did it already. He carried it already. How He loves us! We don't need to feel the full pain of betrayal- He bore it already for us! We don't need to suffer in sorrow for loss- He bore it already! Let us give it to Him, He who has taken it already- why should we pay for something that was already purchased for us?

Back to Isaiah 53. Jesus took the hit for us. He was wounded for our transgressions. Bruised for our iniquities. All fall short of qualifying for the Kingdom of God. And so we need a Redeemer. And Jesus was willing. I remember I used to think that He must not have suffered as much for me as He did for others, because He must not love me like He loves others. I couldn't fathom being special enough to anyone to redeem. How could He love me that much? Then I realized how selfish I was being. Did I really think I was the only one in all the world He didn't give everything for? That's ridiculous. Of course He died for me. Individually. He carried my griefs and bore my sorrows. I remember when I realized my marriage was over. The pain was inexpressible. It was thick. I couldn't breathe. The betrayal I felt stung more than words can describe. I couldn't bear it. I fell to my knees and asked my God to take the pain. I told him I didn't want to feel it.

And you know what? He took it. And He could, because Jesus Christ already bore it. I was blessed with peace, immediately, and throughout the divorce process. Oh, you bet I had hard days. You bet I had regrets. But I was able to smile and laugh every single day, because Jesus took my pain.

My Savior Jesus Christ is my light, and the light of the world. He is my Redeemer. He is my comfort. He is my peace. The chastisement of my peace is upon Him. Peace isn't free, someone must pay. Jesus Christ paid. And what good news! I can be free! Because of Jesus Christ, I can be free of pain, of sorrow, of sin, of death. Because of Him, and like Him, I will rise after I die, and live forever in His glory. He is my joy.

And so, when you say my belief in Him is crap, I know I must not take offense. He taught us to not be offended. It's just that without Him, I am nothing, and so when you say it's junk, then you're attacking me, too. And when you say my beliefs are garbage, it feels like you're throwing my Savior away. Since He has given me everything, and also He has given you everything, hearing that is hard. But regardless of your beliefs, He is there. And He loves you. So do I.

Say what you will about Jesus Christ, but don't expect me to stand silent and let you speak ill of Him. He saved me. The least I can do is defend His name.

And in His sacred, powerful name, I close.

image from gregolsenart.com

Matthew 11:28-30

28. Come unto me, all ye that labour and are
heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;
for I am meek and lowly in heart:
and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

How do you know?

Have I really not posted since before I moved? Crazy!
Well I have my own house now. I love it. Except that I haven't unpacked yet, and my house is a mess all the time.

Which is most important:
Adding to my meager food storage
Teaching my kids how to work
(learning how to work)
Putting away money for the future
Cleaning my house
Getting my oil changed
Spending more time with the kids and less on the computer
Stopping destructive habits
Serving my neighbor
Learning to control my impulses
Keeping my job by not staying home with my sick kids
Keeping my house clean if/when it ever gets there
Paying my bills
Doing visiting teaching
Having family scripture study
Teaching my kids about Jesus
Being a missionary
Quitting Pepsi
Putting together a 72 hour kit for my kids and me
Deeper study of the scriptures
More meaningful prayer
Eating healthy foods
exercising
forgiving those who've wronged me
Going to the Temple?

I keep having things to add but I'm going to make myself stop there because it's already making me hyperventilate. All those things are important to me, very important to me, and I wish they were a part of who I am but I fail at every one of those things. And I need to do every one of those things. And I need to do them all right now because now is the time to prepare to meet God and if the world is ending and Japan happens in Idaho, I'm going to die and so will my kids because I dont' have a food storage and I don't have a savings and I don't know how to work and my kids don't either and we're all freaking lazy and it's all because of me and we don't know how to be spiritually guarded because we don't have FHE or family scriptures and my car, if it survives, won't be much good because it needs an oil change, and no one can stay at my house if it stands because it's too messy and I don't have enough food to feed them and I'll still want to impulsively do all the things I impulsively do and I won't be able to so i'll be miserable and my kids will be too because they haven't been taught what's really important. And the people I am supposed to visit teach won't trust me and maybe they'll die because of me and I'm going to starve not only because I own't have anything stored but because I am so used to eating whatever I want whenever I want and that's why my blood pressure's a little high and my back hurts and I can't walk or run very far and anyways if I do die I haven't done any of the commandments and I can't do all that list today.

Even though I'm not doing any of the things on that list, it just feels like I'm doing the very best I can. But what am I doing? I don't even know. Nothing, probably.

That is all.