Montano Royalty

Anna's Baptism

2012-01-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, January 7th, 2012, my little girl was baptized.

The baptism was at 10:00 a.m. so we woke and started getting ready right away. Anna made sure to eat breakfast before changing into her white dress. Matthias was very good and didn't even throw a fit about getting dressed like he usually does. Everyone was excited. We were supposed to be 15 to 30 minutes early so I decided we'd leave the house at 9:30. The church is very close.

I did Anna's hair and curled her bangs and cleaned the house because we were having people over afterword for a lunch. At 9:25, I told the kids it was about time to go and they came to me and Anna had red Halloween makeup smeared in several places on her beautiful, expensive-ish white dress! I freaked out a bit. I didn't yell but I just said "Anna! Your dress! What were you thinking?!" and she still maintains that she has no idea how it got all over her dress. The day before, our new little puppy Scout

had gotten into the Halloween makeup, just the stick of red, and had chewed it up all over the carpet in front of the bathroom. It was also all over the bathroom floor. I think that somehow, the dress met the floor and that's how the disaster happened. I was so upset about the dress. I tried cleaning it with cold water but it wasn't working too well and we were already later than I'd wanted to be. So I wanted the kids to get together for a quick picture and they did and that's when I saw that Matthias had wet his pants. Are you kidding me? So I had to find him a clean pair of pants and calm him down because he always gets upset when he gets caught and oh my goodness. Then they got together for a picture.

all cute as if everything was perfect. The red is at the bottom of her skirt so you can't see it. And here's one of just the princess:

if you look very close, you can see the makeup. There's more on the other side that the picture doesn't show. But. Isn't she radiant?

So then we left to the church. The roads were covered in a light dusting of snow. That was kinda special because we haven't really had any snow this year. Yesterday's snowfall doesn't really count either, but it was special, I thought, that the roads were covered in white on Anna's baptism day.

We arrived and someone from the Stake immediately helped us figure out what to do and where to go. We went to the dressing room and found a jumper thing that would fit Anna and she changed into it.

There were five or six kids getting baptized that day. The children and their fathers met in a classroom just to go over the order of the baptisms, and all the dads practiced the baptism with the kids. I was the only woman in there! I think I was invited because Anna wasn't getting baptized by her father, and so I was there to be her parent. My brother Chris was there too since he's the one who baptized Anna. I enjoyed watching Anna practice with Chris. We were all then dismissed back to the chapel. Before we got there, I snapped this wonderful photo:

I love them!

Then we went to the chapel and Mom was just arriving. The baptism service was to begin in 10 minutes, so I rushed Mom to the dressing room to show her Anna's dress. She brought her bleach pen at my request, and while she saved the day and went to work on Anna's dress, I ran out to the car to grab the bag with Anna's towel and change of underwear, etc, that we'd left in the car. I made it back to the chapel just as the Stake representative was welcoming everyone.

Anna was the first to be baptized! After some songs and some talks, we all went to the Relief Society room and the font divider was opened. Anna and Chris went into the font and all the little cousins gathered at the front of the room on the floor, close to the font, as is tradition, so they could see it happen up close. But then the kids' heads were in the way of my view, so I stood. And as my brother raised his arm to the square and said "Anna Danielle Montano," I got teary.

This was my baby! My little baby newborn, and now she has chosen to be baptized, and now she's old enough to be baptized! I was filled with such pride, such honor of having such a faith-filled daughter. Then Chris said "I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost." and into the water she went, immersed completely, and all her sins were washed away, and she was baptized. She emerged a clean soul. And now, because of that baptism, she can repent of her sins and be forgiven EVERY TIME she makes a mistake.

After that, I went into help her out of the font and we returned to the dressing room. She was cold. She was happy. She was cute. We got her dried off and dressed again. I wished I'd packed her detangler spray. When she was ready, we went to the primary room for her confirmation.

My Dad was the one to confirm her a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and bestow upon her the gift of the Holy Ghost. In the circle stood Dad, of course, Chris, Cameron, Casey and my friend Jeff. When the blessing was done, Anna hugged Jeff, and then started to leave! Chris pulled her back so she could hug everyone else. It was cute. It was only because she hadn't seen Jeff, yet. He and his family were late and missed the baptism, so she was basically just greeting him. But it was funny.

Anna's primary teacher from last year was there and gave her a gift, a journal, with a beautiful note the teacher had written. That was sure nice of Sister Hipwell.

In attendance were: Myself and Matthias, Mom, Dad, Cameron, Casey, Melanie and her kids Morgan and Lydia, Chris and Christine and their kids Kaien, Emmy, Ammon and baby Ezra, Kim and Kadin, Jeff and Astrid and their kids Samantha and Gabriel, Patty from the primary and her daughter Anne, who is Anna's age, Brother Ross who was the ward rep- he's a new bishopric member in our new ward, and Sis Hipwell. Oh and Brother Ross's son Brennan who was in my primary class last year, and whom I just adore. The ward members left right after the confirmation and the rest of us stuck around for pictures.
the first one is sans myself because I was taking the photo. The next one is sans Melanie for the same reason.

And here's Mom (me, duh) and the girl of the hour:

Dad who confirmed her and Chris who baptized her. They are so weird about smiling.

I told them they should work on smiling and this is what happened.

After the pictures, we all headed to my place for some lunch. Anna and Matthias wanted to ride with Kimmy so I drove home alone. And I reflected on the morning. And my heart was filled with joy and peace and love, and I felt like what happened that day was exactly what should have happened that day, and that God was aware of us and aware of my daughter's choice, and that He approved of it, and was pleased with it. And I remembered my own baptism on March 4, 1989 and how great it felt at the time, and how a cried a single tear during my confirmation.

It was truly a beautiful joy-filled morning.

The Lunch didn't go over quite so well. I didn't have enough beef for the taco salad, but there were plenty of beans, and I also forgot to get paper plates, and I didn't have enough plates for everyone!!! Some of us had to wait for someone else to finish before we could eat! I felt bad, but most everyone was very forgiving and understanding, and didn't hold it against me. I love my family, truly. In fact, most of my guests didn't complain at all. I'm so grateful for them.

After lunch, I presented to Anna her baptism gift from me. I wrote a book for her. It's not professionally printed yet, but it will be. I read it to her and my guests (poor things). Anna loved it, and so did my Dad! Everyone but Jeff & Astrid and Chris & Christine took off one second after I finished reading it so I began to beat myself up about it, thinking maybe I should have read it to just Anna after everyone left. But I kinda wanted to make it a big deal for my princess, I wanted there to be witnesses to what I felt was a very special gift to my daughter. I worked very hard on it. But it wasn't FOR anyone but Anna and I started to worry that my family and friends thought it was selfish and dumb of me to force them to hear it. And then I tried to remind myself that it doesn't really matter if other people approve of my choices as long as God does, and presenting a gift in the way I wanted to present it wasn't a choice that bore any eternal consequences. I was pretty much going crazy over it, worrying about how my family saw it and trying to console myself, when I got a text from my dad. He said it was a "wonderful story" and he thinks Anna will love it more and more through the years. And with that text, my anxiety over the issue was dispelled and everything was okay. I was very grateful for it!

I'm a little crazy but that's okay. The important thing is my baby girl was baptized. That night in her bedtime prayer she thanked our Father that she was able to be baptized and asked Him to help her not to make any mistakes for the rest of her life, and that if she did, to help her repent. It was very sweet and perfect for a prayer just after baptism. I love that little princess.

Halloween!

2011-10-31T21:07:00.003-06:00

Okay, I think it's Chrome that's preventing me from moving the pictures around, so they're basically backward. Dangit.

Well, here's the end product. Anna got tired of the wig and traded it for Matthias' beanie to keep her freezing ears warm.

This was like the 9th house of no candy.
no candy here either even though they're all decked out.
love this one. This was before we started.
My Halloween angels!

Anna was a witch and Matthias was a race car driver. Anna made it clear she wanted to be a pretty witch and a nice witch. I thought the safety goggles would be cool for Matthias but they definitely weren't. We bagged them before we went trick or treating.

A most beautiful witch!

Precious
my boy!

No one was home in my neighborhood so we went to my friend Jeff's neighborhood. His family was there and that's where my kids got their first candy. Not very many others were home though. So we went to my best friend's neighborhood and hit the jackpot. We didn't even make it a block before the kids said they were done and wanted to go home. I don't get it. I had to be TOLD it was time to go home when I was a kid! I coulda begged for candy all night long! I didn't care if my ears were freezing off. I didn't care if my feet hurt. Candy was my overwhelming priority.

I guess I can't complain that my kids prefer rest to sugar.

Overall it was a fun night. Happy Halloween!

Before I Get Married

2011-09-15T19:46:00.003-06:00

Recently, I read about a good idea. Make a list of stuff to do before you get married. Kinda like a bucket list. Not to liken marriage to death....

So. I decided I'm going to do that. Yeah!

Without further adieu, here are 10 things I will do before I re-marry.

1. Become a certified Medical Administrative Assistant.
2. Write a song
3. Write a book
4. Create and stick to a budget
5. Lose 60 pounds
6. Get my piano fixed
7. Learn to keep my house clean
8. Learn Near You Always by Jewel on the guitar
9. Teach my kids how to read music
10. Plant a tree in my yard

I figure ten is a good number. It's realistic. If I get married next Summer (highly unlikely), I'll still be able to do all this. So there ya go. :)

I just had to include this beautiful picture of a medieval bride, complete with castle in the background. I'm hoping I can find a groom who'll let me talk him into a medieval wedding. Look at that dress!! Image location here.

So, I'm in the process of being a certified administrative medical assistant. I should have that certificate next Spring. The next thing I want to do is write a book. I'm going to write a book for my daughter for her 8th birthday. That's December 13, this year. Hardly any time at all but I already have the story in my head. This will be a kid's book of course, we're not talking a novel. But it's going to be awesome and I can't wait to give it to her. I'm picturing myself giving it to her and it's a lovely picture. The cover is a deep red/maroon color and on it is a princess. Princess Anna of course. Gotta get crackin.

In other news, God has been so good to me and my family. We are extraordinarily blessed and what's not to love about this life?

Life as it is

2011-08-20T20:11:00.008-06:00

I wish I was better at writing here, writing in my journal, writing all my great story ideas, etc.

Life is hectic!! I start school again Monday! I'm very excited. I'm going to be getting a certificate in Medical Administrative Support at the College of Western Idaho. It's a year long program. I can do that, you know? I can do a year. I can see an end to that! My degree is on hold indefinitely. When the kids are much older, I will pursue a BA or BS in something again.

My books for this semester were $600. I'm certain I've never had to pay so much for books before.

My wonderful babysitter and sister in law, Christine, moved with her family to Kuna. Sad day. I decided I would rather not drive to Kuna every day for childcare. So I looked around and decided the kids will be going to Salvation Army for childcare during school. They have a great after- and before-school program. They will provide transportation to and from school, provide breakfast, an after school snack, help with homework, and good activities, all for only $200 a month for both my kids. I was paying more than that to Chris and Christine! So I will be saving money on childcare, which is great, since I'll be in school and everything.

However, I absolutely can't afford the Salvation Army in the Summer. The rates are something like $37 a day per kid. Too much for me. WAY too much. So I hired a temporary sitter, the daughter of a friend of mine from work. She watched the kids for three weeks and my kids already miss her.

Now that I've updated myself, here's some pictures of our Summer. They're not the best quality because all of these pics are from my iPhone. For your viewing pleasure:

Grandma got Anna and Emmy matching outfits. CUTE! Anna got a haircut earlier this Summer (by Yours Truly)

Here's something we do frequently each Summer; visit the fountain by the police station.Anna got her ears pierced.The kids spent two 2-week periods at their dad's this Summer. It was excruciating for me. Actually, it was supposed to be 2 weeks both times, but the 2nd round, I got the kids back a week early. Woot! But they came home with these:

Anna's dog bite on her thighMatthias' dog bit on his footIf you think that looks bad, you're right. Matthias' was infected. I got them back Sunday night and found out the bites happened Wednesday. The kids' dad has a little tiny miniature dachshund that evidently was on a rampage that day. I took the kids to the ER and sure enough, Matthias' bite was infected. Got him some antibiotics and a topical ointment and the swelling and redness slowly dissipated. We won't talk about how upset I was that the bites were neither reported to me by their father nor treated by their father. What matters is that the kids are okay now, and don't seem too traumatized; they still like Atticus just fine.

Speaking of Atticus Finch. hehe.

Here the kids are at the pediatrician's for their ER follow up appointment. They were pretending. :)
In July, I decided to buy a swimming pool for the kids. That was a really bad idea because by July, all the good pools are sold out. This was the best I could find. Too small for my kids, and they only played in it a few times. Sad
I got a haircut! I love it
Anna was watching TV with her friends one day. SO CUTEObserve the trailer trash "curtains." My curtain rod broke and my blinds fell down because I couldn't screw the reinforcements into the area above the window. I'm too weak. So the blinds bent and fell and, well, we had to have SOMETHING covering the huge living room window, so we used a blanket. Just last week, a guy from my bishopric came over and put up my blinds. Yay!

We went to Settler's ParkMatthias is the brown kid on the far right. The random little dudes to his left are genuinely Hispanic, and not as dark as my white boy!

We washed the car
Haha, last week we headed to the fountain again and Anna discovered she has some room at the bottom of her swimsuit, and discovered she could make it filled with air, and decided that nothing was more hilarious. I don't blame her.
This last photo, I snapped today. Matthias fell asleep on my bed for a nap, and he fell asleep on my hand. So tender!It's been a great Summer and I'm so sad to say goodbye. We all three start school on Monday, and we're all three pretty excited about it.

Happiness to you and yours!

racism

2011-07-09T23:20:00.002-06:00

I am ever surprised when I see racism. It seems to me that racism should be ancient, neanderthal, DEAD. Racism is juvenile at best, but then most racism I see is from fully grown men and women. In my city, we are blessed to mingle with very many people of Hispanic descent.

Racism, as defined by miriam-webster.com: : a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.

Now, I never hear anyone say "that person is inferior because of his or her race." But that message is loud in the undertones of what I do hear. Stereotyping remarks like "they all just come here and use my hard earned tax money for free food," or "If I went to their country to live, I would have the decency to learn their language." Or "Mexican men are terrible husbands. They have to have hot wives who will do everything for them,"- such statements drip with a racist core. They are condescending, and separating- separating the speaker, the white, superior, natural-born American, from the subject- the inferior, system-conning Hispanic person, especially Mexican.

There is a difference between unintentional racism and intentional racism. I even think there's such thing as cultural racism. Seems like everyone around you is doing it, it's a learned opinion, so it's easy to just "go with it." I really believe that if some of us could hear the way we sound, and realized that we're hurting other people, we would change our words immediately. But many of us wouldn't. But regardless of intention, our words are powerful.

I hear around me so many negative comments about "illegals." I'm not saying I think immigration laws should be eliminated; I'm not saying that AT ALL. I'm saying that the things I hear about these "illegals" are so cruel, so loveless, so hateful, speaking about them as if they are criminals and that's all they are. But I don't think I know anyone here who knows for sure of a Hispanic individual who is living here illegally. So why assume it? I'm going to finish this post addressed to those white folks of you who say and believe things like "All Hispanics are lazy scum, and probably illegal, and should leave my country."

Who do you think you are? This is America, the greatest country on this beautiful planet! Who says it's YOURS? Who says it's for white people? Your ancestors immigrated here, too, you know, and thank goodness they were probably treated a lot better than you treat our Southern brothers and sisters. Maybe even your ancestors migrated illegally. You speak as if there is no room here. You act like you get to choose who lives where. Well there's plenty of room here, and you don't get to choose or decide who's "legal" or not. These are humans, like you and me, intelligent human beings who seek love and acceptance. Just like you and me. Rather than labeling them as "illegal" without knowing, or as "lazy" without knowing, why not see them as human beings who happened to have been born, or happened to have had ancestors born, outside the USA's boundaries? Instead of "illegal," why not "human?" Why don't we open our arms rather than judging immediately? You know, the famous poem in the Statue of Liberty does not say "bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses unless they're Hispanic," or "unless they don't know English," or "unless they're not white."

Racism, prejudice, bigotry, sexism-- these should have all gone to their graves with the Dark Ages. They are attitudes belonging to close-minded, ignorant humans. It still surprises me that we haven't evolved beyond such cave-man traits. Let us love. Let us treat people as if they were people. Let us let racism die.

Camping 2011 pictures

2011-06-26T22:13:00.010-06:00

Every year, my family goes on a way-too-long camping trip. I hate camping. I love being home. It's safer. Warmer at night, cooler in the day, I have everything I need here without having to fill my car to capacity. I don't have to dig through a bag to find clothes and I can change with plenty of standing room. I can shower daily. Don't have to worry about the ice in my freezer melting and ruining all my food. I don't have to drench myself in bug spray or sun screen. It's just better at home. But, my family disagrees. And, every year, they go camping for about a week. I never go the whole time because I can't handle it. Camping is way too expensive- another thing. But this time I committed to 2 nights. Longer than usual.

I'll skip the stressful experiences and skip right to the pictures. I could not get these pics in the order I wanted.

Shortly after arriving, Anna helped set up our tent.
Atticus came too! He LOVED it. And he was very well behaved for the most part.
The tent was up! I was in it, lying on a cot my Dad brought and let me use. Very comfy! Here's Anna, Emmy, and Daddio looking in.
On the way to camp, Atticus and Anna cuddling. Don't judge; we were at a stoplight. Maybe.
Melanie and Matthias looking into the tent. See- this was supposed to be under the other tent photo. I uploaded them together. Why, Blogger? WHY?
Matthias on the cot! I LOVED that thing. Waaaay better than sleeping on the ground. Warmer too.
Emmy and Kaien playing with the camping neighbor Preston, at the camping neighbor's camp spot.
We were getting ready to go to the pool that was fed by a natural hot springs. All the kids in the back of the Suburban that Chris now drives. I grew up riding in this Suburban! It's the one we moved to Idaho in! I even used to drive it! Kaien is holding the puppy. Funny.

There's Kaien! Anna, Matthias, Kaien, Emmy, Morgan. Happy cousins.

At the pool. It was super warm, like a perfect bath.
I just love my niece Lydia.
Lydia and Ammon sharing a stroller.

Fail, Blogger! Fail! So out of place, but cute-

Okay, here I am. I debated posting these horrible photos of myself but decided I'm not going to be one of those girls who's afraid of her physical imperfections. So here I am, in all my large, dirty, makeup-less glory. I was lighting a fire on alcohol!!! The story in a post to come. That's Casey by me.
A very rare photo of Casey's whole face!!! He avoids being in pictures at all costs! This must have been done by a very sneaky photographer.
My mom, and Christine taking a picture of Chris's fire.
Me with a piece of licorice sticking through the space where my tooth would be if I had one. Chris and Daddio surrounding me. We were playing The Great Dale Moody. So fun! Dad was the Serf.
My beautiful sister in law, Christine!
Melanie took this picture of herself so now she has to deal with it being publicized. She was the King here- I think that's why she's looking so smug.
My dad had this trailer that he hooked to one of his four-wheelers. It was used to haul firewood, supplies, and sometimes children. And there's Sadie, Chris's dog.
Mom, Mel and Lydia on the four-wheeler.
Grandpa pulling his grandkids! I think my dad looks especially young and fit here.
Mom and Casey playing The Great Dale Moody.

Lydia playing under the picnic table.

The best part of camping- the campfire! I love sitting round it, talking with family, roasting marshmallows. FUN.

The ride home. They were pooped. I was trying to get all three of them because Atticus was pretty cute too, but I was driving and this was shot through the front seats without me looking.

*Update- after researching a little, I realized there is no card game called the Great Dale Moody. I swear, that's what it sounded like my family's been calling it all along. But no. It's actually called The Great Dalmuti. I was wondering who Dale Moody was. Now I'm wondering what a Dalmuti is....

Camping 2011- The Hike

2011-06-26T21:46:00.011-06:00

I took the majority of my photos on this lovely hike. It's still kind of an overload for one post, but you can handle it. :) And because I couldn't get Blogger to cooperate, the pictures are in no particular order. Scenery and people I love:

I have a particular inexplicable fondness for this photo-
The Log. Kaien, Emmy, Morgan, Anna and Matthias getting ready for fun pictures.

I like photos when the sun comes through the trees. So I took one.
The silly log photo. Look, all the good positions were taken by other photographers, okay!! Ammon, Kaien, Emmy (Chris's kids), Morgan (Melanie's son), Matthias and Anna.
My cute cute cute kids!!!
Blurry but still cute.
Matthias looks like a Turley here I think. Anna showing off her walking stick.
I can't get enough of these kids.
Melanie and baby Lydia peeking around! I was glad I wasn't the one who had to haul a chubby baby on a hike.
A stream! Always a child's delight. All the kids taking off their shoes; Uncle Chris helping everyone in; Grandpa in the background taking real photos.
The heads of Kaien, Morgan, and Anna. And Matthias so excited to get in the water.
I think he was the 1st one in. Maybe not. But he was the first one to fall in. He said "I'm okay!"

Uncle Chris taking video.
My dad, the (camp) resident photographer.
We did these braids the day before we left. Well, most of them anyway. I finished it the morning we left. She loved them.

My brother Chris and my cute cute nephew Ammon! He's almost 2.

I was mostly trying to get that there mountain-top-rock. It was awesome.
Matthias and Kaien on the return. They ran way ahead of everyone. Look how pretty it is!
Matthias, Kaien and Emmy. And pretty.
My princess!

More pretty.
My cute niece Emmy perched upon a log, waiting for the rest to come.
Matthias on a log, waiting for the rest to come. And beautiful trees.

I loved the color of the bark on that tree.

A sea of trees! my camera failed to bring justice to the beauty here.

I'm Not Fat

2011-06-15T18:29:00.003-06:00

Actually, my body is covered in fat. I carry several unwanted, unneeded, unhealthy pounds on my frame. I could lose a LOT of weight, to be sure. And I want to. And, I will. I do have to buy XL clothing, sometimes bigger. Due to my size, I'm limited by certain activities. It's awkward and embarrassing sometimes being my size. But, I'm not fat.

I'm a woman; I'm not fat.
I'm creative; I'm not fat.
I'm a hard worker. Not fat.
I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Not fat.
I'm a soul. Not fat.
I'm a Christian. Not fat.
Do you get it? I'm NOT fat.

I'm a mother; I'm not fat
I'm a daughter, a sister, a neighbor; I'm not fat.
I'm a friend,
I'm a learner
I'm a daughter of God.
I'm not fat.

But I AM human
I AM imperfect
I AM respectful, respectable, worthy of love.
I AM intelligent
I AM compassionate
I AM important
I AM special, valuable, meaningful.
Don't you see?
I'm not fat.
I AM NOT fat.

Fat is not who I am. Fat does not define me. Fat doesn't matter. I matter. I'm not fat. I'm not fat. I'm me!

Matthias' Kindergarten graduation!

2011-06-10T18:44:00.008-06:00

On May 24, 2011, Matthias graduated from Kindergarten! He was soooo cute. I remembered to bring my camera, but forgot to put the battery in it after it had charged, so I had to use my iPhone and got some really lousy shots. But they're better than nothing! Here he is before we went inside, standing outside the school and looking cute and goofy:

Matthias's dad said he'd be there, but he says that a lot and doesn't show up. So I was trying to, as politely as possible, tell Matthias that his Dad might get busy and don't be too upset if he doesn't show. Well his dad DID come! I was floored! How wonderful! I was so happy for Matthias. I got this shot of Matthias as he was walking in with his class. This is him saying "Daddy really DID come, Mom!"

The program was super cute. The Kindergarten Graduates sang patriotic songs and did a great job. Matthias really loves to sing. But when his class was waiting for the other classes to get their certificates, he was restless and noisy. I LOVE this shot of him talking intently to the suuuper cute girl who was sitting next to him. Of course, you can barely see him, but it's still adorable.
Matthias' class was actually the first class to "walk." Here he is (horrible shot!!!! Dang camera! Plus my iPhone camera skillz are lousy) receiving his certificate from his teacher, Mrs. Glasco:
And posing for photos afterward. Kicking myself for leaving my camera battery home. Grrr.
After the ceremony, parents were invited into Mrs. Glassco's classroom to gather their kids' belongings and get pictures. Here's Matthias sitting for the last time at his table:

And with his awesome teacher, Mrs. Glassco:
Proof that his daddy really DID come!

Also present were: my mother (she left before I could get a picture with her), Matthias's grandpa EJ and Matthias's stepsister, Shelbi. After the graduation, I took Matthias out for icecream. But first, we came home and I got some shots of him in our backyard with a real camera. For your viewing pleasure, the many faces of Matthias:

Doesn't his cuteness make you love him? I LOVE HIM!

More pictures

2011-06-10T18:19:00.002-06:00

Atticus Finch and Anna at bedtime. Anna loves when he sleeps with her. He usually starts out there but always comes to bed with me when I go to bed. Awww.At the park on, like, the first and one of the few warm days this Spring! Anna making friends, as usual, with everyone.
I can't stand how cute he is.
Little poser. And I only mean that in the literal sense.
Ahh! He's soooo cute!

pictures

2011-06-10T18:09:00.002-06:00

because it's been so long since I posted pictures. Thanks, Mel, for the great Christmas present! (a camera)

Here's cute Anna on March 2nd (pajama day at school). Matthias and I went to eat lunch with her at school

March 2nd also, which is Matthias' birthday. I love Anna laughing here. I should crop this photo so she's a cute close-up. Yep, that's my couch. It's so ugly but sooo comfy. I try to hide the ugliness with a sheet. :)
Happy birthday, boychild! He's 6 now. :(
This cracks me up! I told him to show off his missing tooth and this was his face!
Our new dog, Atticus Finch.

The Truth about Rexburg

2011-05-09T21:23:00.003-06:00

I've been meaning to write this post since this whine fest. You remember, the one where I whined about my friend unfriending me from Facebook. Haha. I laugh at myself now, but it was pretty real to me then.

Mostly, I wish to undo this lie, and I quote myself: "Thank goodness for my dearest friend Eileen. If not for her, I'm pretty sure Rexburg would be the biggest waste of my life to date."

I love Eileen. She recently graduated. I was so proud of her! I went Rexburg to visit her and see her graduate.

It's true. Eileen was a very bright spot of my life in Rexburg. She is a woman of unconditional love. She rescued me many a time when I needed transportation for my kids, or food, or a soundboard. She was wonderful. I count her among my dearest friends. She still IS wonderful, by the way. We talk on the phone and on Facebook and she never stops loving me when I fail to call her for several weeks in a row. Without her, my life in Rexburg would have been even darker. True.

However.

While my 2 years in Rexburg was a series of trials, it was NOT a waste of my life. Quite the contrary. While my 2 years in Rexburg felt like 2 years in Hell, it was actually more like a training camp, without which I couldn't have become the person I will become. While it was easy to focus on my constant lack of money, on my loneliness, on my legal problems with my ex, on the stress of full time studenthood, full time motherhood, and full time (sometimes part time) employment, I can now look back on those years with humility and gratitude that my wise and loving Father in Heaven gave me a trial so custom-made to fit my exact needs, that would bring me closer to salvation. In Rexburg, I experienced my first (and I pray it was my last) lay-off. In Rexburg, I couldn't ask Dad to come over and fix my computer or my garbage disposal. In Rexburg, I had to ask near strangers for help and that was humiliating! In Rexburg, I suffered poverty so severe that by all calculations, I should have been living on the streets. I should have starved. I should have lost my phone, my internet, my car, my electricity, my very home. I'm going to tell you, I made $8000 in 2009. $8000!! In a WHOLE YEAR! That's a little embarrassing, so I hesitate to admit it, but it wasn't for lack of trying, I promise you that. $8000 income. YES, that's an enormous trial!

Wait. Back up. I made $8000 in 2009 and I KEPT my apartment? And I didn't starve? And my kids didn't even know that we were exceedingly poor? And we weren't dressed in rags? And I dared call that a burden? I'll tell you what that was- that was a blessing of enormous proportions!

I didn't fail a single class. In fact, I got mostly A's and B's while I was there. What?

Let me tell you about Jennifer.

Mi prima bonita! Jennifer saved my life pretty much every single day while I lived in Rexburg. She is my cousin. Her husband was a student at BYU-I as well and even though she was a very busy SAHM of three young kids, she never turned down a request to babysit so I could just get this paper done, or that assignment ready, or anything. She is so filled with love and compassion that it spills over onto everyone she meets. Especially me, at that time. She had trials of her own, very challenging trials, but even though I was blind to hers, she was not blind to mine. Largely because of her generosity, her desire to help and serve, her limitless compassion, I got through Rexburg. Without her, there's a good chance I would have destroyed myself. I may have buried myself and never exposed myself to the world again. She saved me, every day. Until the devastating day she moved to Alaska. I cried for long time. I only hope someone can be to her now what she was to me then. Dear Jennifer, I love you so much, and I often think of how you saved me and my sweet kids. Never will I be able to repay you. I thank you, I thank you, I thank you. (I'm crying right now, thinking about your godliness!)

Aside from two very wonderful women who taught me love, I also was blessed with a very wonderful bishop who taught me love. My children taught me love and forgiveness. I was grouchy, I was depressed, I was sometimes mean to those sweet little angels. They never held it against me. I had home teachers who taught me love, and visiting teachers who taught me love, and classmates, strangers, professors, and grocery cashiers who taught me love. I had my kids' daycare providers who taught me love.

I interrupt this program to bring you a very important message.
Apple Tree Learning Center in Rexburg, Idaho, is THE BEST daycare center in all of Rexburg, easily. Probably the best in all of Idaho. I tried every daycare center in Rexburg and one home daycare, and Apple Tree is about 100% better than the 2nd best daycare in Rexburg. I love them. My kids loved them.

Okay, back to your regularly scheduled program.

So, anyway. I was surrounded by love. I was never alone. There was even a time when my pad was the happenin' place to be. I had movie night every Tuesday with several friends at my place! What about that is me-ish? 8 or 9 people would show up every week and we'd either watch a flick or play games or nearly burn down my apartment (that's another post). Even now, that seems totally weird. I'd never done that before and there's a good chance I'll never do it again. But, the point is, I was growing.

In fact, that's one of the points of Rexburg. Enormous personal growth. The other point is love. I learned so much about love, and people, and relationships, and connection, and love in those two years. I learned that it is important and maybe vital to be connected to other humans. Well, connection is unavoidable. We ARE connected. To participate in that connection is to live. I still have a ways to go on that lesson, but I couldn't have learned it if I'd stayed in Nampa. I was stuck here. God took me out of this place and planted me somewhere freezing and foreign, and made me start new, and nothing was better for me. I was broken in Rexburg, diminished, humiliated, and crushed, and that's exactly what I needed. Because I am still rebuilding my heart, but this time I'm doing it with God. I'm nearly certain He sent me to Rexburg to destroy me. I was so proud. But as I step back now and see what is rising from the ashes of the rubble and debris created by my time in Rexburg, I can see God's point. I can see how He loves me. It was all for my benefit. He destroyed the prideful, stone-hearted me in order to create something much, much better.

And after He cut me down, He gave me countless lessons about love. Love is what builds us up. Love is how we share God. Love is an investment that is exponentially returned. Maybe not always with a specific person. We all have times when we give someone more love than they give us. And vice versa. But the more love we give, in general, the more love comes to us. Love is God. When I feel the Love of God, I know that everything will be okay. There is nothing better in all the worlds than God's love. As I share love with God's children, He gives His love to me.

And that's the truth about Rexburg.

Day 7 - A picture of your most treasured item

2011-04-24T21:23:00.004-06:00

Remember this? I'm going to finish it now! Haha. I stopped because I got stuck on this one. My most treasured item? This was very hard. I first think of my kids when I think of what I treasure. But I don't think they're items, so that didn't work. People were out. Then I thought maybe the scriptures? But then I remembered I can read those anywhere, online, on my phone, etc., and it's not the physical item itself that I treasure. I could take any old Book of Mormon or Bible and be happy with it. Then I thought maybe my piano. But then I asked myself what I would save in a fire. It wouldn't be my piano. It would be this:

That's an actual picture of my journal, which I just took today. That's another reason I didn't keep up with this; I didn't have a working computer to upload a photo, and I didn't have a working card reader to download a photo from my camera. This one I took with my iPhone anyway, which I just got a few weeks ago. I treasure this item. Inside, it's me. I guess I treasure me. Does that make me a narcissist? It's just that, if my journals were destroyed, I'd have no way to ever replace them. I think their irreplaceable status is what makes my journals my most treasured item.

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T01:02:00.006-06:00

This is my 201st post!

The other day, a very close friend told me my Christian beliefs are "a bunch of crap." Now, since I always believed that she respected my beliefs, and since she is someone I love, it hurt me quite a bit. Jesus Christ and His teachings are such an integral part of me that it felt like she was calling me crap. I know that's not the case. I know she loves me. But it got me thinking.

I love my Savior. I have felt Him guide when I need Him most. I have felt Him guide me when I don't realize how much I need Him. He has come after me to rescue me more often than I should admit. No one else is more dedicated to my happiness! No one. And no one can be.

The Atonement of Christ was for me. I know that if I was the only human to face this test of life, I still would have needed a Savior, because I still would have fallen short of God's expectations. I still would have barred myself from His kingdom. And He still would have atoned for me. Just me. He would have taken upon Him my sins, and my sorrows, and my infirmities. Isaiah 53:3 says "Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows;" Not only did he take on Him the punishment for my transgressions, he also bore my griefs and carried my sorrows. I know this is true. I have seen it. He has taken the pain when I could bear it no more.

I digress momentarily to summarize a little story I wrote. There was a woman who lived in a cottage on a hill, where she ran a bed-and-breakfast. She had no one to take care of her, but she took care of herself quite nicely. She had employees, servants. Well, she was preparing for a big weekend, the biggest of the year, where she would be hosting several guests. Everything had to be perfect- the food, the rooms, the experience. This weekend would support her for the next several months.

One day, she returned from an outing to find that her kitchen had burned down. Everything in it was useless. Every appliance was destroyed, every dish demolished, and all the food wasted. She discovered it was one of her servants who had intentionally set the fire. Of course, she fired him. But that didn't solve any problems.
She was crippled with betrayal, anger, and now her very livelihood had been compromised, all because of someone else's cruelty. She was in her garden, overcome with emotion, when her most trusted servant approached her. "Madam," he said, "Why do you cry? I have restored your kitchen! Everything has been replaced." The woman was confused. That was impossible. The damage wasn't even a day old. She knew her servant must have had good intentions, but she also knew her kitchen was beyond repair. So she went to town and spent her every last dime on appliances and food. She carried it up the hill on her back, everything. The fridge, the stove, the food, the dishes. Finally, she collapsed beneath her burden; she literally could not carry it. While buried, her best servant found her and pulled her out. He said, "I told you I restored your kitchen. I carried everything up this hill already, and replaced all that was destroyed. I told you I did this. Why did you not believe?" and he took her to her kitchen, and she saw that, indeed, all was restored.

Why don't we believe Him, sometimes, when He tells us He's already carried our griefs and borne our sorrows? Why do we sometimes insist on carrying it ourselves? We don't have to. He did it already. He carried it already. How He loves us! We don't need to feel the full pain of betrayal- He bore it already for us! We don't need to suffer in sorrow for loss- He bore it already! Let us give it to Him, He who has taken it already- why should we pay for something that was already purchased for us?

Back to Isaiah 53. Jesus took the hit for us. He was wounded for our transgressions. Bruised for our iniquities. All fall short of qualifying for the Kingdom of God. And so we need a Redeemer. And Jesus was willing. I remember I used to think that He must not have suffered as much for me as He did for others, because He must not love me like He loves others. I couldn't fathom being special enough to anyone to redeem. How could He love me that much? Then I realized how selfish I was being. Did I really think I was the only one in all the world He didn't give everything for? That's ridiculous. Of course He died for me. Individually. He carried my griefs and bore my sorrows. I remember when I realized my marriage was over. The pain was inexpressible. It was thick. I couldn't breathe. The betrayal I felt stung more than words can describe. I couldn't bear it. I fell to my knees and asked my God to take the pain. I told him I didn't want to feel it.

And you know what? He took it. And He could, because Jesus Christ already bore it. I was blessed with peace, immediately, and throughout the divorce process. Oh, you bet I had hard days. You bet I had regrets. But I was able to smile and laugh every single day, because Jesus took my pain.

My Savior Jesus Christ is my light, and the light of the world. He is my Redeemer. He is my comfort. He is my peace. The chastisement of my peace is upon Him. Peace isn't free, someone must pay. Jesus Christ paid. And what good news! I can be free! Because of Jesus Christ, I can be free of pain, of sorrow, of sin, of death. Because of Him, and like Him, I will rise after I die, and live forever in His glory. He is my joy.

And so, when you say my belief in Him is crap, I know I must not take offense. He taught us to not be offended. It's just that without Him, I am nothing, and so when you say it's junk, then you're attacking me, too. And when you say my beliefs are garbage, it feels like you're throwing my Savior away. Since He has given me everything, and also He has given you everything, hearing that is hard. But regardless of your beliefs, He is there. And He loves you. So do I.

Say what you will about Jesus Christ, but don't expect me to stand silent and let you speak ill of Him. He saved me. The least I can do is defend His name.

And in His sacred, powerful name, I close.

image from gregolsenart.com

Matthew 11:28-30

28. Come unto me, all ye that labour and are
heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;
for I am meek and lowly in heart:
and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30.For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

How do you know?

2011-03-13T21:15:00.003-06:00

Have I really not posted since before I moved? Crazy!
Well I have my own house now. I love it. Except that I haven't unpacked yet, and my house is a mess all the time.

Which is most important:
Adding to my meager food storage
Teaching my kids how to work
(learning how to work)
Putting away money for the future
Cleaning my house
Getting my oil changed
Spending more time with the kids and less on the computer
Stopping destructive habits
Serving my neighbor
Learning to control my impulses
Keeping my job by not staying home with my sick kids
Keeping my house clean if/when it ever gets there
Paying my bills
Doing visiting teaching
Having family scripture study
Teaching my kids about Jesus
Being a missionary
Quitting Pepsi
Putting together a 72 hour kit for my kids and me
Deeper study of the scriptures
More meaningful prayer
Eating healthy foods
exercising
forgiving those who've wronged me
Going to the Temple?

I keep having things to add but I'm going to make myself stop there because it's already making me hyperventilate. All those things are important to me, very important to me, and I wish they were a part of who I am but I fail at every one of those things. And I need to do every one of those things. And I need to do them all right now because now is the time to prepare to meet God and if the world is ending and Japan happens in Idaho, I'm going to die and so will my kids because I dont' have a food storage and I don't have a savings and I don't know how to work and my kids don't either and we're all freaking lazy and it's all because of me and we don't know how to be spiritually guarded because we don't have FHE or family scriptures and my car, if it survives, won't be much good because it needs an oil change, and no one can stay at my house if it stands because it's too messy and I don't have enough food to feed them and I'll still want to impulsively do all the things I impulsively do and I won't be able to so i'll be miserable and my kids will be too because they haven't been taught what's really important. And the people I am supposed to visit teach won't trust me and maybe they'll die because of me and I'm going to starve not only because I own't have anything stored but because I am so used to eating whatever I want whenever I want and that's why my blood pressure's a little high and my back hurts and I can't walk or run very far and anyways if I do die I haven't done any of the commandments and I can't do all that list today.

Even though I'm not doing any of the things on that list, it just feels like I'm doing the very best I can. But what am I doing? I don't even know. Nothing, probably.

That is all.

2011-01-30T21:38:00.001-07:00

Why I Hate Twilight

2011-01-29T11:12:00.004-07:00

Knowing that I let (force, maybe?) my opinion of Twilight be heard at any opportunity, I'm surprised I haven't written here about it. Let it now be forever a constellation in cyber space.

First of all, I feel the need to explain that I have read every book in Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn. Therefore, no one can tell me "you can't knock it unless you've read it." I have. I have earned the right to do what I'm about to do. It's like, you can't complain about a president if you stayed home on voting day. You can't complain about a book you've never read. But, again, I read them all.

It all started at Artco, where I worked a few years ago. I had heard of the series but it never really interested me. But every last woman and some men on my team had read the novels. All the women raved and ranted, oh it's so good, it's the best ever ever, you're not cool unless you read it. My friend Ben said it's crap. He read it and he hated it. But he was the one voice among many, many of whom were my trusted friends. So I gave in.

Twilight started out a little dull. But it picked up and the story was fascinating. A family of vampires living in the normal world! Who don't eat people! Fascinating. It got me curious. I was able to look past the heroin's unlikeable-ness, and the wasted words (seriously, the book could have been tremendously condensed by omitting meaningless pages). I was intrigued by the story. Stephenie Meyer started off with a very creative idea. The premise was fascinating. The book wasn't worth the raves it received, but, certainly, it was fascinating.

I should have stopped there.

But then I wouldn't have the right to say what I'm about to say.

First of all, let's talk about Bella. Bella has nothing going for her. She's not all that pretty, she's not all that smart, she's not all that friendly, she's not noble or compassionate or witty or sweet or anything! She's also not evil. She is the flattest character I've ever encountered. Even fans will agree that Bella doesn't have a lot to offer. So why does Edward fall in love with her? I'll come to that.

Now let's talk about Edward. Edward is worshiped by teen girls the world over. This frightens me. Who is Edward, really? He's a vampire, we know that. He's a hundred and something years old, we know that. He catches Bella's attention, we know that. He's good looking. And that is the only thing he has going for him. Is that really why all the girls love him? Because he's hot? Have we really come to that?

Edward is abusive. Go back and read and you'll find many instances where Edward leaves bruises on Bella. I've pointed this out to fans and, inevitably, the fans make excuses for Edward. "He doesn't know his own strength!" they say. To that, I say, So What? Why does that make it okay? He's had all this time to figure out his own strength, why hasn't he? And why, when Bella got hurt the first time he left his mark, didn't he stop? He is abusive. Twilight makes this okay. She makes it okay for girls and women who are in abusive relationships to justify it. Because Edward is abusive, but he's also admired and loved, so it must not be that big of a deal.

Edward is angry. So, so, so angry. He manipulates Bella (probably due to her weak mind). He yells. He freaks out. He's just an angry vampire. To this one may respond "Well wouldn't you be if you were in his shoes?" YES! Yes, I would be! And that would make me unworthy of worship!

Edward is spineless. He was totally okay with Bella cuddling up in a sleeping bag with his nearly nude arch rival. He watched it! And when Bella told him she made out with Jacob (and this was when Bella and Edward were engaged!), he didn't even care. That is BS! Who of us really really want a man who is okay with us making out with other dudes? That's NOT OKAY!!! Twilight makes it okay. Bella pays no consequences for her pre-adultery behavior. She gets whatever she wants and pays no consequences for it. Why wouldn't Edward be jealous? Because he doesn't really care about Bella. And why should he? Again, she has nothing to offer. They're perfect for each other.

Some say well Bella was about to die in that cold mountain and Jacob was the only thing warm around. So he had to warm her up by getting almost naked and climbing in the sleeping bag with her. Um, doesn't Edward run really fast? Couldn't he have flown Bella down the mountain to somewhere safe and warm and run back and missed nothing? Or, better yet, Meyer could have written a different scene where Bella was in peril that didn't require her fiance's rival to get in the sleeping bag with her.

Edward is a liar!! How many times did he lie to Bella? But, it's okay, because he was just trying to protect her. NOT. It is NOT okay to lie in a romantic relationship!

Edward is also a pedophile. He's over a hundred years old when he falls for a 17 year old. I don't care if he looks young, that's still gross.

I really like Alice and Jasper and Carlisle and Esme.

So now that we understand that Edward and Bella are characters devoid of morals, of honor, of true love, and of any sort of depth, we understand their attraction to each other. Birds of a feather.... What I don't understand is how their relationship is so envied and worshiped.

Bella tries to commit suicide. She, again, pays no consequences, and therefore shows the world that it's okay to attempt suicide when you're in love. She hates herself. She totally depends on Edward for emotional stability. This is the exact thing we should be teaching our girls NOT to do. Don't depend on anyone else for your happiness! But.... Twilight says it's okay. And desirable.

Twilight is a feminist's worst nightmare.

Remember the time when Bella tries to seduce Edward? I have actually heard the argument that because of this scene, the book has morality, has LDS values. What? When is seduction okay in the LDS church? In marriage. If it's your spouse you're seducing. When is it okay to talk to others about your bedroom life in LDS culture? NEVER. To display that part of one's life is a mockery, a mockery of sex and what it means, a mockery of marriage even. But that's a different post. Anyway, Bella is trying to convince Edward to sleep with her on the bed and he says no, refuses, and this is why some people say it has LDS values. They do wait till their wedding to have sex, and this is why people say it has LDS values. But, again, their honeymoon is displayed to the world. So. You can't really choose that one time when Edward makes a moral decision and say the series has good Christian values.

Remember how after they get married Jacob comes over all the time and cuddles with Bella on the couch and holds her hand and stuff? How is this justified? (oh yeah, it's justified because Bella is pregnant with Jacob's one true love- more pedophilia! EW!) Edward is there- is that how it's justified? Edward is okay with it- is that justification? Again, if I'm married, and I'm cuddling with some guy on the couch in my home and my husband catches me, and has no negative response whatsoever, I'm going to be convinced he's not in love with me. Either that, or he has no self esteem whatsoever, no self respect. And that's not cool.

Remember Breaking Dawn? What a waste of a book. The ENTIRE book is preparing for a big bad battle between the good vamps and the bad vamps. You're all sorts of pumped up after 500 pages of battle preparation. This gonna be a good battle, you think. But no. There wasn't one. Everything is happily ever after. What a huge let down. I remember once Dad said we're going to Lagoon on Thursday. We were so excited all week, got all ready, Mom even bought me a new pair of sun glasses. I was sooo pumped. We got in the car and drove from our home in Bennion, Ut to Lagoon in Farmington, Ut, which is about a 30 minute drive or so. We got there and it was closed. Oh, I was so disappointed. I was so let down. That's what Breaking Dawn did to me.

Twilight is not allowed in my house. I will encourage my children to never read it in their youth, because children are so impressionable and so are youth. Yeah, they can tell the difference between real and not real, but everything we take in is woven in our subconsciousness, and when you're so young, it's easy to melt that into what's real. And it's easy to think that somewhere in the back of your mind you remember a time when someone somewhere tried to kill herself because she was in love, and that was okay. And you remember that someone somewhere made out with another guy while engaged to someone else and it was okay. These don't come out as full thoughts, but as wordless impressions. And if my kids choose to read it, it won't be in my home, and it will be after a discussion of what is real and what is not, and that consequences do come with choices. And that Bella is the only person in all the world, even in the world of fiction, who doesn't have to pay for her sins in some way.

I can't even say "at least it's well written." It's not well written. It's not poorly written. Well, not very. It is filled with a bunch of meaningless adjectives and meaningless pages. But, for the most part, I wasn't distracted by poor writing. But I wasn't impressed either.

And with that I close mine epistle.

Post Script

2011-01-20T23:50:00.003-07:00

Lately, friends, I have felt like I'm on top of the world. There are many reasons for this. I feel like everything is going my way. I feel like there is finally some order in my life. I feel loved and important for the first time that I can remember. I didn't even realize I felt unimportant until last year or so. But God thinks I'm important. Important enough to save. So. I am.

Things are going better with my family. I'm lighter. Remember how depressed I used to be? I was so depressed! I was so down! I was on anti-depressants for crying out loud! By the way, I will never again question the usefulness of such medication. For the short time I was on citalopram, I was able to focus on stuff that wasn't super dark. I won't even tell you how dark. The meds got me to a point where I realized I'd rather be happy than sad. And so I was able to make better choices.

Anyway. I look back and I can scarcely believe that girl and me are the same person. The difference between now and then is stark to say the least! It wasn't even that long ago. I was still taking the drugs when I moved back to Nampa.

I've been trying very hard to saturate myself with the Spirit of God. It has been a long and difficult process. Difficult because change is difficult. But, my goodness, FOR WHAT WAS I WAITING? I feel so great. There are still so many things dragging me down, so many opportunities for me to hide beneath a mask of constant despair. And sometimes, I'm tempted to go there again. I can't identify why that is. Sometimes, I visit that place briefly. But I hate it there now and I never stay long. I feel like I'm still just outside, though, like my journey of happiness has just begun, and there is so much more ahead of me.

I was talking to my sister about my change of attitude. It was strange, I told her. I didn't understand why I felt this way, why do I feel so good? I have wondered if maybe I'm bipolar, because it seems like a cycle, like I was so very very down for so very very long, and it feels like I've been slowly cycling out of that period. Kinda like: down, down, down, down, UP, down, down, down, UP, down, down UP, UP, down, UP, UP, UP, down, UP! get it? So I thought maybe I was coming out of a depressive state and moving to a manic one. I was telling Melanie how odd it is that I feel so great, but if I was manic, then wouldn't I be more impulsive? Wouldn't I have a hard time sleeping? So while I'm trying to diagnose my strange good feelings, Melanie says, "or maybe you're just happy."

Oh.

You think? Yeah! Yeah, that's it! I'm not sick, I'm just happy! I LOVE BEING HAPPY!

The Next Day

2011-01-20T23:39:00.003-07:00

Wow. I'm exhausted. Good thing I'd taken today off already. Of course, I had planned to use it to move. But, good things happened today. First of all, I went to the temple this morning, and that really set the tone for the rest of the day. After that, I was able to gather a significant amount of circumstantial evidence that I did not live with my ex when he got evicted. This took almost the entire day. I just finished putting everything together to send off to my lender.

I have come to accept that I am liable for the debt. Also, it's not $3000. I was rounding up, but I didn't realize I was rounding up from $2550. That's still a lot, but I started feeling like a liar. So what I owe is $2550. And anyway, I realize now that legally, this is my responsibility. So I probably will end up paying it. Slowly. I just wish someone for once would hold my ex responsible for something. I should just leave that to God.

My lender suggested I write an explanation letter. Did you know there are examples of such letters online? I typed "explanation letter" in Google and Google told me all about FHA loan explanation letters! Sweet. So I had a good launch pad there. And I think my letter rocks. And if I were an underwriter and I read my letter, I'd give me a loan. And a bar of chocolate.

I think I'm winning again. :D

My Day

2011-01-19T19:54:00.003-07:00

I got out of bed at 5:47 like I usually do. Incidentally, this is too late. I'm always so close to being late to work. And my boss freaks out if I clock in at 7:31. But that's another post. I then read from my scriptures, which was, as usual, an empowering experience. Then I got the kids up, got them ready, ate breakfast, got ready myself, and left the house at 6:47 or so. Which is too late. I need to be out of here by 6:30.

Then I dropped the kids off at my brother's house and headed to work. The freeway was particularly frustrating today. The speed limit is 55 due to construction, but usually in the morning people go faster by at least 5. And usually I can smoothly squeeze past the people who insist on being law abiding drivers. And then the construction ends and it's 65 and usually people speed up to 75 or so. Well, this morning, there was a huge memo written across the sky that I missed that said "Stephanie's late. EVERYONE go REALLY slow." And they all did. And they all conspired against me so I could pass no one. I mean, people were going 45 mph and grouping together in a way that I had no choice but to be at their mercy. Hmph.

Miraculously, I made it to work on time.

Well, backing up to last Friday, my Realtor and I did a walk thru at the house I'm buying to check up on all the stuff the sellers said they would fix based on the inspection. That was fun. I still love that house ever so much. So all last week I'd been trying to get a hold of my lender but he wasn't really returning my calls or emails. So Friday I told my Realtor, Abraham, about my troubles and he whipped out his cell and dialed Andy (lender) and got him on the line right away and gave me the phone. Andy told me he still needs documentation showing my child support modification. What? Really? Okay thanks for telling me.

Okay, back to today. Every week, people yell and scream at me on the phone. Sometimes they call me names. Sometimes they cuss. I take it because I know it's not about me. Ever. I'm very calm on the phone. I'm the collections agent you hope you get when you call about a late bill. I'm respectful and understanding. Even when the client is yelling. Often, they'll end up apologizing and thanking me for letting them vent. I don't mind these calls. Other agents get worked up. Not me. But today, I got one that shook me up. Actually, it made me cry. It was an old woman who had never been late but the past 2 months. Her story is this: She and her husband wanted to sell their condo. A company contacted them and told them they would help sell the condo. They called the woman one day and said they think they had a buyer, and they needed $1000 to help the sell go through. She gave them $1000 on her credit card and never heard from them again. No buyer. No company. She calls their number and it's disconnected. She totally got scammed, but since she authorized the $1000 charge, we can't do a thing about it. I suggested she call the police. I'm so worried for her. She doesn't have the money to pay it. She's supporting another family member and their income is so small. My heart broke. How unfair! How cruel! Why are people so cruel? That lady had perfect credit until this mess. NOT HER FAULT. But she's liable. Injustice infuriates me.

So today, on my first break at work, I called the courthouse because I'd been unable to locate these documents. Here's a summary of the conversation:
"Is there any way I can get a copy of my child support court documents?" I ask the lady
"Yes, what's your name?"
I tell her all the info she needs.
"Okay," she says, "I found your file, now what do you need?"
"There should be two modifications. One was for visitation and one was for child support. They're separate. I need the child support one."
"Okay, so I'm finding two--"
"Yes, there should be two. I need the one about child support."
"Okay I'll have to call you back, I'm helping someone else."

On my lunch break, I listened to her voicemail on my phone. She said she found it and it's fifteen pages long. It's a dollar a page and please call her back to let her know if I want a copy of it. First, I called my lender to get an idea of what kind of timeframe I'm looking at for move-in if I can get the child support papers to him tomorrow. No answer, so I left a message. I got off work early today and saw that Andy had left me a voicemail. "Give me a call," it said. "We need to go over some things."

I now summarize our conversation in its simplest (perhaps somewhat fictionalized) form:
"Hi, Andy, got your message, what's up?"
"Remember when you first came into my office and told me about your ex's eviction and back rent on your credit score and I said it shouldn't be a problem?"
"Yeah."
"It's a problem. The underwriters came back with some concerns about it even though I explained the situation. They want to see it paid off."

" ."

"Either that or they want to see proof that you're not liable, that you weren't living there anymore when he stopped paying rent."
"Um."
"Yeah, your life sucks. You're probably not getting this loan unless you pay this collections bill. This is why I've been avoiding you for so long. Good luck with life. I'll probably never see you again."
"Okay bye."
"Bye."

I don't have an extra $3000. I simply don't. And I can't pay it. It's been sitting there on my credit scores for the past 3 years. I disputed it immediately when I first got wind of it. The credit bureaus said I'm liable since I was on the lease, regardless of the fact that I did everything in my power to get off it, and understood that I was, in fact, off the lease. I can't pay it. Furthermore, it's not my fault. I won't pay it. All I can do now is gather as much information as possible to "prove" that I wasn't there and then pray for a miracle.

I figured I'd stop by the courthouse in Caldwell before heading back to Nampa. I called Tiffany back. Here's our conversation:

"I got your message. Fifteen dollars is fine. Just make sure it's the one about child support."
"Okay, now, I just want to make sure. You have two documents-
"About child support?"
"Yes. One of them- nothing's been done with it since 2007."
"Okay, I need the one that was finished in January of 2010."
"January 26th?"
"Probably. The one for child support. Not the one modifying visitation."
"Okay, it's like I said, fifteen dollars plus a dollar to certify it."
"I don't need it certified."
"What's it for?"
"I'm trying to buy a house."
"You better get it certified."
"Okay. I'm on my way there. I'm in Caldwell now. Can I pick it up?"
"Let me call you back."

So I was left to myself to cry about my misfortune, which I did. I tried not to hate my ex. I feel like he did this on purpose. I signed my name off the lease. He said he did too. Then he stopped paying rent. Then he damaged the apartment. Then he got evicted. And I'm responsible. His girlfriend was living there, sleeping on our bed, our sheets that we got at our wedding, and I'M responsible. Why did I believe him? I don't know. So then I did what any woman in my situation would do: I called my bestie and whined. Kim could do little to comfort me but at least she listened, which was what I needed. I just wanted her to say "Don't worry! You'll get your house, bestie! You can provide proof!"

Then my Realtor called me.
"Stephanie, how are things going with Andy?"
"I just got some really bad news." (I told him the news.)
"Just remember, we only have till the 31st."

Then the court lady called me back.
"Okay, I've got the January 10 documents ready."
"Okay, I'm parked outside the courthouse, I'll be right there."
"You're at the courthouse?!"
"Yeah."
"Give me five minutes."

Figuring it would take me five minutes to find the office, I headed inside. My endless pockets in my coat tripped me up at the security station and I, embarrassed, emptied them into a bin. Mostly trash. Gum wrappers. The machine is sensitive to gum wrappers. OH Once I went into the courthouse with a switchblade in my purse! It wasn't detected! I forgot about it till I got home! I could have shanked everyone there! If I can carry a switchblade inside on accident, what can someone sneak in on purpose?

Ahem.

I found the office and went to the window marked "DIVORCE."
"Hi, I just talked to Tiffany. I'm here to pick up some child support documents."
"Did she say it was ready?"
"Yes."
"Just a minute ..................................... Okay it's $15."
I hand her my card.
"Three dollars extra on debit or credit."
"I'll write you a check."
"We don't take checks."
"Fine."

I pay the $18 for my documents and she hands them to me. I fail to investigate the papers till I step into the lobby. It's the wrong documents. It says CLEARLY: "Order to modify judgment and decree of divorce." NOTHING ABOUT CHILD SUPPORT! I have this one already! I know where it is! I couldn't believe the lady didn't copy my child support modification after all our conversations about it! I went back into the office.

"These are the wrong ones. This says nothing about child support. I need the one about child support modification."
"Let me get Tiffany."

Enter Tiffany.
"Please step over here," she says. I do. I explain again that what I actually need are the January 2010 child support modification documents. She slams my huge file down in front of her and opens it up and starts flipping through the pages. About one document in, she finds the one. "This one?" she asks. It is labeled: "Order Modifying Child Support."
"Yes," I say calmly. Serenity now. "That one."

It's five pages. She copies it and hands it to me and crinkles her face and says, "I won't even charge you for that one." If I was in a better mood, I'd have insisted on a refund. But I can't argue when I'm angry.

Twenty dollars and five pages later, I'm leaving the courthouse. While driving back to Nampa, I called the property management company from when I lived at Juniper Court with Randy, the property that's causing all this problem. (I want to note proudly that I remembered their phone number.) I asked if there is anyway I can get information about when I moved out back in 2007. I was given the corporate office number, which I called. Here's that conversation:

"Hi, I'm Stephanie Montano, I lived at Juniper Court and moved out in May of 2007. My ex husband stayed there until November. I'm wondering if I can get documentation of the notice I gave you guys when I moved out, and then of how long my ex stayed after that as well."
"Um, well, can you fax me your requests?"
"Sure, I guess."
"It's just that I want to be sure you are who you say you are."
"So you need a fax?"
"Yes."
"With just my signature or something?"
"Sure, just your questions, and we'll fax the answers back."
"Okay... "
I got the fax number. I still haven't faxed anything because I don't know how sending a fax proves my identity. I think that's so weird. But I'm going to do it tomorrow anyway.

I called the landlords of the place I moved to from Juniper Court. They've already provided documentation of my move-in and move-out date. I hope that helps. I just don't know what to do. This is so unfair. It's not my fault. I'm paying the price for someone else's dishonesty, AGAIN, and that's not fair!

When has life ever been fair?

And when has God ever let me down? NEVER! And so, dear friends, I know that all will be well. I will rest peacefully tonight knowing that my Father in Heaven will take care of my family. How many times have I faced a seemingly insurmountable mountain, and climbed it? How many times has my God delivered me from devastation? I can't count the miracles I've been blessed with in life, but I think I'll soon have another one to add to the list. I think that house is mine, God willing.

But that's the thing. God is willing. Nay, He's eager. Eager to help His children. And so, I know that whatever happens will be for my good, and for the good of my family. Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we are about to witness a miracle. I believe I will be moving into that house by the end of the month. I've been praying for this since November. If it doesn't work out the way I want, God will provide another route. And I'll look back and say "thank goodness it didn't work out the way I wanted it to."

But, in this case, I think the house is mine.

Day 6 - A picture of something you'd like to do again

2011-01-17T21:43:00.002-07:00

Create your own FACEinHOLE

I couldn't make the man have a face, but this works too.

Day 5 - A picture of your favorite memory

2011-01-16T20:57:00.002-07:00

Don't reckon I know what my favorite memory is. But, a lot of the best memories of my childhood happened here: my grandma and grandpa Martin's house in Blackfoot, Idaho. There were Thanksgivings, cousins, cool bedrooms, old toys, icecream and warmth.

Day 4 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn't have

2011-01-15T22:00:00.002-07:00

image from technorati.com

Day 3 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

2011-01-15T21:57:00.002-07:00

Missed yesterday. I think this is my favorite show. And I got this photo from guardian.co.uk. Seinfeld was brilliant.

Day 2 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

2011-01-13T22:48:00.004-07:00

this one was hard. I haven't been very close to very many people for very long. So I guess this works. Anna. 7 years. We're tight. This is my favorite picture of us. She's in one of her princess dresses. I cut both our bangs that day.

Picture Challenge!

2011-01-12T17:33:00.003-07:00

My cousin is doing this on Facebook. I thought it'd be fun to do here. Every day for 30 days, a picture, of the life and times of Yours Truly. Today is Day One, which is,
A Picture of Yourself with fifteen facts.

flattering, right? Ha. 15 Facts? Okay. Fun. Prepare for randomness.

1. I'm falling in love with Atticus Finch. Again.
2. My kids are cute. This is not subjective. Fact.
3. If I had a baby girl right now, I would name her Lila Brielle.
4. If I had a baby boy right now, I would name him Tyrus.
5. I'm not pregnant.
6. I don't actually want another kid right now.
7. My life is brilliant.
8. Jesus is my Redeemer! And He lives!
9. One of my brothers is in Mexico right now and he's going to bring me back something awesome. I asked for a nice looking Mexican, but we'll see.
10. If I got a dog right now, and it was a boy, I would name him Atticus Finch.
11. I'm going to lose weight this year
12. When I play cards, I have to have all the cards facing the same direction. That's why I love cards that are the same upside-down AND right-side- up.
13. I've never been to Boston in the Fall
14. I'm going to try to go to Alaska this year
15. I'm buying a house!

Thank goodness that's over with. Talking about myself is excruciating. ;)

Day 1- A picture of yourself with fifteen facts
Day 2 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest
Day 3 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show
Day 4 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn't have
Day 5 - A picture of your favorite memory
Day 6 - A picture of something you'd like to do again
Day 7 - A picture of your most treasured item
Day 8 - A picture that makes you laugh
Day 9 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most crazy things with
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate
Day 12 - A picture of something you love
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity
Day 19 - A picture of a phrase you live by
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change
Day 25 - A picture of your day
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

1.11.11

2011-01-11T14:01:00.002-07:00

I had to write a post on January 11 2011. So I will use this opportunity to solicit your prayers/positive thinking/hope on my behalf.

My lender keeps asking for more and more and more stuff. It's a nightmare getting everything together. But even more worrisome, everything he's asking for will possibly not point to my ability to repay a loan. I have the ability. But I'm worried some of these things he's requesting will suggest otherwise. I'm probably over-reacting. But I'm a little bit freaking out. I have to get this house! Send me a positive thought and a good wish, would ya? Prayers, if you would!

Many thanks,
~Stephanie

So they really ARE siblings

2011-01-10T22:16:00.002-07:00

Matthias has Kindergarten on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and sometimes Fridays. Full days. I prefer the every day half day schedule, but nothin I can do. Anyway, here's one of our conversations today-

Me: Kids, you both have school tomorrow.
Anna: ooooh, I hate it when Matthias has school, too.
Me: Why?
Anna: Because he's so annoying!
Me: What does he do?
Anna: Whenever he sees me at lunch, he says "Hi, Anna!"
Me, laughing: But, Anna, he's just excited to see you.
Anna: I know, but it's annoying.
Me: But that's exactly what I would do. If I saw you, I would be excited, and I'd say "Hi, Anna!"
Anna: I would like that. You're not annoying.

Me: He just wants to say hi because he loves you.
Anna: Well I love 'im too, he's just annoying sometimes.

Sigh. I guess I can't force her to say hi back to her brother. I tried to convince her to be proud of him, but her answer was the same as all her other ones "I am proud of him, but he's annoying." All the while Matthias was sitting quietly, seemingly unaffected either way. Remember when your younger siblings were annoying, and it wasn't okay for them to address you in public? I do. Also, Jem told Scout when she started school that she was not to approach him till school was over. (Do you wonder, sometimes, if I reference To Kill a Mockingbird too frequently?)What is the reason for this? Even though I did the same thing, I can't find a reason for it.

Ah well. My kids are the cutest, even when they're annoying. :)

Her Name is Lovin' Katie: a story of friendship

2011-01-10T19:17:00.007-07:00

Church girl's camp, 1998. We sang many a silly song. One of them went something like:

Her name is Lovin' Katie
She's a red hot lady
She's the hottest girl in to-own
And when it comes to lovin
She's a human oven
And she'll burn you right down to the ground.
Spoken: psssssh, Ashes, baby!

Inevitably, when we sang this not very church-ish church camp song, my thoughts would turn to Katie. Not the one this song's about, but about my best friend in Utah.

That was over ten years ago. Sometimes I still think about that song, and when I do, I think about Katie, and since I'm on the topic of Katie and songs, I think of the silly songs she taught me. Like this one:

She died, she did, she died of a broken rib, she did!
She died, she did, she died of a broken rib, she did!
I know she did, she said she did, she showed me where she slipped and slid...

And, one of my favorites:

Around the corner
Behind the tree
A handsome major
Once said to me,
"Who'd marry you?
I'd like to know,
'Cause every time I look at your face
It makes me want to go
[Repeat from the top]

And then I remember the silly little endless question she used to say: "Life? What's life?" "A magazine." "how much?" "fifty cents" "too much." "That's life." "Life? What's life?" "A magazine...." And etc.

Those are pretty silly, aren't they? But, so were we. My first memory of Katie took place on the playground at Bennion Elementary School. Kindergarten. So woulda been 1986. We weren't in the same class. But I asked her why she needed glasses. She pointed to some far off landmark and asked if I could see it. I answered to the affirmative. She replied, "I can't." Now, I have a lot of memories of my childhood that have since been proven incorrect. I attribute this to a very powerful imagination, of which I am not ashamed. So, maybe this memory is skewed. Maybe it's several memories mixed together. Nonetheless, it's been sitting in the corners of my sub-conscious for decades now, exactly in the way I have here written. Besides, Katie was always saying clever things, so it's not like such a comment was beyond her, even at five years old.

It wasn't till we were 11 or 12 that we became friends. I speculate we were drawn to each other because we were the hated ones among our peers at church. We were hated for no other reason than that we were good, and stayed in our seats for the duration of class time. One day, Katie invited me to go swimming at her house. I felt honored. I knew no one else who had a swimming pool at her house. That day, after swimming, Katie put her arm around me and prophesied in a Humphrey Bogart manner: "this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

Indeed, it was. She was my first true best friend. I JUST now had a fun realization. My first best friend was Katie. I didn't get a new best friend till I met Kerrie. And now there's Kim! They all start with K! Yeah, I know, only I....

Anyway. Katie and I spent hours together, most of which were at her house. It did have a pool, after all. We would play with her Polly Pockets. We would play with her guinea pig. No, wait! It was a hedgehog. Maybe both....? We would listen to Carly Simon. We would walk to Holiday (a convenience store I've only ever seen in Utah) and buy Slurpies. Even in the winter. We went on bike rides. We discussed baby names. We talked about bras and periods and boys. Our birthdays were six days apart, and I thought that was neat. We played Hugger Mugger. We had a halfway tree, which marked the halfway point between our houses. I thought she was so cool.

When we were 14, I delivered the news that my family was moving to Idaho. And I had to go with them. This move was the first hard thing I ever did in my life. And it was hard. Katie insisted that I was wrong; I would not be moving. We bet a ten- page letter. I moved, shortly after we turned 15. 1996. April 26, 1996. She wrote me a ten-page letter. I still have it. Sometimes I review it and laugh and miss Katie. I miss her, because, you see, she got married. I was invited to her reception in 2002 I think it was, and I made a trip to Utah to attend, but I got lost. This adventure is a crazy story which I will likely share in another post. I never found the church. I dropped her gift off at her parents', and never heard from her again.

Over the years, I have tried various popular methods of old-friend-locating. No success. THEN about a year or two ago I found her little sister on Facebook. I sent her a friend request which she never responded to. But THEN, last week-ish [my concept of time lately is so very, very skewed], I was FB stalking her little sister and found a comment from her aunt. I remember this aunt. I remember Katie telling me she was full of life and often threw her hands in the air. I sent this aunt a message. Two days later, an unfamiliar email address was in my inbox, with the title reading "I am Katie."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear friends, since then, we have been catching up via email. I am so relieved to find her happy and well, and still clever! It has been a joy to reunite, even if by text only, a joy in a way I didn't anticipate. I knew it would rock, oh yes I did. But, it's been so great finding out she's still Katie! And I still love her and she still loves me and we are so still friends.

In one of her emails, she reminded me that we had decided we would both name our first daughter Jessica. I hadn't recalled. But I do remember that was my favorite name during those years. Well, we didn't name anyone Jessica. I named my daughter Anna, and she named her daughter . . . (drum roll, please) . . . Anna! Ha!

My son was born on her birthday, six days after mine. Also, incidentally, it's Dr. Suess's birthday.

Dude. Or, rather, Dude-a-rad. (that's an inside joke between Katie and me only, yo.)

Dear Katie, I hope you don't mind this all-about-you post.

Dear Future Husband

2011-01-04T20:12:00.002-07:00

Dear Future Husband,

I have come to accept that I may never meet you in this life. But, if I do, here is the kind of wife I will be:

I will love you wholly, fully, unashamedly, uninhibitedly, unreservedly. It may take me a while to let all my love out. I may reserve some love for a time until I believe I can trust you with it, or until I believe that trusting you with it is worth the risk. But, before I become your wife, I will commit to loving you with all of me. I will hold nothing back.

I will be proud of you. I will speak highly of you to everyone when I speak of you. I will never shame you in the presence of others, whether or not you're there.

I will encourage you. I will respect you. I will listen to you and put myself in your shoes if we have differing views. I will speak with you logically, and I will remind you that emotions are important too. I will validate you.

I will cook delicious dinners for you. I will wash your clothes and match up your socks. I will bear your children and love them with all the love that I possess. I will teach them about Jesus Christ. I will teach them about life. I will give them an education to be proud of. I will teach them, by my example, that you, as their father and step father, are a man of honor, and a man to look up to, and a man worthy of imitation.

I will clean our house. That will be hard because I hate to clean. But, as I imagine it, I will have so much respect for you that I will seek to make your time at home as pleasant as possible, and that will include a clean house. And so, dear husband, I will clean for you.

I will even pack your lunches in the morning before you go to work. If you want me to.

I will love you exactly as you are, but I will hope for your improvement, as we are all imperfect. I will expect you to continuously improve yourself. I will expect you to expect this of me.

I will go where you want me to go.

I will rub your feet, and your back. I'm really good at massages, you know.

On your birthday, I will make your favorite dinner. On your birthday, and other occasions, I will come up with silly and creative ways to show my love, such as scavenger hunts around the house or the town, surprising you with a short get-away, writing you a song.

I will write you poetry. I will play the piano for you. When you cry, I will cry with you. When you laugh, I will too. I will love you the same when you go bald. I'll sew buttons on your clothes. I will tell you you look amazing.

I will kiss you all the time. When you come home from work, I'll greet you with a kiss. Before you go to bed I will tell you I love you. I will hold your hand and walk with you. I'll share the quietest parts of me with you. I'll be the best you ever had.

I'll watch action movies with you. If you want, I'll even watch a football game with you every so often.

I will pray with you and I'll pray for you. I'll read with you. I will love your family.

I'll wash your car for you.

You will be the best thing about my life. I will support you in your decisions, all the time. If you tell me I'm doing too much, I will listen. If you tell me I'm not doing enough, I will listen. I'll bring you a glass of water when you're thirsty. I will be interested in your job and in your hobbies, even if I don't always want to participate in them.

All I want from you, dear man, is the following:

Faithfulness. I want you to love God with all your heart, and love me second best, second ONLY to God the Father and His Son, and none else. I will place you in the same spot. I want you to take me Home.

Your heart. I want you to share everything about you with me. I want to be the first one you tell when you get a promotion, or when you get a flat tire on your bike. I want to be the one you want to be with, everywhere you go.

Your Eyes. I want to be the only woman you look at, look for. You will of course be the only man I seek.

Your Ears. I want to be able to trust you with anything I have to say. I want you to be interested in what I have to say.

Your lips. So I can kiss them all the time.

Your mind. So I can discuss things with you, things that are deep and serious, things that are light and fun. I hope you know who Atticus Finch is, and I hope you love something by a famous artist. But that's not necessary. I just need you to be of slightly above-average intelligence.

Integrity. I want you to be man of honor, and I want you to honor me. I need for you to not lie to me, or anyone. I want you to be true to yourself and to your God.

Security, financial. I want to be a stay at home mom. It's very important to me that you have a job, a career, that will support a family. I want you to take this obligation seriously, and to gladly take on that responsibility- the one of supporting your family. Within reason. Mainly, I don't want you to think it's cool to support your family with the State's funds. Relying on food stamps is not cool. Relying on medicaid is not cool. I won't marry you if you think it is. I want you to have some pride, pride in supporting your family by the work of your hands, or of your mind, whatever it may be.

Security, emotional. I want to count on you. If you say you'll call me, call me. Be where you say you'll be when you say you'll be there. This goes along with integrity.

I expect a lot, but I'm willing to give a lot. It is possible that you don't exist for me in this life. That's okay. I'll wait.

With all the love that I possess,
your wife.

The dream I never dared to dream

2010-12-19T00:18:00.004-07:00

The house is mine! Okay, I guess nothing is official until I have the keys and I'm walking over that threshold. But... The offer of 65k was countered and after some negotiation, we ended up at 68.4k, buyer to pay closing costs. Not bad 't'all. I'm really excited. The house will be MINE and my mortgage payment will be less than my rent!

What a blessing this is! My lender was anything but optimistic that I'd get approved, what with my credit stains. But I was approved! And I am buying a home!

Closing date is January 18. My house is getting inspected on Monday. My house.... "My house..." I'm a single mom without a college degree in my 20's (okay, only for another few months, but still!) and I'm going to have a place I can call "MY house!" For so many years, this was never even a goal because I didn't think it would be possible. Really, it's only been since I moved back to Nampa that I started thinking "hmm.... I wonder if I could buy a house. Yeah right! That would be pretty cool though."

And now, not even a year after my return to this great city, the dream I didn't dare to dream is coming true!

I can put as many nails in the wall as I want to.

New House!

2010-12-11T15:40:00.004-07:00

Well, I'm going to buy a house. I never thought that I would ever buy a house as a single mom, ever! I'm soooooo excited! First, I thought I'd be approved for an awesome loan that would be $500 down. But, then, because of my ex's fiasco with our apartment (long story short: I moved out in April of 2007, he moved his girlfriend in in May, I signed off the lease, he said he'd signed too, it was a lie, so in Nov when he and his gf were evicted, all his back rent and damages hit my credit, where it still sits, despite my dispute), my lender said I don't qualify. So he ran it through for another loan, and I qualified for 3.5% down, which is still pretty great!

I put in an offer today for the house I want sooo bad. Here it is!

Pretty cute, right? Yes it's small. Just over 1000 sq ft. But other than that, it's perfect!

There's the living room. This is the only thing I wish was bigger. I can handle small bedrooms, kitchen, bathrooms, etc. But I'd really like this room to be bigger. But, really, it's not too bad. I could fit a furniture set and my piano easily enough.

There's the dining area. I like the floor.

Kitchen. Don't mind the smallness but I wish there was more counter space. Eventually, I'd put in an island between the kitchen and dining area to add more counter space. Notice the refrigerator and microwave already in the house!!

Master bedroom above.

Main bath above. There's also a master bath which is very similar.

Cool laundry room that leads to the 2 car garage. And includes a sink. Awesome!
Covered patio.

And check it:
Yeah, that's a 2 story playhouse with a slide coming out of it, and a huge storage shed!

I LOVE THIS HOUSE! It's listed at $70k, we offered 65. I'll know if the offer was accepted no later than Tuesday. WOO HOO!

Reflections

2010-11-30T12:38:00.003-07:00

Unintentionally, this post relates to the one former. I've done some thinking. I think I should think more often. It's very satisfying. And anyway, I've come to some conclusions. Nothing about my thoughts are new, but to me, they are realizations, and are, therefore, enlightening. Which is always fun.

So, I'm single, and have been for 3.5 years. Being a single mom when you're not married is much easier than being a single mom in marriage. I don't pity my single motherhood, for I've done it pretty much since my daughter was born. I enjoy it a lot more now than I did during marriage. I'm better off financially than I was when I was married!!

Excuse my tangent.

Here's the thing: Just because I'm single, doesn't mean I am supposed to do things alone, by myself.

I feel anxiety when I think that someone else has to do something for me. I get all wadded up inside when I need help with my car or with my kids, or, especially, with money. Thankfully, I've not needed the latter much since I moved from Rexburg.

But anyway, today I realized that no one is meant to do this life alone. If that was the case, we'd all be provided with our own planets, or other large geographical space, and be expected to navigate it on our own, and equipped with everything we'd need to do so. However, that is not the case. In the garden of life, to some of us is given a ho, shovel, and rake. To others it is given seeds. And to others, it is given a watering can. Not one of us has every tool necessary to make it through this journey. We must rely on others. We must help others. Together, we can create a beautiful, satisfying, highly successful garden. Alone we can do nothing, and will die.

And so, next time I'm camping with my family and they help me set up my tent, I'll happily allow the help, rather than silently bemoan my lack of tent-setting-up skills; rather than mightily hoping they won't be secretly upset with me for requiring assistance. Eventually, with this attitude, I think I'll be able to release the anxiety that accompanies me when others help me.

And if you're not willing to help me set up my tent, or help me plant my garden, that's fine. I'll find someone else who is. Because, not only am I literally unable to do it myself, I'm also not supposed to do it myself. I'll share my garden tools with you, will you share your water with me?

Now, sometimes, we can offer more help to someone than he or she can to us. Conversely, sometimes, someone else will be able to give us more than we can return. I've learned that this is okay. This equals out in the grand scheme of things. For example, take my friend Lee from my previous post. Lee has a beautiful garden. It's not complete. Well, I didn't have many carrots or potatoes. But Lee had plenty. And he gave them to me so I could use them in my garden. I have shovels and little rakes and even gloves. But Lee had those already. He didn't need anything of mine. Someone else has what he needs. While that's all going on, someone else I know perhaps is lacking tools, so I can give him or her what I have, and perhaps that person has lots of corn and beans, but so do I. And so, from that person, I simply don't need what s/he can offer. And that happens sometimes, and that's ok. I can only take so many of Lee's carrots and potatoes before he needs to stop sharing them with me, and before I have enough.

And SOMETIMES, we have enough of something; we just don't know what to do with it, or we just use it incorrectly, and so we think we need more, when really we only need to cultivate it wisely.

And, so, I forgive Lee. He helped me so much, but there was little I could do for him. And that's really really okay. There's not much more he can do for me, nothing that he's done already, and I don't need him anymore. And so it's okay for us to take the natural courses of our lives, which simply do not logically, or otherwise, include each other.

That was a fun little garden analogy. Needs some work, but it was fun. :)

shameless, childish VENT

2010-11-18T21:29:00.003-07:00

When I moved to Rexburg in June of 2008, life was great for the first few months while I lived off my tax returns and hung out with my kids all day every day. Then I started looking for a job. Then, life sucked, from that moment on, till the day I moved home in April of 2010.

One bright spot in my Rexburg life was Lee. I started working at Deseret Industries in April of 2009, three months after I'd been laid off from my first horrid Rexburg job. All jobs in Rexburg are horrid. The first employee I met there was Lee. He was the "Developmental Specialist." Lee is married and has beautiful kids and there was never anything sexual or romantic or otherwise improper, not even remotely, in our relationship. But, there was something special, I believed. D.I. is kinda a place for kids who need help in some form or another. I thought I was one of the few normal folks who worked there, but as it happened, I needed help. I was an emotional, psychological mess. Lee was just the person for such a mess as he has an education in psychology, and a naturally compassionate disposition.

Some months when I lived in Rexburg were so very, very dark, that I really think Lee may have saved my life, in a way or two. He listened like no one else EVER had. I believed him when he told me I was important, and lovable, and that he cared.

And, you know, the act of "unfriending" on Facebook shouldn't mean a thing, except that it does, when it's by someone you believed when he said he cared.

maybe caring was just part of his job description.

As stupid as it is, it leaves me to wonder what the heck my purpose in Rexburg was. I spent 2 miserable years there. And now, one of the only reasons I look back on Rexburg with any degree of fondness disappears from my life? I did nothing for Rexburg and it did almost nothing for me.

Thank goodness for my dearest friend Eileen. If not for her, I'm pretty sure Rexburg would be the biggest waste of my life to date.

I wonder why Lee unfriended me. But I don't want to know.

Fall 2010 Update

2010-11-06T23:08:00.003-06:00

I don't blog as often because I don't have pictures to post. That's because my camera doesn't work very well. Sad.

Well right now I'm looking to buy a house. Here's how I feel about that: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so excited. I wish I could have a house right now. But, no, there's loans and processes and blah blah blah. My goal/desire/wish-upon-a-star is to have my own place by Christmas.

Speaking of wishing on a star, do you remember when you believed that wishing on a star worked? And no matter how many times you didn't get your wish, you wished again anyway? Anna is in that stage now. She wishes on a star all the time. She whispers her wish (because, of course, if you say it out loud, it won't come true), and usually I can't hear it. And I won't think to ask her to break the rules and tell me what her wish is, though I usually really do want to know. But the other night, I heard her wish. She wished for powers.

Haha! She's so cute. Her favorite power is one that she made up, and that is the power to change her dolls, stuffed animals, ponies and any other toy (including Legos) into living things, and the power to change animals into people. And then the power to change them back whenever she wants. Once I asked her if she could have any power what would it be. Her response: "Actually, endless powers."

Anna's birthday is in about 6 weeks and I can't wait. I love her birthday.

Well, my sister is getting a divorce. I'm sad and I worry about her because she's better than I am and doesn't deserve the hell of divorce. I didn't deserve it either but Melanie is just -- well I don't know really but it just seems like more of an injustice with her than me. Plus, I know what it's like and I wouldn't wish the raw pain that I went through on anyone. Especially not someone I love.

So I don't know what to do to help her but I wish I could just make it all go away.

I'm still single! So very, very single. There was this guy that I had a little hope in for a while. I found him on eHarmony. (BTW, eHarmony is WAY better than LDSsingles). We never actually met in person since he lives in Colorado, but after a month of talking online and on the phone (this was September), he was planning a visit so we could meet. He seemed so perfect. He was LDS, smart, funny, had a career (you know, a real job that could actually support a family), he seemed so respectful and sweet. He was intelligent. And we had some really great conversations. But things got a little weird. He started making comments that were, to me, inappropriate for our stage in the (non-) relationship. I simply told him I felt that way and he got defensive. Then I realized he was a human and not a demigod and shoot, I can find humans all over the place; I don't need one outta Colorado. Then I realized I don't know him at all and he doesn't know me at all and to be very honest, I had a crazy episode which involved realizing that if he's human, he can break my heart. Not that there was much of an investment, but he was the closest thing to a relationship I've had in over three years. Well, come to find out, I'm not ready for a heart break. I thought I was. But I'm not. And, so, I'm not ready to risk a heart break. And so, I'm not ready for a relationship. At all.

He wasn't a bad guy. Maybe. I guess I don't really know. Luckily for me, he also decided he wasn't ready to come out and meet me, and he told me that, sparing me the job.

It was kinda a blow. Really? I'm not ready for love? It's been almost FOUR YEARS since my ex husband left. How can I not be ready? How can I not be healed? What is the matter with me? So.

Live and learn!! If there's a next time, he'll be local.

There's no one right now. I don't even have a crush. I don't know of anyone around here that I'd be interested in dating. That's depressing because I know a LOT of single ladies, most of whom feel the same way: not really any single guys around here worth dating. Well... there is this guy in my ward I'm curious about. I don't even know his name, but I'm 98% sure he's single. He shines, so that's why I'm curious about him. I want to know howcome he's shiny. He seems shy and sweet and always has on a nice suit. But mostly, he shines.

Moving on. I have been homeschooling my kids. But my schooling leaves a lot to be desired. My kids are very smart. Both of them are reading at a level higher than their own grade. Both know addition and subtraction pretty dang well. They can even tell you what waning crescent and waxing gibbous means, and they can define Soprano, Alto, Tenor and Bass. Okay, so that's not really relevant for the 1st grade, but come on: that's impressive. The reason I'm homeschooling them is because I work 1:30 Pm to 10:00 Pm. Meaning, if they went to school, I would NEVER see them. But, the mornings are when I do my errands, chores, all that stuff, why did I ever think I could educate my kids? It's just not working out so well. I need a day shift SO bad. I'm really working on it.

Um.... must-read books for you: DaVinci Code. Kite Runner. A Thousand Splendid Suns. But Hunger Games wasn't as good as it was cracked up to be. I only read the first and I've no desire to continue the series.

That is all.

Names Vent

2010-08-13T17:34:00.003-06:00

Disclaimer: This post contains my opinion. This post doesn't matter. If you disagree with my opinion, we can still be friends, I hope. I do pretend to be an authority on names, but I guess I'm not really, so please don't take anything here personally!

First of all, I dislike trendy names. Sometimes I like the actual names, but hate the trend. For example, I think the name Michaela is very cute. I can even abide SOME of the alternate spellings, like Mikayla. Remember when everyone was naming their girls some form of Michaela? I don't think that's cool.

I especially hate boy names used on girls, especially when it's trendy. Madison is the perfect example. There is nothing about Madison that looks or sounds feminine. It has the word "son" in it for crying out loud! Other masculine names I hate when used for girls are Morgan, Jordan, Jaden, Addison, Kadin, Riley, Payton(!!) and Taylor. How is Taylor feminine?

I also hate when people add the letter 'y' to a perfectly masculine name and apply it to their baby son. Like "Jordyn." Suddenly, the boy name LOOKS girlish. Sure, it's cutesy now, but when Jordyn is in Jr High, everyone will call him a girl. However, if you must use a boy name for your girl, then by all means, add a y. Madisyn actually LOOKS girly. Still sounds like a boy though.

I now conclude my name vent.

Funny Words

2010-08-12T23:48:00.002-06:00

On the drive home from our vaycay to Utah (details to come), I tuned into my kids' imaginary play at about this point:

Anna: This is Kelly at The Ice Scoop, how can I help you?

Matthias: I would like some ice.

Anna: Really?

Matthias: Yes.

Anna: Okay. And then I got you some ice to your door....

Matthias: But it wasn't very much....

Anna: Uh-huh, it's a lot.

Then there was something about a snowman in a bucket.

ALSO. We wished on a star tonight. It was very bright and not the North Star so I think it's a planet. I told the kids I think it's a planet because it's bigger and brighter than the other stars. We did the whole "Starlight, Star Bright, first star I see tonight" thing anyway, even though it's not a star. Matthias wished for a puppy named Alexander with a collar. He said he knows he'll get one. Anna said "If his wish doesn't come true, it's a planet."

ALSO. We drove past Costco. Matthias read "Costco." Then he pointed out that there's a 't' in it, and so it says "Cost-co, not Cosco." Yes, son. Yes, that's right. I'm a little embarrassed that I've had nothing to do with my son learning how to read. I'm really not sure when it happened but he's surprising me all the time with the stuff he reads.

I love them. Ever so much.

LONG WEEK

2010-08-01T14:26:00.003-06:00

Well on Monday, I dropped the kids off to Randy's for the whole week. He's supposed to have the kids four weeks in the summer but he's only taking them this week, which is fine by me. He never said anything so neither did I. Until last week. Suddenly he wanted to exercise his summer visitation even though the summer's almost over.

This has been a long week. So so long. Excruciating. I miss my kids so much. I get them back today and I can't wait. Only, Randy called today and said Anna wants to talk to me. So Anna asked if she can stay another few days at daddy's because she doesn't want to come home.

And so my heart broke but I kept a steady voice (somehow) and told her no, it's time to come home. She started to cry. And cry and cry and cry. And I wonder how can she possibly not want to come home? I must not be as awesome as I thought. :(

So I'm way bummed now. I'm makin the kids cookies now, and I hope Anna will be happy when she gets here, but I think she'll cry again. Even with the cookies. And dinner. FROWN.

PS Today I deactivated my Facebook account. Wonder how long it'll last. :)

Brief Update

2010-05-13T10:38:00.002-06:00

WELL we are here in Nampa and have been for nearly 6 weeks. I think I can speak for all of us when I say we LOVE it! Anna had a really hard time leaving her friends in Rexburg, but she's made a ton of new friends here already and she's okay now.
Our house is SO cute. I live with an old acquaintance, Sarina. She owns this adorable 3 bedroom house and lived here alone till I and my children joined her. We get the other 2 bedrooms and we all share the living room, kitchen and yard. But it's more like I live here alone because Sarina's work schedule conflicts with mine and we never see eachother unless I have a day off. And the rent is ever so reasonable.

The neighborhood is fantastic. We live in a cul-de-sac and there's a bunch of little kids here too. How perfect is that for a kid?

Leaving Rexburg was interesting. I thought I had a lot of friends. But, looking back, I think of that country song, "You Find out who Your Friends Are." That's for sure. The friends I thought were closest didn't even come to say goodbye to me, let alone help me move. Many of them stopped by to take something off my hands that I was getting rid of (a bed, a wedding dress, two paintings) but that was it. They grabbed my stuff and left. I was surprised. Even the friends who claimed they would cry when I left didn't come help me move. Maybe they meant cry for joy. ;) I'm not all butt hurt about it-- okay, I admit, at first I was-- but it really did surprise me. Only a handful of the people I met in Rexburg are true friends, and for them I am so very grateful. It was just kinda a wake up call for me. A time to re-evaluate my friend-making method and adjust some things for the future. Mostly I realized that I trust people too early. I invest a lot into relationships without indication that there will be a return. That will change. :)

BUT, with the help of my family, my cousin and her boyfriend, and my friend BEN STODDARD the rockstar, we moved.

I began training at my job the following Monday. Training was a drag but after five weeks of that, I'm finally taking phone calls on the floor and I really dig my job. I even like my shift, 1:30 to 10:00 pm. I get the whole morning with my kids and then get to hang out with awesome folks at work all night.

At first, my ex husband was watching the kids while I worked. He wanted to, and that surprised and impressed me, so that's what we did. But it became ridiculous. The kids hated it; Matthias cried most mornings. They just didn't wanna go to Daddy's every day. And he became so unreasonable with his requests (park at this exact location when dropping them off and picking them up, don't talk to me, don't ask how the kids did that day, don't request he do anything for the kids, sign up Anna for free lunch at school or else, let me have the kids on foodstamps, etc.) so I got them enrolled in daycare where I was free to inquire about my children and park wherever I wanted, and where the kids looked forward to going in the morning. For a while. Soon I lost respect for the daycare and their methods (boy, do I sound picky or what?). The teachers didn't seem at all invested in my children and I am insulted by that. They over promised and under delivered. So, when my sister-in-law offered to watch the kids for a very low price, I pulled them out of that daycare too. And now everyone is happy with Christine and Chris. My kids LOVE going there and I know I can trust her and it's a great deal. I'm VERY grateful for her service. She's so amazing.

Well my ex was VERY upset with me for putting the kids in daycare so he told me he will never take the kids for his scheduled weekends again until I change. In other words, when I give him control again, he'll take the kids on his weekends. In other words, if he can't have the kids when I'm working, he doen'st want to see them at all. Logical, right? He's made good on his word and has skipped his past 2 weekends. So far, the kids don't mind, but soon they'll start to miss him and then I don't know what I'll do or how I'll explain that they can't go to their daddy's.

So much for "brief" huh? I need to play with my kids before I go to work. Off we go!

Happy!!!

2010-03-31T09:07:00.002-06:00

OKAY.
So lots has happened. I'm moving home. Home to Nampa. I cannot explain the level of my excitement.
So here's what happened. I was feeling so very, very depressed. I couldn't shake it. It was embarrassing and deep and seemingly incurable. I was just walking around in this horrid depression. NOTHING was "fun" anymore. I couldn't focus on ANYTHING. One of my favorite pastimes ever is reading, and I couldn't even read a book. Sometimes I would try, just to see if I could ignite that old passion, but after a few sentences, I'd have enough. So, you can imagine what school was like.
The only thing I ever had a desire to do was sleep. Sleep was the only thing I enjoyed, the only thing I looked forward to. Okay, my kids also brought me joy. Sleep and my kids were the only things I loved. Everything in my life was suffering.
ALSO, the weather in Rexburg frustrated me every day. Every time I had to spend five minutes scraping the super-glue snow off my windshield, I would get angry. Yes, ANGRY about ice-glue on my windshield. That's so silly! Every time I saw the snow, or the temperature, I wanted to hide in my bed.
I even never wanted to blog. Remember when I used to do this all the time? Well, it just hasn't appealed to me in a long time. Writing in general, a true passion of mine, seemed uninteresting.

At any rate, I was depressed. Every month when rent was due, I had a mini-crisis. Because I almost never had the money. Somehow I always came up with it. Bills stressed me out because even with my two jobs, I simply didn't have the money (two jobs that equal fewer than 30 hours and pay less than $10/hr doesn't cut it). I hated that I wasn't making enough money to adequately support my family.
Also, I was failing most of my classes. This is so very unlike me. I don't fail. I get A's or B's. School has always been VERY important to me, but I just couldn't focus on homework. When I had to choose between sleep and class, I would choose sleep! Again, NOT LIKE ME!

So, yes, I was miserable and cold and so very depressed and feeling like the biggest failure, biggest loser (not in the good way-- in fact I gained a LOT of weight this semester) ever and feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and feeling like being not-alive would be better than the alternative.

Then I got an idea, that felt like a Divine inspiration. Move home. Get a job that pays the bills. Move home.
That idea alone gave me a spark, and my world wasn't so dark.
I explored it. Prayed. Fasted. Temple-visited. And I learned that it was time for me to go home. That decision made, I began looking for employment. That decision made, I began to see more light. That decision made, I began emerging from what I thought would be a lifetime of self-inflicted failure misery.
A friend tipped me about a job opening where he works that had fabulous benefits and okay pay, pay that would, at the very least, pay my bills! And it was in Meridian. I applied and got a phone interview right away. After the phone interview, I got a face-to-face interview. So, in the middle of March, I drove my sweet family to Nampa for the face-to-face interview.
The next day, I received a job offer from Citigroup.
Haha, it reminded me of the time when I used to get every job I interviewed for. Then I came to Rexburg and no one would hire me. And I thought my luck had run out for good. Then I decide to move to Nampa and get the first job I even apply for?? A work of God, I tell you.
I came back to Rexburg and submitted my two weeks notices to my jobs, and told everyone the good news. Some of my dear Rexburg friends threatened tears. And I am sad, so sad to be leaving this beautiful place filled with beautiful people, but that sorrow is completely swallowed up in my joy and relief of moving back to Nampa!
So I began looking for housing. The problem with that is that I have an eviction on my rental history, and lousy credit. (this is all because of the dishonesty of someone else. Long story, but please just know that I personally have never been evicted-- just technically I have.... anyway....) And I didn't know how I was going to come up with a deposit plus first month's rent and I didn't want to live with my parents. So I was praying that someone would be merciful with my credit and that I'd be able to find a deal on a deposit. I posted on Facebook that I was looking for a place to live and if anyone had any leads to let me know. An old acquaintance replied saying she was looking for a roommate. Well, with two kids, I'd never even considered the roommate route, but she has a three bedroom house that she lives in alone and she said I and the kids could have the two bedrooms she's not using and the bathroom (she has a master bedroom w/ a bathroom). The more I thought about it, and the more we talked about it, the better it sounded. Actually, it's quite perfect. I don't have to pay a deposit right away. She's not going to run my credit. And she said I can pay her the first month when I get my first paycheck. This is the best deal EVER! I saw her house on Sunday and it's very cute and plenty spacious and has a big backyard and a garage and I love it and I'm so excited.
Seems like everything is falling into place.
Oh, and I withdrew from school. It was too late in the semester to get my grades up to satisfactory. So, in order to preserve my GPA, and in order to avoid waiting for the end of the semester to get a job in Nampa (my job at Citi starts Monday!), and in order to spare myself a considerable amount of stress, I withdrew. I confess this with some shame, but confessing failed classes would be worse. I do intend to continue schooling in Nampa. I'm going to look into BYU-I's online degrees, and if that doesn't pan out, then BSU it is! Oh boy....
And so here we are. My kids are in Nampa this week with their dad for Spring break and I miss them like crazy. But it's a lot easier packing my apartment without them. Even so, I think I'd rather have them here. :(
I'm moving on Friday and I can't even wait. I just can't wait!!

OH and guess what? Tonight, I have a date. On Sunday, my neighbor asked me out. You know, the one I wrote about earlier? The divorcee who is just about perfect? It's kinda sad that I'm leaving and he's interested enough to take me out, but.... NAMPA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anna's Valentine

2010-02-12T10:37:00.002-07:00

I got the kids little valentine presents. Anna loved hers. She had a pack of skittles that her daycare had given her. She told me, "Mom, I'm going to give this to someone I really love."
Me: Good idea! That's so sweet.
Pause.
Anna hands me the skittles. "Here you go, Mom," she said.

If that's not the sweetest thing!

More Kids Words

2010-02-11T17:16:00.002-07:00

Anna and Matthias were vigorously singing "Do You Know the Muffin Man." This conversation ensued:
Me: Mmmm, I love muffins.
Anna: You love the muffin man?
Me: Oh yeah.
Anna: Maybe he's the one for you!

The kids were complaining about someone copying one of them. This conversation ensued:
Me: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Anna: What does that mean?
Me: It means that when someone copies you, it means they think you're the coolest. That's why Matthias copies you, Anna, because he thinks you're the coolest.
Anna: Matty, do you think I'm the coolest?
Matthias: Yeah
Me: Aaawww, see?
Anna: I think you're the coolest, Mommy!

Anna Said/Matthias Said

2010-02-04T14:35:00.002-07:00

Anna: Mom, are we from the same world?

Matthias: Mom, when I'm a dad, will you drive me to the place to get a wife?

Matthias has a PSR worker called Carlie. She's great. She was talking to Matty about how you learn stuff as you go and get smarter as you get older. As reported by Carlie:
Carlie: like your Mom, your mom's smart, right?
Matthias: Yes
Carlie: And your dad, he's smart, right?
Matthias: Not so much.

Anna, singing a popular children's church song: Families can be together forever through Heavenly Father's plants.

Anna: Matthias, if you wanna be a gentleman, you'll get me some water.

Anna, to her babysitter who was making herself a snack: Jesus likes it when we share...

Anna: Mom, this water bottle turned to ice.
Me: yes, that's because it's so cold [we were in the car].
Anna: Maybe if I take the lid off, it will melt and turn back to water!
Me: hmm, maybe.
Anna: and then if it gets cold, it will turn back to ice.
Me: that's right!
Anna: That's reversible change!
Me: ..... !!!!!

Anna: I want to be just like you, Mom.

Matthias: Sniff my heart

Matthias: My heart is cold

Matthias, during Sacrament Meeting: If someone's mean, and then they die, they will go to hell.
Me, whispering: shh. If they say sorry, they can go to heaven.
Matthias, not whispering: But if they don't say sorry to Jesus, then they will go to hell.
Me, desperate to have him stop saying "hell" in the middle of the Sacrament: maybe! shh!
We don't talk much about hell at our house so I'm not sure where he's getting this. LOL

Revival

2010-02-03T13:58:00.003-07:00

I just spent the entire morning reading my old entries. I should have been doing homework so I won't fail and have to pay back my grant. I should stop anticipating this.

I want to be a blogger again. I think I'm funny. So many of the things I've written, I'm very glad I've written. This will be fun for my kids to look back at.

One reason I haven't been blogging is because I have no pictures. My camera broke a while ago. :(

Allow me to tell you some of my goals. I intend to pass my classes this semester. For two of my classes, this will require nothing short of a miracle. I pray for such a miracle.

Goals for February:
-Catch up in all my classes
-Get my house clean
-Quit Pepsi
-Read scriptures morningly before anything else!!

Okay.

My kids have a new daycare provider. I think I already mentioned that I now have a new job and my shift ends at 7:00. Their daycares both closed at 6:00. So now they go to a SAHM in Sugar City. I really liked her at first but now I have concerns. We'll see how this goes.

I wish I could make money without working. I know that's oh so lazy but I just really want to be a SAHM myself. I miss the kids so much. I so deeply long to be with them all day.

The other day, I took them to an igloo. They loved it. Someone built one here in Rexburg. It's pretty cool.

Matthias will be five in less than a month. I'm very sad. In a month, I will never have a four-year-old again. He'll be five, and he is my youngest. I only have one more month to be the mother of four-year-old, and then it's gone.

Anna is six now. She's my princess but lately she's been throwing fits and being very demanding. Not sure what to do about it.

Ugh I should be doing homework. I have a science test tomorrow.

I dunno.

2010-01-20T12:47:00.002-07:00

Well I have a new job. I work at Western Wats. Yeah. So, if you get a call from anyone saying they're calling on behalf of a market research company, or if they're calling to get your opinions, please don't hang up because it may be me! And they're usually short, interesting surveys anyway. Like the one I did yesterday. I got to call Massachusetts and ask for whom they voted for Senator and ask why did they choose that person. If I had to guess who won by the responses I received, I'd have guessed it was Coakley. But go Scott Brown, now the Senate is a little more evenly distributed with both parties. Both candidates sounded like losers to me and I'm glad I didn't have to choose one.

Okay anyway. After I got my job at Wats, DI kicked me out. :( I miss it ever so much. I made very wonderful friendships and learned a great many things, and it was truly a blessing to have been employed there.

I'm back in school. I love it. But I don't make enough money so please donate. :) My classes are CIT140 (Computer Information Technology) and I'm learning all about Excel. It's about time. Comm130 (Visual Media) and I'm using fun programs like InDesign and Photoshop, etc. I love that class so far. Book of Mormon, which, of course, rocks. Comm399 which is some strange career prep class specifically for Comm majors. And FDSCI206. Science: Light and Sound. Bleh. But this is the last science class I have to take. Thank goodness because I really don't understand equations that have to do with velocity and time and frequency.... Don't get me wrong; it's very interesting, but my brain has a hard time grasping and retaining the information. Bleh. Generally, though, I'm very excited about this semester.

The subject of my last post doesn't seem into me anymore. :( I'm sad. He had his first first date last weekend and he said he had a great time.

Anna has glasses and she looks so, so cute in them! She doesn't love them but she is doing a good job at keeping them on all day. I hope this eliminates her mysterious headaches. She's doing well in Kindergarten and almost never has homework because she finishes it all at school. She's amazing. She knows what "reversible change" is and what "alliteration" means. :)

Matthias is as cute and funny as ever. I took him on a date this morning to McDonalds and we had the best time. He impressed the old people. :)

What else? Nothing? Okay. Happy 2010!

Blogger Celebrates the Return of Stephanie

2009-12-21T21:30:00.003-07:00

Temporary though it may be...

Right now, my children are gone. They are spending this half of Christmas break with their father. Oh, how I miss them! I get them back on Christmas Eve and I can't wait!

In other news, I just want to say:
Being invited to dinner by the man of your dreams, and then eating dinner with him, is amazing! His name is Daniel and he is, as far as I can tell, quite nearly perfect! We have many things in common. We both love music. He is the ward's choir director and I am the ward's choir accompanist. He sings phenomenally. He's everything: artist, writer, dancer, singer, mechanic, all around handyman, cook, straight-A student, very ambitious, very intelligent, funny, very much LDS, returned missionary even!, very attractive. . . .

He's really too good to be true. I'm not good enough for him. I wish I was. I could be. Anyway. He's recently divorced. His ex wife cheated on him, so we have that in common, too! It's like, extra security, you know? I mean, it seems unlikely that one who's been severely burned by adultery would commit it him/herself. I would never want anyone to experience what I did, you know? Also, he's my next door neighbor.

I've known him for maybe a year. Well, I've known WHO he IS for maybe a year. I've always been impressed with him. I love how he dresses. ;) I loved how tender and sweet he was with his wife. His wife was so very beautiful. And, he's attractive. As far as looks, I'm way out of his league!

So yesterday, after choir, he asked me if I had dinner plans. I told him no. He invited me to his house. I jumped inside but politely accepted. :) So I went over for dinner. I'd brought some icecream for dessert, but we never got to it. After about an hour and a half, he had an appointment and so we went our separate ways. He called me maybe two minutes later and told me I'd left my icecream. I agreed. ha. Then he suggested I go back to his place after his appointment to have icecream with him!!! !!!!!! Um, YES!!?!!

So I returned an hour-ish later and we enjoyed icecream and company and he was showing off his art and stuff and I decided I wanted to show off as well, so I invited him to my place so I could play my piano song for him that I wrote. He came, I played, he teared up and enthusiastically proclaimed, "Fantastic piece!"

We talked until 11:00.

I'm officially, undeniably, annoyingly, incredibly twitterpated.

My Favorite Me Poem

2009-08-13T22:58:00.004-06:00

I love to write poetry. I think my favorite one that I've written is this:

Consider the Lilies

My essence was boxed
And buried beneath molded love,
Mildewed affection
And a desert of coal that he told me was diamonds.
Jealous, I was, of the caged bird*
For whom oxygen
Is abundant.

Then I walked by the lilies -- $3.98 a pot --
And smiled for the first time.
Oh, sweet lilies! Oh, gift from God!
Your redolence whispers preludes to freedom.

Official Grades Are In!

2009-07-29T23:35:00.002-06:00

And I thought I would be so ashamed of them that I wouldn't make this post. But here I am.

Officially:
History: B
Public Speaking: B
Lit Interpretation (ENG 251): B (at midterms, I had a D+ here, hehe...)

AND

Communications Writing (journalism, comm 111): .......this is so exciting...... A-!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe I managed to get any sort of A this semester! This was my hardest class. I learned the most from it. I loved it and I hated it but now I just love it because I got an A-! (I know and acknowledge that this is just barely over a B, but it's in the A category, okay?)

This is the class I did that big homeschooling paper for. It was a representative profile about a girl I met this semester who was homeschooled. I was very stressed about this paper and I wanted it to be perfect and I've been long waiting for the grade and I just found out that I got a 95 on it. How good it feels! Not quite perfect, but it'll do!

Yay yay yay yay!

Grades so far

2009-07-28T23:13:00.002-06:00

Life's not so bad. If I get B's instead of A's, I'm still a blasted genius.

So far, my unofficial grades are:
Public Speaking: B
English 251: B
American History: B
Comm 111: still unknown, but likely a B.

All will be certain on Thursday.

"I'm a B student" isn't nearly as cool sounding as "I'm an A student." But, how about, "I'm a single mom of two preschoolers and I work and I live hundreds of miles away from my family and I'm in the middle of a custody battle and I'm a B student."

Heck yes.

Gracious

2009-07-22T12:52:00.002-06:00

The thing is, I want to be smarter than everyone else. B's aren't smarter than everyone else.

Well this morning I skipped my Public Speaking final! It was awful. I lost my car key. I turned my house upsidedown searching for that key, for an hour. Nothing. So. I didn't take my final. I'll still pass the class. But the grade won't be pretty. :(

My cousin gave us rides. Took the kids to daycare and myself to campus. In about five minutes, I'll be off to take another test. I'll rejoice if I even get a B.

I want to be married. I want a traditional home where Daddy works and Mommy stays home. I want plenty of money to survive on and to share. I want to be the cute little wifey who cleans and cooks and even dusts. I want to bake bread, can, and have a garden and fruit trees. I want a husband who mows the lawn and changes lightbulbs and fixes the dryer and changes the oil and locks the door at night. I want a husband who is the head of the household, the leader, THE MAN, for whom I'll have dinner waiting. And he'll thank me for dinner. I don't want to work. I hate working. I hate leaving my kids with someone else. It feels so wrong and backward. And yet, it is my destiny.

I don't necessarily regret my current state. If I was married, I wouldn't be a fulltime student. I love being a student. I want to be "educated" and I'm grateful for this opportunity. I'm experiencing what it's like to be wholly responsible for a family. So, when (IF) I do remarry, I will appreciate my husband's role as provider that much more. I know what it's like to come home after a long day. I know the joy of kids running to see you when you walk in the door, and how wonderful it would be to be likewise greeted by a spouse. I know how great it would be to have dinner ready for me then, and a foot or back rub to ease the stress of the day. I want a man to give that to. Maybe he's somewhere learning what it's like to be a mother, and he'll appreciate me all the more for it, andhe'll give me a back or foot rub after dinner to ease the stress of a long day.

Dreams.

History test, here I come.

Finals week begins

2009-07-20T12:41:00.002-06:00

I'm here at the campus library wondering how can I waste time? The library internet restricts facebook until 5 pm so that's out. So I blog. Believe me, you can always find a distraction, a way to not do what you should be doing.

Well I have a final today, one tomorrow, and two on Wednesday. I must study. I shall study. I will get A's on all my finals. I will succeed.

The end.

Random Nothing

2009-07-18T08:45:00.003-06:00

Here's some things I really like:

My kids of course
My family
Being home in Nampa with my family
Nampa
Spending hours doing nothing with my best friend Kimmie
Spending hours doing something with my best friend Kimmie
Church
Notebooks
Pens
Purple Pens
Purple
Chocolate
Babies, particularly insanely cute brand new nephews called Ammon
The name Brielle
Deseret Industries
Breakfast
Deep reflection
Sunsets
Movies
Libraries
Sleep
To Kill a Mockingbird
Responsible, honest, grown-up men
High heels
Diet Pepsi
Mary Kay makeup
Making out (insofar as I can recall)
Flip Flops
School
Poetry

Naturally, this is not all-inclusive. I just wanted to take a moment to focus on me.

Progress Report

2009-07-16T18:15:00.002-06:00

It's remarkable to me that I find time to blog when I have no time to blog. All semester, I've resisted the temptation to blog my life away. And now, when it's exceptionally crucial that I focus on my schoolwork, here I am.

Finals are next week. I just can't flippin wait. I am registered to take a class during the seven weeks between semesters, and then I'm registered for 2 classes the following semester, even though I'll be off track. I want to finish school as soon as I can. But I want a break SO bad! So I may be dropping the 7 week course.

The most amazing thing is that after next week, I'll have completed another year of school! I think this semester I won't get a single A, which is truly tragic. Seriously, it makes me want to cry. But, I'll have another year under my belt and that is SO EXCITING! Is it possible that I'm reaching my goal? Is it fathomable that I may actually graduate with a bachelor's degree??

This semester has been especially challenging. Last semester I was conveniently laid off at the beginning of the semester. So, while I was searching for employment, I was collecting unemployment and spending more time on homework than work. This semester, I've had a job. I'm grateful for it and I'm glad I'm not getting unemployment anymore, but I really don't get how people work, parent, and get good grades at the same time. It's very hard.

Not only that, but this semester I've had to hire a lawyer. That's been stressful. Randy wants more custody of the kids and I'm not cool with that. Also, I'm not okay with only sometimes getting some child support but still providing EVERYTHING for the kids, including transportation to and from Nampa for HIS visitation. That gets expensive. So I've hired a lawyer to make some changes to our original agreement and it's a long and expensive process, and certainly not conducive to focused study. Also my sister keeps getting bad news, which pulls my attention from my studies. God bless her. Also my bestie keeps getting bad news and she's stressed and so I'm stressed for her. Also Anna is supposed to go to Kindergarten next month, and I've already written about that decision process. There's just been a lot of STUFF happenin this semester and my focus has been all over the place.

Also, my kids want to eat every day so I've been forced to feed them. You know? EVERY DAY!

Kidding, of course. I've always fed them several times daily, naturally.

I've been asked to babysit a lot more than usual and I can't say no because I know what it's like to need a babysitter.

So yeah. Busy semester and I'm going to see the sad results on my grade report. My predictions:
History: B
Public Speaking: B (maybe C but I REALLY hope not)
Communications Writing: B-
Literature: C

SAD. And a little embarrassing. Someone reassure me. :D

Okay I have to go write a paper.

but this IS homework!

2009-07-15T18:12:00.003-06:00

If I really stretch it, blogging is a part of my homework. I'm supposed to be a good writer for my major/career choice. Even in writing, practice helps. See? Totally homework.

Actually. This is a distraction. I have SO much dang homework that I can't possibly finish it. Ever. So I'm blogging instead; I can finish a post. And while I'm writing here, I have an "excuse" to avoid homework. When I'm finished, I'll have to find another distraction. Maybe I'll clean. Soon, I'll have no more excuses and I'll be forced to write my 1500 word research paper.

It's due Friday. The rough draft was due last Friday, but I got nothin. It's not the 1500 words that scare me. Shoot, I can write 1500 words in an hour. So . . . I really don't know what it is that is barring me from starting this darn paper.

Here's what it is. It's a representative profile. It's for my communications writing class. You know those feature stories you read in the Wall Street Journal or other sources? They're about a person and about an issue that the person represents. We had to pick a person that we didn't know well, find out what they represent, and write about it. We had to do interviews, tons of research, and several meetings with the person throughout the semester.

I chose this girl I work with, Elizabeth. Actually, she wasn't my first choice. The first four people I wanted to do either couldn't, wouldn't or said they would but then disappeared. So I chose Elizabeth. The issue is homeschool -- specifically adults in the world who had been homeschooled. She was homeschooled most of her school years, starting in California. I swear that wasn't planned. I've learned so dang much about homeschooling and that's why I've come to the decision I've come to about Anna. It's so weird that I spent most of my life homeschooling but didn't really know a thing about it. The more I know, the more I feel the need to implement it in my home. I totally dig Dr. Raymond Moore and Dr. Brian Ray and John Holt. Now I think it's weird that I had no idea who these people were before I started this assignment. If not for any of them, it's likely I'd have never been homeschooled. ANYWAY. It's been a very enjoyable project, but now it's at the end, and all that's left is to write the darn thing. This should be the easy part! What is happening? Writer's block like this is not traditionally my companion.

Oh, you know what else? Since this is a journalism class, we have to get all the sides. So I've looked up research about why public school is better than homeschool. Know what I've found? NOTHING. I've looked up opposing views. I can't find anything worth including in a respectable paper. There are plenty of claims that homeschool is harmful but I can't find a single study to back that up, not one. If any of you know any, hit me; I really need it for my paper. Also, I've interviewed public school teachers, thinking for sure they'd be able to tell me why public school is best for a kid. But, nope. They were all (provisionally, admittedly) supportive of homeschooling! Seriously!

The only thing against homeschooling is unproven stereotypes, insofar as I can tell.

Do you see how I'm stalling?

In other news, I went on a date the other week. First time in a year. I decided I hate dating and I'd almost rather die alone than go through the hassle.

Fourth of July was flippin' awesome. Maybe I'll post pictures. Kids and I had the best day ever ever.

OH check it out. I have a guitar. I don't know how to play the guitar. I've had it for a while but have never even tried to use it. Until yesterday. I looked up Blackbird on youtube and learned the introduction! My kids LOVE that song and they were so excited when I played it for them and I was so excited when they recognized what I was playing! Now if I could just get someone to show me some technique.

So the other day Matthias said when he grows up he wants to be "a policeman who kills bad guys with his gun. A real gun."

I swear, he makes this stuff up and it just happens to coincide with reality.

I can't stall any longer.

Is Anyone There?

2009-07-14T13:41:00.002-06:00

Well hello. It's been a crazy semester. I have had no time to catch up on my blog (not that anyone enjoys reading all about me as much as I do). And, really, I have no time now. I have some intense assignments due soon that should have been done already. Oy. The stress. S-T-E-P-H-A-N-I-E spells "stress."

So, Anna is supposed to start Kindergarten this fall. I have been on a seesaw of decision about that. I want to homeschool my children. I WILL homeschool my children. The debate is whether or not I start now. I'm a single mom and a student myself; is homeschooling really the wise choice? I have committed to homeschooling. I have committed to sending her to Kennedy Elementary. I can't stay with one decision long because the other one always seems wiser. But, at this point, I'm leaning to homeschool again. I know this decision will be met with plenty of opposition, but, this is America, Anna is my daughter, and I get to make the choice.

Anyway. My point is. I'm totally going to start a new blog. If I stick with the choice to homeschool, I'm makin a new blog about homeschooling adventures. I think it'll be fun. Of course, I won't be the only one but it'll be fun anyway.

Anna Danielle

2009-05-18T19:05:00.002-06:00

My sweet five year old lost her two front teeth over the weekend. That makes a total of six teeth lost. I wish I could stop or at least slow her growth! She's getting older right before my eyes!

She's my genius. A few weeks ago, I created a simple math worksheet for her. I took a picture of it and maybe one day I'll get around to posting it. Anyway, it was, you know, those column problems, 5 on top of 2 w/ a plus sign and a line -- you follow, right? I made 12 problems, all equaling less than ten. I instructed her briefly on what to do with the problems and told her to solve them, and I left the room. She finished in just a few minutes and got 11 right. Yay, Anna! I was so impressed!

So today I was looking up math worksheets just to see what grade level certian problems are and found out the worksheet I made her was 1st grade level.

She's going to be so bored in Kindergarten.

I printed another first grade sheet today off the Net and she finished it, no problem. There was even a problem with a sum greater than ten, and she got it!

So now she's working on spelling words of the first grade level (according to one website) and she read each word, no problem, just went down the list as if all she ever does is read. She is printing them now. She's not so great at printing. So we're working on that. She's not very familiar with printing lower case letters. She recognizes them all and can read them fine but struggles a little w/ printing, only because she hasn't done it very often.

I may as well keep her home and work with her every night, you know? Seriously, I'm really thinking about it. I mean, in Kindergarten, they'll learn about shapes and colors and counting and COME ON! She's known that stuff since she was three. And she'll get the idea that school is supposed to be easy. I don't know if I want her to think school is easy. I want her to actually exercise her brain.

I don't know. I don't know what I'll do. Any suggestions?

I love that little girl! She's so smart and sweet and funny. OH. I have to tell you her story. She was pretending to be "Ashley" and Ashley knew Anna; they were friends. I was Anna's mom (just like I really am) and Ashley was telling me all about Anna and how much fun they have at "school" and she has other friends, too, called Jane and Arania. Well I, apparently, worked with Jane's mom. Anna--I mean, Ashely-- said Jane's mom is mean. I told her I don't work with any mean people, so Jane's mom must not be mean. Ashley insisted Jane's mom is mean. I gave. "How is she mean?" I asked. "She eats Jane's toys!" Anna/Ashley said. I laughed so hard at the image of a mother eating her daughters toys. I conceded, "yes, that's pretty mean." Anna then said, "Jane's mommy is mean so Jane got a new mommy." Me: "What? She can't get a new mommy! People don't just get new mommies." Anna/Ashley: "Well Jane's mom died." Me: "Oh my goodness! That's so sad, how did she die?" Anna/Ashley, matter-of-factly: "From the toys!"

Gracious.

Later she told me there's a cheetah in my trunk and it's a mommy cheetah and she had ten babies. In my trunk! I'm so scared to open it. OH, and then the same day she told me this really great story: "Once there was a little rabbit, she was a girl. Her little brother was a carrot. So she almost ate her brother."

Wow. She's a keeper, that one. :)

Pirate at Albertsons

2009-05-05T13:50:00.002-06:00

We went to Albertsons yesterday, the kids and I. Shortly after we entered the store, a very old, stooped, bearded man wearing an eye patch entered. Matthias was sitting in the cart kid seat and asked me, "Mommy, is that a pirate?" I looked at the gentleman behind me and he didn't seem to have heard, so I said in a low tone, "I don't think so, son." I think I shouldn't have left so much room for doubt. We walked ahead a little bit, looking at the 10 for $10 sale items. The very old fellow remained just behind. Matthias kept staring at him, grinning his all-teeth-bearing grin. SO CUTE. The man was coming closer (because I was stopped, now, at the sale items) and Matthias was still staring at him. The man said hello. Matthias said, "Are you a pirate?" still grinning that flippin' adorable grin. He was SO excited to meet a pirate!
Luckily, the very old man was very good natured and he said, "Yes. I'm a pirate. But I'm a good pirate. Are you a good boy?"
Matthias could not have been more thrilled. His very wide smile widened and he nodded.

Redeem

2009-05-02T09:15:00.001-06:00

I wrote a song for a final project last semester. It's called Redeem. Here I am playing it. Don't mind the belly pouch. :)

Amen to Donne

2009-04-30T00:47:00.002-06:00

I had a little too much caffeine today (one day I'll quit, I swear) and I'm having trouble sleeping. I hate staying up late. It's a sin, totally. :) Well, for me anyway. I was feeling a little creative and decided to write a poem. I'm pretty impressed with it, actually; its form is perhaps original. I haven't seen this construction before. It's probably been done before, but I haven't seen it. So there. :) I'll just tell you. It's 8 syllables in one line, and the next line has 2 syllables. The second syllable in every 2 lines rhymes with the 6th syllable of the previous line. How about that, right?
Its title: Amen to Donne. I'll explain after you read this fun little ditty (and don't freak out. I'm a poet and therefore get to exaggerate and fictionalize. One should never assum the speaker of the poem and its author are one in the same.) With no further adieu:

Amen to Donne
It is woven within my being,
This sin.
A parasite, it seems, of sun
And dreams.
It is to me as plant to soil.
I can’t
Expunge my soul, O God, forgive
My fraud
Forgive my fraud! And yet, hold off
(Regret
Is well but cannot stay my hand, a week,
A day)
Until the hour Thou wilt banish
My guilt
By taking this my fav’rite sin—
My grave—
And accomplices; thought, desire
I’ve fought
With tireless hope which avails me not.
Assails
Still, this sin, O God! For what?So, God,
My Father, take away this plague!
I say,
Unweave my fibers, change my heart!
Derange
My days. O’erthrow and bend, for Thou
Dost mend
As yet, but batter my heart! For I
Will fly
Only as Thou restraineth my wings.
4.29.09

What do you think? Don't think about it as something written by Stephanie, but what do you think of it as a literary work? I've called it "Amen to Donne" because I've quote one of my favorite poems ever ever, which is by John Donne, who was a preacher I think, and never did anything really bad, and yet he wrote this amazing sonnet:
Batter my heart, three-personed God, for You
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend.
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurped town to another due,
Labor to admit You, but Oh! to no end.
Reason, Your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love You and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed to Your enemy;
Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;
Take me to You, imprison me, for I,
Except You enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except You ravish me.

That is a thing of beauty, right there. WELL. Tell me how you think of my poem!

Alas

2009-04-19T08:32:00.002-06:00

Well tomorrow school starts again and I didn't get half the stuff done that I wanted to this week. UGH. I did get family pictures (my kids actually smiled!), get my kids caught up on immunizations, cleaned my house a wee bit, and took my kids to the park. But mostly I worked. I really like my job. Well, lemme rephrase. I like to go to work. My actual job is dumb. I stand at a table and sort clothes all day long, I'm a sorter. Can't wait till I get a new job that pays decent. But this is better than nothing! It makes my body very sore, though. (Oh, btw, I totally work at Deseret Industries.) The people with whom I work are really really cool, and that sometimes makes all the difference.

My schedule starting tomorrow is going to be ridiculous. School, work, dinner, bed. But, good news, my brother Cameron is going to be moving in next month and that will help out soooo much! I'll still have my kids go to daycare because I don't think my kids or Cameron would well handle 9 hours a day together. So morning daycare, and afternoon Cameron! I'll save so much money.

I'm really excited about my classes tomorrow. The classes I'm taking are: Comm 111 (communications writing), Comm 102 (Public Speaking!), FDAMF (American History - a required general), ENG 110 -- lemme explain. As a Comm major, I am required to declare a minor. So I declared English, of course. Now, I started out as an English major and so have many classes completed in that field. However, BYU-I added ENG 110 and recently decided to make it a requirement for English minors as well as English majors. This class didn't exist at Snow College or BSU back in the day when I went, so I never took it. So, yay, I totally get to take an English 100 class. LAME! Oh well, it seems like it'll be fun. AND last but not least, I'm taking ENG 251, which also wasn't required back at Snow. Oh well. I'm not really sure what that class is about. Something about literature. And, that one's an online course! Yipee!

SO. Yep. School starts again tomorrow and I'm excited!

Actual Grades!!!!

2009-04-16T18:28:00.002-06:00

STEPHANIE JEAN MONTANO

Winter Semester 2009

Department	Course	Section	Course Title	Final Grade	Credit	Points
COMM	100	1	INTRO COMM	A	1.0	4.0
FDCOM	201	27	PROF COM FND	A	2.0	8.0
FDHUM	103	1	A FRWL TO ART	A-	3.0	11.1
FDINT	203	4	MIDDLE EAST	A-	2.0	7.4
FDREL	200	3	FAMILY FOUND	A	2.0	8.0
FDSCI	101	12	SCIENCE FOUND	C+	2.0	4.8

YES! The two B's I thought I had were actually A-'s!

Susan Boyle, ladies and gentlemen

2009-04-15T20:16:00.002-06:00

A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook. I know some of you have seen this already but I am so in love with these seven minutes that I had to post it here. Embedding is disabled so you'll have to click on the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

I don't know her. She's not in my neighborhood, my state, or even my country. But, I tell you what, I am so proud of this woman! Go Susan Boyle! That first look of shock on Simon's face is classic.

Lazy

2009-04-13T18:59:00.002-06:00

I am so lazy.

Today I registered Anna for Kindergarten! Holy Beans. I wish she didn't have to go to school. I really wanted to homeschool her. Maybe next year. I don't know what she needs Kindergarten for, anyway. She can read, write, spell, add, count to 100, recognize more shapes than I know, recite the planets in order and sing the ABCs backwards. She'll be so bored. Oh well. She is excited.

Today I started my job. It was fun. The people with whom I'll be working seem really cool.

Today I did nothing on my list. However, I did set up appointments for family pictures and well child check ups for the kids.

Anna asked me today how much I weigh. I told her, "180 pounds." She said, "What have you been eating?!" I said, "I know I'm fat, but I'm still awesome." She said, "I know you are" and gave me a hug, and then said, "but sometimes you're mean."

The other day I told her to get some clothes on. She hates wearing clothes. I told her five times and I was getting irritated because she wasn't listening. So the sixth time, I raised my voice. She told me if I keep being mean to her, she's going to go somewhere else.

WHAT?

"Where you gonna go?" I asked, sincerely. She said she'll go to a new mommy who's nice. Funny, her dad told me the same thing (only he didn't say "mommy".) I told her to come to me, she did. I looked her in the eye and said, "do you really want a different mommy?" and she gave a lip-quivering no. And I gave her a hug and told her that in this house, we wear clothes, and I love her more than any other mommy would love her, and to get her clothes on. So she did.

Funny children.

I miss my best friend Kimmie. I have a best friend!!! It's been over a decade since I've had a true best friend. I love it. I love her.

Oh the Craziness

2009-04-12T08:43:00.002-06:00

I have a bazillion things to do and a bazillion things to write about. Finals week was INSANE. My kids are so so glad it's over. And so am I.
In my Humanities class (which was my favorite class), the final was a take home final. It was four essays. It took forever. These weren't just any essays. In each category, we had at least three essays to choose from. The ones I chose were to use four works of art (visual, music, drama, literature) that we've studied in class to back up Picasso's statement "art is the lie that makes us realize the truth." or something like that. That was fun. Another essay question I chose was something about diffusing propaganda, how do we deconstruct it and how I would tell others how to deconstruct, and choose one piece of propaganda to illustrate my point. That one was really fun. Another one was take three subjects (paintings, statues, characters) and put them together for spring break and where would they go and what would they say. That one was really fun. For those who know/care (I believe I will care in the future), I used Connie from Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been, (short story by Joyce Carol Oates), the woman from Delacroix's Liberty Leading the People and Julia from Herrick's "Upon Julia's Clothes." I thought it was funny. They went to NYC. I'm jealous. The other essay I did was put a soundtrack to one of the works of literature we've studied. I put a soundtrack to Hosseini's A Thousand Splendid Suns. That was so fun! And the essay was explaining how each piece of music goes with a specific part of the book. That one took a lot of time though.
I don't know what my final grade is in that class yet but I think it will be a B.
Science, we all know, is C+. I'm happy with that.
Middle East (my world foundations course) is an A-. I'm schocked by this because I got a D on my last test! I'll take it though! I did my first power point presentation ever in this class. It was on the death penalty in Iran. I got 100 out of 100 on that. Yay!
Religion I got an A- I think.
Communications 100 I got an A
Comm 201 (professional communications), I got an A.
Four A's, a B and a C! I'm happy enough with that! Next semester will be better (I don't have any pointless science classes, hehe)

Anyway. This week I want to:

clean my house
do my laundry
go grocery shopping
go to Lagoon
take my kids to the park
read 2 books
post pics on my blog from the last 6 or so insane weeks
Take my kids to the dr for check ups
get family pictures pictures
Buy books for next semester
write thank you cards for last semester's professors

So much for a relaxing week! I also start my job tomorrow. Oy.
Today I have to give a talk in church. Oy.
Bye!

Science Final

2009-04-08T12:23:00.002-06:00

WELL. Today I took my science final and already got the grade. I was worried, really worried, because science and I are not close. Not remotely. We have several disagreements about what really matters. So, I'd been keeping a C through the class, which is fine by me; it's science afterall. I did get a D on one test (about cells, ugh) so I figured with Cs and Ds on my exams and anywhere between As and Fs on my daily quizzes, I needed at least a C on the COMPREHENSIVE FINAL to pass the class. I think I could have gotten a D on the final and passed, too, but I don't really know, and who wants a D on a final? Anyway. I was scared, this is science, what we've covered all through the semester, and, did I already mention it was SCIENCE? I studied but my studies made as little sense as ever (I just can't make myself care about equations involving atoms and radiation, etc.). Okay well anyway I got a C on my final. Hooray! I passed the class! My final grade for the entire class is C+, almost almost almost a B-, how cool would that have been? Two per cent away from a B-! Oh well. I passed my science class!

indeed

2009-04-05T22:13:00.002-06:00

Okay so I know this background is yucky but it looks awesome on my computer! But I saw it on my mom's computer and on the library's computer and the colors are way off from what I see at home! Changing it, as well as updating my life, are a few of the MANY things I have planned for the two weeks between semesters. Just wanted you all to know that I know the background is gross looking. :) Don't forget about me! And wish me luck for finals week (which begins tomorrow)!

speedy update

2009-04-03T14:44:00.004-06:00

I'm so like totally busy. Finals are next week! One week of this semester left! I've registered for next semester and I'm excited. I've declared a minor: English. I bought a PS2 just for the purpose of guitar hero! I got me a PS2 slim + Guitar Hero III + a wireless guitar all for $66. eBay, baby. Free shipping, even. Might be going to Lagoon in a few weeks. Kids really wanna. I really wanna. Kimmie and Kadin really wanna. It's snowing. All the time. Rexburg loves December so much that it won't let it go. Anna lost another tooth. I'm holding Anna's baby Emma right now. Anna says, "she's still zero, so be very careful with her." Today Matthias said "I have a magic puppy that turns into a rope that turns into a transformer hand." WOW! That is some puppy. Took the kids bowling the other week, that was a blast. And we saw Bedtime Stories which was really cute. School is stressful and fun and life is stressful and fun and the end.

All you need is Jack

2009-03-18T21:44:00.002-06:00

I used to really enjoy the idea of superman. I loved Dean Cain in Lois and Clark: the Adventures of Superman. But that was before I met Jack Bauer. Jack is so much cooler than superman. Jack is human. Jack has flaws. Once, in fact, Jack was addicted to heroin. But he got through that with my help. Jack is the ultimate man. You can't be manlier than Jack Bauer, you just can't! Here's some pictures of him saving the world.

Oh, Jack. I do love you.

Someone once told me that Jack Bauer isn't real. Riiiiiight. I believe, okay, I believe. Superman isn't real, okay? But who needs Superman when you have Jack, anyway?

Don't mess with Jack, alright? He'll pulverize you. And then the President will congratulate him.

24 is my alter universe.

Kids

2009-03-18T17:23:00.002-06:00

Anna said when I was putting on my concealer/foundation: "Why do you need to cover your zits? You look fine with them. To me" and "I 'm not gonna marry Tyson because he doesn't say 'excuse me' when he burps."

Matthias said: "I will be the guitar guy at your wedding" and "when I grow up, I will be a hiccup doctor."

Matt's therapist at his "daycare" (partial care facility) said Matthias is his favorite of all the kids. Well of course he is! Did I already mention this in an earlier post?

I've been extraordinarily busy with school. And I still am.

I've Gone Private

2009-03-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

I did it. So far only six people can read my blog. If you guys know of email addresses I should add, lemme know! Thanks!

Matt's Birthday

2009-03-03T13:06:00.003-07:00

Was yesterday. I just can't believe my baby boy is four years old! Presents were first thing in the morning. I video taped it; I'll likely post the vid soon-ish. He got a neat outfit from my mom, a bubble gun from Kimmie, and from me: bubbles, Percy the train (to be friends with Thomas so now he has 2 engines), the movie Robots, and I think that's it. Yeah.

He got a cute birthday hat at daycare. We went to Jennifer's for icecream. Matthias said he had cake at Daddy's (we'd spent the weekend in Nampa) so I thought that was license to forego a cake. Jennifer gave him a carwash as a gift! He loves going through the carwash. What a great gift; it serves both child and mother!

For dinner I took him and Anna and our friend Ben to JB's. The kids call Ben "the elmo guy" because he does a great Elmo impression! He babysits sometimes so I treated him as a thank you.

Anyway. My baby is four. My goal was to have all my kids (I wanted four) by the time I was 30, so that, in theory, they'd all be out of the house by the time I was 50. I'm 28. Chances are slim that I'll have two more kids in two years, as I haven't so much as a marriage prospect! Don't you hate when things don't go as planned?

Anyway. Bye now.

midterms again

2009-02-27T10:25:00.003-07:00

Well apparently I'm the only one who can see that link about my midterm grades. So I'll just tell you. I got a C in science. Listen, I'm passing, alright? YOU try doing six classes and being single parent and THEN judge, okay? ;) hehe. A B+ in my religion class. A B+ in my humanities class. An A- in my Middle East class (that was a pleasant surprise!), and an A in both my communications classes.

Yay!

Midterm grades!

2009-02-25T18:16:00.001-07:00

Click here to view my midterm grades.

Not bad! I'll take it! Even that big fat ugly C!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-02-25T07:49:00.002-07:00

So yesterday was my birthday. Now I'm 28 years old. Twenty-eight and dreadfully single! At least I have kids.
It was a rockin day. Woke up for class and Anna woke and said, "Is it your birthday?" I told her yes so she said, "Happy birthday!" and then she wrapped up one of her barbie dolls in a piece of cloth and gave it to me. What a little sweetie!
My dad texted me a little while later (that's right, my dad is hip) and I reminded him that my birthday marks his anniversary of becoming a father. Wow, he's been a parent for 28 years! Beans.
I went to my communications class and announced that it was my birthday. How else would they know, you know? I did NOT, however, expect them to sing to me, which they did. And one girl that I barely know made me a little card out of notebook paper! It was the sweetest thing!
Then I went to my religion class, which is probably my most difficult class -- emotionally. The class is Family Foundations and so the content is all about the importance of eternal marriage and eternal families and every class time my loneliness is magnified because I WANT A HUSBAND! And that class only makes such desires stronger. Can't wait till it's over.
Then I went to the daycares to pick up the kids. Anna's daycare first. I walked into her class, and the whole class said, "Happy birthday!" I felt special. Anna told on me. Her teacher told me she had told the class to say "happy birthday" when I walked in. She's five! She's gonna be a little party planner. Anna was eating lunch in a different classroom so I went to get her. She asked me if everybody said happy birthday to me. She's just so darn sweet! Takin care of me like that....
Then I went to get Mattie and no one said happy birthday when I got there. :) Boys! Haha, kidding.
We went to Jennifer's at her request and she got me a super cute shirt and made me a pie!
Lots of family called.
I thought it was over but then at 8:00 my visiting teacher and my neighbor came over with a balloon, a cake and a present! And a song. That was so cool! It was my only wrapped gift of the day and I LOVE unwrapping presents! It was a book. I was touched. It was very kind of them. They came in a visited for a while.
Then I stayed up till TWO (!!!) and did homework.

Dude. I'm going to be late to class.

Anna's adult wisdom

2009-02-22T08:43:00.002-07:00

I've been feelin really bad about gettin a divorce lately. I mean, for my kids. I don't wish I was still married to Randy. I do wish I'd chosen better, and that my kids lived in a two parent home. So I feel bad. It's been weighin on my mind.
Today I told Anna, "I'm sorry I got a divorce."
She said "We could live in Nampa" and I was about to remind her that even if we lived in Nampa, we still wouldn't live with her dad, but she spoke before I got to it.
She said, "why did Daddy want to marry someone else?"
I said, "I don't know, sweetie."
She said softly, knowingly, "Maybe Dawn is the bestest for my daddy."
I thought a moment before saying, "maybe she is."
My little thinker.
Then she said, perhaps worried that she may have hurt my feelings, "But you're the best mommy." I just love that girl!

Well. I do think Randy and Dawn deserve eachother. :)